quite a few months ago, i (19F) got my boyfriend (19M) into smoking weed. it was fun the first couple of times – we would smoke together maybe once every few weeks. i get quite introverted and sometimes a bit nonverbal when i smoke, and meanwhile my bf, who is usually relatively quiet and not too talkative, gets very, very silly and loud and can need babysitting. he has a very low tolerance and the weed is quite strong, so even one or two inhales will make him like this. when i was stoned this started to become stressful for me and then both of us would end up having a bad time because i’d get tense.
we started smoking separately because i got stressed out when he was high and i still only smoke maybe once every few weeks, while he was smoking more and more, every 2 days or so. this started to worry me as he is autistic and has diagnosed depression and anxiety which he is medicated for. i told him that i thought he was smoking too much and i was concerned he might start using it as a crutch, and he insisted he was in control. we agreed for him to go a month without it, more to ease my anxiety over it than anything. i was relieved as i thought this could help me stop worrying about it.
however, a week into the month, he asked if i’d mind if he smoked. i was upset and said that if he can’t go a month then there’s cause for concern, and he said that he could do a week easily so he’s sure he can do a month easily, therefore he doesn’t consider it a problem. i told him that he really hasn’t proved that and in fact he’s shown me the opposite. he smoked anyway.
i’ve sort of put this behind me because communication wasn’t working and neither of us could see the other person’s side and instead we agreed that if he was gonna smoke he just wouldn’t tell me about it and i’d rather not know anyway.
despite this, though, any time i know he has smoked recently i have this quite intense lingering anxiety over the whole thing. i know he’s an adult and can do what he wants, and if he thinks the amount he’s smoking is fine he probably knows his limits, but no amount of logical thinking can make me feel okay about it. how can i reframe this anxiety or resolve it?
tl;dr: i get anxious when my bf smokes due to it being a topic of conflict, then my boyfriend couldn’t go a month without smoking after we agreed on it and i got upset. communicating didn’t work so we agreed that he wouldn’t tell me when he smokes so i don’t have to know, but any time i know he’s smoked recently i have lingering anxiety over it despite thinking about it logically.