My ex (29M) and I (26F) are splitting up.
This whole break up has been emotional for me as I found out for the last three years of our relationship has been a lie. The weight gain from my trip to the ICU made my BMI which was 16 jump to 24. This with the fact that my hobbies e.g. hanging out with friends ect was not attractive anymore.
The issue is we share a 2 year old dog. I was always against getting a dog from the beginning due us being both young. I just finished uni and he was working 70hours +. I never had a dog before as my family liked to travel. Due to the pandemic I had to work from home and then he bought a puppy straight away.
I know now that there are 2 reasons he got one despite not loving me anymore.
1. My potential: I was the hot one before, I can be hot again surely the complications in my recovery should be over now?
2. He wanted a dog now and knew I be able to take care of it.
He generally works from 09:00-10:00 but with him commute end up coming home around 11:30pm at night.
During our relationship he would never walk the dog around the block nor helped with chores. Now that I’m gone he is doing that but has run into some problems.
1. The dog is now depressed at home
2. When he does walk her she is trying to look for me.
During the last two years I have complained to him that he is not doing enough regarding her happiness. That if he wanted a dog he would at least one it some mornings or some evenings.
So we got to the arrangement that I would take care of her and he will pay for everything. So when I went to the vets I will put it on his account ect. I did pay for her toys, grooming and sometimes food. As she was so excited to get mail and open presents. As toys wasn’t necessarily for her well-being. it was something I was happy to pay.
Before we were done I helped him at his shop and as the dog was well behaved in the small office he thought she was happy. This time when he tried on his own she was bored and had to have a colleague to help take her out.
I have arranged a dog day care service to take care of her till 6pm before I left her Monday-Friday. One that she is familiar with as we used them before. Backpack for an outing. Food and treats for the time being. Now that I’m gone he walks her in the evenings.
He loves her as he been obsessed with the breed before we got together. I offered to buy her off him for double he paid for her but not only is that not enough he doesn’t want to raise another puppy at the moment. He does want two dogs so they can play with each other and was upset I was against that during our relationship. As I was doing most of the care I felt walking two dogs would be too much for me as we lived in a busy city. He doesn’t want another new puppy at the moment since his life is too busy.
I know it might me better for me to just move on and if the dog was not in the picture it would be easier. However, I love the dog with all my heart. I remember one time when she got sick she only wanted to eat out of my hands since she was scared to get food positioning again. She did that only for a week but we have a special bond. Especially as my ex partner was working a lot we had each other as company.
Since I’ve been gone my ex despite admitting he does not want us to work still wants me in their life and want us to keep talking.
So my question is how do we come up with an arrangement that put the dog best interest first?
TL:DR; I was the primary caregiver (90%) of the dog but my ex was the owner. Now that we are done how do we come up with an arrangement that put the dog best interest first? Since currently the dog is sad which makes me upset.
4 comments
I’m confused what you’ve actually agreed on. You say you’ve worked out you’ll look after the dog but he pays, then ask what to do?
I’m afraid I can’t really work out what you want from the situation, other than for the dog to have a good life. If it were an option, would you assume all responsibility for the dog? Could you afford to do so? Do you want to keep seeing your ex socially? Is there any chance your ex would give up the dog or follow a routine that you implemented for him?
Let the dog go, get your own dog with no ties to your ex
Dog custody doesn’t work. It means that you still have to discuss a pet he doesn’t have any time for and once there are new partners around, that’s going to create stress. Perhaps this pet needs to be rehomed to people who do have the time and enthusiasm to keep her.
It seems like it’s his pet, so if you step out, really step out. She’ll love you, but she has no proper ways of setting boundaries, while you can. It’s better to let her forget you then. He should stop sending you sad videos, that dog is no longer your responsibility. It might mean blocking him. As long as you halfass your interaction with this pet, he’s going to keep her unhappy with him.