My boyfriend (24M) and I (24F) have been dating for almost 5 years now and I’m strongly considering breaking things off with him. There has been a long build up to this and quite frankly I think I’m at my breaking point. We’ve been living together for 2 years after being kicked out of his parents house and basically couch hopping. We were kicked out solely because his parents didn’t like me and were racist. I thought us living together would be a fresh start and huge new step in our relationship. This joy lasted all of maybe 2 days as my boyfriend caused an accident and got a DUI. This really put our relationship on the rocks but for some reason I didn’t even consider breaking things off with him at the moment. He clearly had a drinking problem and I tried to help him through the entire thing but often received a lot of pushback. I figured we could go sober together, but he fought that. I suggested staying in more because his friends were a really bad influence, he also fought that. I basically became a hermit also saving money because I had no idea what court fees would occur and was worried the worst would happen. He struggled between his old lifestyle and the new one I desired. During this time our sex life also lacked and all around just wasn’t a great time.
After everything was settled in court things started to look up but some of the bad habits I built were brought up often. He often brought up how I didnt go out with friends. How I was basically a hermit and dependent on him for social aspects. I also genuinely hated my work and was quite depressed but I dont think he understood. On one hand I made a sacrifice he didn’t really ask for so I understand that was my own fault. On the other hand I hated my work, my friends moved away from me, and I just felt unfilled. I set out to work on some of those things and do better for myself. Since that period I’ve started a different masters program which I absolutely love and hope to get my phd afterwards. I’ve gotten a new job which I also really love. A few of my friends have moved back closer to me so I actively go out with them and coworkers. I’ve started my own workouts and have gotten a dog who I stay quite active with. I’ve eaten healthier and just all around am taking better care of myself. I’ve also been actively going to therapy.
Now, the problem begins with I feel like my boyfriend is stagnant. No longer can he make things about me or make me feel bad about not being so independent (quite frankly I was pretty much always independent). He still has not replaced his car from almost two years ago and mostly uses my car. He’s started drinking a bit more often compared to when we attempted to go sober (I’ve never had a drinking problem and drink only at social event). He has cut back on activities with his friends, but I think this is mostly because in the situation I was in where his friends have moved away. Despite all my efforts our sex life has not gotten any better. In our moments where we happy it’s great, but other times he makes me feel as if I’m burden for asking for attention or seeking sex. This has made me really insecure and slowly built my confidence back up by myself. I’ve tried having numerous conversations with him about our communication, our sex life, us even working out together. Nothing works. This last conversation I had with him I brought up our sex life again and how I wanted to have a more active sex life (we’ve had this conversation 10+ times at this point and have been “actively” working on this). That conversation was 2 months ago and we still have yet to have sex.
I genuinely love my boyfriend and think we’re quite compatible in a lot of aspects. We have a lot of fun traveling, at home, and with friends. But I can’t keep overlooking some of these important aspects nor do I want to feel like a burden. I’ve mentioned couples therapy before and while he doesn’t seem eager to go but he’s willing to give it a chance. I’m honestly not even sure I should make the attempt to go to couples. Part of me is not willing to keep trying and ready to break things off, but on the other hand I want try and exhaust all options. I’m exhausted at this ongoing cycle in our relationship and not sure if this is something that may just pass and I’m overthinking or this is a major red flag.
TLDR: Should I cut my losses and break up with my boyfriend of 5 years or seek couples therapy after our relationship has been stagnant despite all my efforts for us to do better.