We have been together about 7 years, married 1 year. We both make a decent living and we have both joint and separate accounts. We make similar amounts (she makes a bit more) and contribute to the shared bills 50/50.
My wife’s family has never been very well off financially. Her parents don’t have regular jobs but have tried a variety of business ventures that don’t always work out. Unfortunately these ventures can be quite expensive (over 1M in debt… which they asked my wife to take out under her name….). My wife tells me that she just loans them money which is returned… but recently she tells me that she’s been just giving them money and is very vague when it comes to numbers.
She makes it out like she doesn’t really know their financial situation and doesn’t know the numbers… She is very on the ball in other aspects in life so I find this hard to believe. Up to this point she has never mentioned to me that she just gives them money. I know she isn’t thrilled with it or their business venture ideas by the way she interacts with them — she’s clearly tired of it but keeps helping them one way or another because “they are family”. I don’t think she verbalizes things clearly to her parents when she thinks it’s a bad idea… Then she gets stuck dealing with whatever aftermath.
I’m frustrated because she hasn’t been transparent with me, because not once in 7 years has she told me she just gives them money. I was very wary with the massive loan but she reassured me that once the business deal was done, she would be paid back in full.
We are now married, and in the past year talked more about finances, but she has left me in the dark about the finances on that huge loan. I’m frustrated because while we do have separate accounts, we are working towards the joint goal of savings and retirement.
In case this matters, my family has never asked us for financial help. They are by no means wealthy but they live conservatively and within their means.
I’ve tried saying to her that I understand she is in a difficult position, but now that we are working towards a joint financial goal, we have to be on the same page when it comes to things like this. She just says ‘okay’ but gets very dismissive and tells me she can’t control her family…
So what should I do? How do I get my wife to discuss this more openly and set boundaries with her family without ruining our relationship?
16 comments
Is your wife also concerned about ruining your relationship with her actions? By her actions that’s a no. Be straight with her and tell her this is a boundary you’re not willing to let her continue to pass.
Do not allow her to continue.
Tell her she’s jeopardizing both of your finances and your relationship by not proving full details of what she’s doing.
Forget savings and retirement, if she’s on the hook for a 1M loan you got big problems you need to get a handle on.
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You said you have separate accounts and joint accounts.
Just make sure she knows any money she gives her family will be coming out of only HER separate account. Not your joint one, because that’s for your future, not a random business venture.
If she still gives them money, that’s on her but it takes nothing from your joint account.
Maybe it’ll make her realize just how much money she’s doling out.
Just because someone is family, does not mean you’re financially responsible for them for the rest of everyone’s lives.
Her parents need to stop leeching off of her. Obviously their business ideas are faulty, otherwise they’d be paying it back in full by now and not needing more and more money.
If she refuses, just say you won’t get a joint account with her anymore and you’ll cancel the joint one you already have. Because that amount of spending will mess up what you’re trying so hard to save up.
I would want a post nup. Express to her that you’re not comfortable combining finances while she’s spending money that way and keeping it from you.
You should find out if you are responsible for her debts since you are married. Do NOT take her word for it. Did she sign for the loan before or after you married? Get legal advice then sit down with her and get specifics.
She needs to be honest on what debt you may be tied to.
If in the US, have her run a credit check to be totally clear.
This will affect you buying property together if loans default will go after liens on home.
She needs to come clean and the 2 of you fully understand what she is up against that may affect you.
The fact is that she has already harmed your relationship. A $1M loan?? To people with a checkered financial past??? Has she lost her mind?
Sit your wife down and tell her you have to have the truth, all of it. Consult an attorney asap to find out where you stand in this. Would you be on the hook with her?
It sounds like she is deeply enmeshed with her family. Check out the r/JUSTNOFAMILY and r/justnoso subreddits – you might find other folks’ experiences with stuff like this useful.
I think you need to talk to her in a calm way, because these things can affect both of you financially. The loan she took can affect you if you need to buy a property (she would not be able to get a loan). If you both have some emergency situation, her savings are probably inexistent. I’m guessing she is not taking money from the join account.
>tells me she can’t control her family
Well, she needs to. She might need therapy. Or you could hire a financial advisor to go over all of your accounts, expenses, loans, investments, to give her a reality check. Most likely she is not even summing up all of what she is spending on them. And their problems are of their own making; that’s the worrisome part. And she is enabling them.
You can also ask to increase how much both of you put into savings in the join account, so that she is able to put less money there. You’d need to match. And I do hope she cannot take money out of there on her own.
Beyond just the money, it sounds like she’s enabling her parents’ poor planning and decision making. If so, there will be no end to this because they aren’t being required to develop a realistic plan for themselves. When people make the same mistakes over and over, giving them money doesn’t help them become independent. I wonder if you could find someone to help you have this discussion, because your concerns about her commitment to your relationship vs her involvement with her parents is a really big issue. A neutral party could help you both keep the discussion fair snd focused.
There is no way this doesn’t cause relationships tension. Especially with you enabling this behavior for so long makes it a lot harder to work out. These are things you work out before marriage and financial transparency is huge in a relationship.
There is no easy approach. At some point you have to have a heart to heart on what’s actually happening. Ponder potential questions and concerns
1. Can you both still reach financial goals even if she is subsidizing the parents?
2. Can she still contribute fairly while subsidizing parents?
3. If financial goals can’t be reached with the current trajectory, can you work out an agreed amount that fits the budget better?
4. Do you both even have the same financial goals/visions or are they at least compatible?
5. How are you both going to reach financial transparency or at least to a point that you can trust her (you can’t at this time for good reason)
I’m sure there’s more these are just off hand things to ponder
I’ll never understand married but separate finances
so does your wife have a million dollar loan against her for them and is also giving them other money……i cant be following right
You are married now. Legally your finances are comingled. You have a right to know her finances as she does yours. If you guys didnt want it to be this way, should never have gotten married.
Time to sit down and say that you love her, however her behavior with her parents does not line up with the goals she claims to have with you. In some states being married means her debts are automatically yours (it varies). You need to find out about this and if they can be held against you that’s a major conversation. As far as I’m concerned, she is already hurting your relationship with these decisions.
You married this woman?! Oh you poor foolish thing smh. Its gonna hurt when the house of glass shatters