**TL;DR**: The pastor’s wife of my mom’s church said that too many women skip church on Mother’s Day to go to breakfast, thus putting themselves before God. So when the church offered a Mother’s Day luncheon after service instead of restaurants, mom said she wouldn’t attend any other holidays with our family unless we went to her church
My wife and I always take our moms to a restaurant on Mother’s Day weekend with our two kids, and we’ll sometimes do something fun afterwards such as a movie or hanging out in the backyard. However, things have been difficult for my mom since my father passed away some years ago, and it led to a relapse in drinking (that she stopped for some time when he was alive) along with some depression too. Things began to get better when one of her friends invited her to church, and she’s attended for almost two years which coincided with her dropping alcohol again along with improvements to her mental health (as she got more involved with midweek classes/church support groups). However, that came with some negative side affects that led to me putting up boundaries with her. My mom wasn’t raised religious growing up, but she began to change upon going which later led to me making this post
One of the earliest things she began doing was criticizing the radio in my car for not being Christian music (when driving her to doctor’s appointments), something I ignored because driver picks the radio. But when she criticized my wife for not bringing our kids to her church’s Sunday school, my wife told me, and I told mom that while we’re happy that church has helped her depression and cutting back on alcohol, we personally disagree with indoctrinating kids, but she didn’t like my answer. She said I owed it to her to take them because her husband wasn’t saved and wouldn’t be in heaven with her, and she didn’t want the same for her grandchildren. But when I held firm on my stance, she said I was “failing” as a parent before we eventually dropped it. But when she criticized my wife’s parenting for almost an hour while at a little league game for our son some months back (a game I wasn’t present for that also made her cry), that led to us deciding to set boundaries and taking a break from driving/telling her about sporting events for our kids. Our decision was also based on mom’s newfound willingness to pester my wife (via text) about who she’d be voting for and why she’d be voting right for the first time after explaining how she “wrongly” voted left before going to church. My wife told her nicely that she didn’t feel comfortable discussing politics, but mom ignored her and continued telling her who she should vote for
That finally brings me to Mother’s Day. When we set boundaries, we took a break from bringing her to our kids’ sporting events, but decided to keep holiday gatherings (Christmas, Thanksgiving, Memorial, July 4th, etc) until she improved. But as of this weekend, mom called my wife and told her that she didn’t want to be included in Mother’s Day activities because her church was boycotting Mother’s Day after the pastor’s wife spoke about how too many women skipped church to go to breakfast when God should always come first no matter the holiday. So for that reason, her church was having a Mother’s Day luncheon after service where they wanted mothers to invite their families to church for the holiday, and she wanted us to come with the kids to “hear a message about Mothers from God”. But when my wife said she would talk to me about it, mom criticized her for always having to ask me and said she needed to “grow a spine” which I don’t appreciate. She also told her that our kids needed to be in church and that she wouldn’t spend other holidays with us unless we came, and I’m quite aggravated with her at the moment
So, in conclusion, here is my question. My wife thinks we should cut her off permanently, but I’m in charge of driving her to doctor’s appointments along with getting her medication because she can’t drive, so that makes it slightly complicated to cut her off since her health depends on us (she said she doesn’t want a nurse or retirement home). But if it weren’t for that, I’m right there with her. My wife offered the idea of only me keeping contact for the sole purpose of medication/doctors only, but she’s also unsure and suggested counseling on the matter, and I’m open to doing that together. But as we’re looking into counseling options, I wanted to ask reddit in case anyone else is a caretaker for a difficult person and how to navigate when the relationship changes, and I appreciate any and all advice
*edit: One hour after making my post, it has already been worth it. Others suggested having my mom be driven to the doctor/medications from church friends or an uber, and I hadn’t thought of that before this post. My wife has considered cutting her off in the past and blocking her, but changed her mind every time due to my mom being in a wheelchair and wanting to try and be the bigger person. She is now ready to block her and move on, and the only reason I didn’t cut her off sooner was due to her being in a wheelchair until receiving suggestions to tell her to let church friends or an uber drive her instead of us so we no longer have to tolerate it*
*Mom was never like this before dad passed and she started going to church, but she kept harping on how she realized that her husband wouldn’t be in heaven after getting saved herself, so she wanted her grandchildren to go to heaven and said we “owed it to her” to bring them to church. And when I told her we disagree with indoctrinating children (especially with how Christianity can screw with your mind if they ever want to come out in the future), she called me selfish among other things, and she seems to be driven from losing her husband*
*I think this church has become an unhealthy coping mechanism for her emotional trauma of losing her husband after she refused counseling for her depression when we suggested way back closer to dad’s passing. Here’s what crazy though… her whole personality changed in under two years of going to that church and becoming a Christian. She’s become fixated on hell and wanting our grandkids to go to church so that her grandkids would go to heaven and not be separated from her like dad who died unsaved,, and she even flipped her political parties too and became very outspoken about it when she used to hardly talk politics and was somewhat reserved*