I (20sF) feel like it may be time to leave my BF (20sM)
We moved in during our first months together bc he was kicked out of his last apartment. He told me his roommate was psycho and controlling, but I’m starting to see HE is the controlling and angry person. He has shoved me on several occasions, screams in my face, slaps my walls when he’s angry, forces me to go home with him rather than Uber when we’re fighting outside of the home, has disrespected me by messaging women who he used to have sex with, told me NOT to be friends with exes or flings yet has done it on several occasions, just so much more…
I know I’m not perfect. I argue, I get upset, I have MAJOR anxiety and I can’t go see his family with him sometimes(which leads him to be angry at me for entire weekends), I can be cold and want to walk away from arguments. I try to sleep in another room if things aren’t being resolved.
I’ve been dumb enough to stay this long, and now I’m just hoping he’ll break up with me so I don’t have to… or maybe he’ll find a place for “us” to move, and I just stay where I live now. I do still love who he presented at first, but that person isn’t real. I guess I’m holding onto faith that person will come back, but I know he’s the way he’s shown me he is now.
I just don’t know what to do.
TL;DR : my boyfriend has completely changed from the first few months, and I want to leave him. But idk how to go about this.
4 comments
Leave on a day he’s gone. Go to a friend’s or a family members place. Text him it’s over and never talk to him again.
Talk to your property manager about your lease and see what they can do. You will likely need to find a way out of the lease or find someone to replace you. You can do this from another location, get your stuff moved to storage if you have to and maybe stay with a friend? Don’t stay with an abuser no matter how inconvenient leaving is
I don’t think you can safely ask him to leave.
Check your local tenant laws to see if you can simply boot him from the flat, if yes:
Figure out when he is gone for the longest possible stretch of time. Then recruit friends/family to come over to help you pack up his stuff and IMMEDIATELY change the locks.
At least one male friend/family member (because I’m assuming he will respect them more) will have to stay overnight, ideally you’ll have a series of sleepovers for a week.
Put his things in boxes, then text him that you did exactly that and that he can come pick them up.
If he asks where he’s supposed to stay: he can crash on a couch somewhere. It is not your problem, you are not safe with him.
If he asks to keep a few boxes at your place, say no. If one of your (male) friends or your parents or siblings are willing to keep a few boxes for a while, that could be an option. Block him EVERYWHERE (not optional) except on email. If he claims something is missing from his stuff, say you’ll have a look and you’ll mail it to him. Do not, for no reason, meet up with him.
Change all your passwords.
(you could also have him pack his stuff, but then you’d need people around, too and the chance for escalation is higher).
If you can, document what he does in terms of violence and coercion until that point.
I know this may seem like overkill, but this man has screamed in your face and exhibited violent, scary and controlling behaviour. Better safe than sorry.
If you cannot just kick him out, figure out how to get off your lease (quietly), find a new place (quietly) and leave when he’s out with the help from friends and family (who will be sworn not to tell him where you live). Block him everywhere and change your passwords after one message along the lines of “you are behaving violently towards me and I’m leaving you. Please do not contact me.”
The chance that he is going to leave you or react in a safe, calm and rational manner upon finding out you’re planning on leaving is very, very close to 0%.
Take whatever action you need to feel safe, even if it feels cruel. He is at fault here and your safety is the most important thing, not his feelings.
The first shove should be the last, I hope you get out of there fast and alive!!