I just got back together with my boyfriend after I broke up with him because I was feeling overwhelmed by his clinginess/feeling like he was putting me on a pedestal as well as simultaneous judging of my sexual past. I’m his first relationship as an adult (his last one was in high school). and idk, i’ve never connected with someone on this level, but I’m afraid I’m seeing them more as a friend. It’s something about the adoration he gives me that I’m not used to… at all. I’m not saying we’re completely healthy, but it’s the closest I’ve ever gotten to it in a relationship. I have an avoidant attachment, I never saw even semi-healthy marriages growing up.
He, I believe, has an insecure/anxious attachment and he’s always dreamed of finding “the one” and getting married (he was raised in a religious household). He always wants to be around me, wants reassurance, and sings praises about me and our relationship it feels like constantly. It just doesn’t feel natural to me because it’s something I’m not used to, and I’ve expressed that to him. He then how people he’s dated have told him he was “too nice” and saw him more as a friend, and that this “always happens” to him. I guess I sometimes get this boyish immature innocence vibe from him with the way he approaches our relationship.
I know he’s an adult (he very much has his shit together and has served as motivation for me), and he truly means what he says, but the way he communicates it can be off-putting, and I can’t tell him things if it has to do with how I feel about our relationship. That immature view was only further cemented when he had an incredibly hard time learning about my sexual history and that I had an extensive hookup phase after getting out of my last long-term relationship of five years. In having conversations to deal with his emotions, he would say things like he doesn’t know how to reconcile the person he knows with someone like that (someone easy and “that type of girl”).
This time was very disheartening for me, as I was already dealing with the other issues as it was. I also had issues with him when it came to intimacy. Idk if I was turned off from both of those issues combined (the simultaneous clinginess and judgment) but it’s why we broke up. He would become passive aggressive about how I don’t “touch” him, which was a lie, but it made the situation even weirder, impacting any passion and intimacy we had. It felt like he just expected me to be “on” despite all of our problems, partly because of the problem (that I was a sexual person in my past) and that put added pressure on me, which I didn’t feel was fair.
But when we were broken up, it’s like I felt that we would eventually get back together. I don’t know why. Part of it was that I was struggling to be alone, I guess. and he is my best friend so I just missed talking to him. He also was struggling, even more than me. He got on medication to cope with the anxiety. I felt horrible because I felt like he was legitimately suffering. After just two weeks, we got back together. He said he was an immature child for ever caring about my past, and he apologized profusely. Besides that, though, he’s always treated me amazingly. He just struggled with my past in large part due to his religious upbringing. He always brings me flowers, loves to pamper me and take me out, and uplifts and motivates me to be the best version of myself.
One kind of compliment he does give me that feels more like motivation and that I genuinely appreciate is telling me how much he believes me, and knows I can do anything. I’ve never had someone believe in me the way that he does. He’s also so intelligent, so I know he could actually do anything and be successful lol. The problem is with sexually desiring him, which I know I wouldn’t be making this post right now if I wasn’t feeling like my sex drive was impacted. I don’t know if it’s lingering effects from our previous problems or what, but I can’t ignore it.
I know I have my own issues. I’m in therapy for childhood trauma, which I know affects the way I approach and experience relationships. I was used to more passive partners that didn’t give that much affection, and I was okay with that because I wanted to keep them at a distance. So I feel like I’ve found a best friend in this man and I can be 100% myself with someone for the first time in my life. I love him and he loves me, and I don’t take that lightly, which is why I don’t want to make another mistake or rush to breaking up because of how I’m feeling. I know I’ve been feeling this way for a while.. I just don’t know what to do. I can’t keep feeling off put without feeling like I’m being dishonest with him. But I truly don’t know if I’ll find a man like him ever again, and I know our connection can’t be replicated, but I do feel off put by the relationship aspect of things..
tl;dr my boyfriend is my best friend but issues we’ve had (his simultaneous clinginess and judging of my sexual past) has put me off sexually, and I don’t know how to do with it