I (24F) have been with my boyfriend (31M) for a bit over 5 months now. I really love him and I believe he loves me too, but we’ve had a rather big issue regarding our intimate life.
My bf is violent in bed, and he’s been like that since the beginning of our relationship. It can sometimes an issue for me, because I can’t help feeling objectified and used, although I never told him straight away. I do like a little violence in bed, but not systematically, and not to the point where I see stars because he slapped me too hard (happened 2 times). And the big thing is: he never warned me that he’ll get violent, and this is not a conversation we’ve had before. He never told me about his kinks and never asked about my limits.
I’m at a loss because as I just said, I like a little violence in bed. But the way and frequency it happens make me really insecure. The only time I managed to talk about it was when I asked him to be a bit more gentle and told him I’d enjoy a bit of tenderness, while loving his brutal style once in a while.
I feel I should have be more upfront about how his ways can make me feel insecure. But I didn’t until last week, when a friend of mine raised concerns about my sexual life. They said it’s not ok it is to behave violently in bed without making sure of both partner’s consent. It kind of opened my eyes.
Long story short, I told my boyfriend I needed to take a break from our relationship because I could not handle his violence in bed anymore. I let it all out: how it made me feel, and how it worried me that we’ve never openly discussed it.
Because he seemed to find my worries irrational at that moment, I also suggested that he sees a sex therapist (or at least a therapist). I feel like that would be also beneficial for me (i see a therapist regularly but haven’t brought up that issue yet).
After a week of no contact, we openly talked. I told him I was sorry to let it all out at once, that I should have set better boundaries, but that he should also have told me about his kinks, and asked whether I was in or not. Also said I could be ok one time and not the other, and that it would make me feel confortable to know that we can check on each other while having sex. He apologized seeing how that truly affected me. He said he would change this behaviour and that I can just let him know when I’m in the mood for kinkier sex. But idk, this whole situation still worries me. The fact that he found me irrational when I finally talked makes me question whether he’s really conscious of how problematic he’s been. He did not bring up the therapy thing I suggested but I feel it would really help us. I don’t know if I should push that idea further. I’m scared he finds this ridiculous as we’ve only been together for 5 months, but this isn’t only an « us » question: therapy could be useful for him if we break up and he ends up in another relationship.
Sorry, this post is pretty long, but I don’t know what to do what to do to be reassured, and I don’t know what he can do to reassure me. For the moment I guess I’ll just open to him as much as I can regarding our sex life, but is there anything else I could do? Should I insist on the therapy thing, and maybe go with him?
Thanks Reddit