I know I can be hard to get to know sometimes because it takes me awhile to get comfortable with people and I am very anti social. I received signals early on in childhood and everyone liked my sister more than me; one of them actually told me and this deeply affected me because I never knew why I was good enough. After that my self esteem took a major blow and I was basically mute al through out school. When I did talk to people I was really awkward because I honestly didn’t know how to just be myself and felt immense pressure. I had a friend group but then I moved class and those ties sort of faded out but then we got closer again. ( the whole group recently just feel apart) I can’t help but think of that didn’t happen to me as a child or I got help early on I wouldn’t be in this position and perhaps I would of found “my people” by now.
I carry so much shame from my past, that’s really hard for me to get over.
My own mother has even told me that I am unlikable and I humiliate her because of the way I “carry myself”. She already treated me like shit before that but now I just feel extremely sad and like maybe she’s right.