Hello,
There’s a situation that I’m kind of a part of and I’m not quite sure what I should do other than move on. There’s quite a lot of variable.
I [34m] have changed in the last two years from living a successful single life, to now wanting to really find my person and start building with them.
I live in a city with this social group organization that I am active in and you meet a lot of amazing people through there. It’s about 2000 members strong. From doing events, I met a group of friends in November/December that I spend a lot of time with with maybe 30 people in this smaller cohort that we’ve developed.
Normally I wouldn’t intersect my love life and social life, but I figured I have other friends if it doesn’t work out, and historically when there’s respect and communication, I’ve never had trouble being friends with a love interest. Anyway, there was this cute and very fun girl [27F] (let’s call her P) that I met and I could tell that we had that natural chemistry. When I met her she was dating someone casually since October so I never pursued it, but in January, I guess they had a little falling out about commitment, and we started escalating our flirting.
Now P [27F] has what I feel like is teetering on a codependent relationship with her best friend [27F] (let’s call her K). On the aggregate, P is much more valued by guys, than her best friend K, probably just based on her looks.
Well as our flirting increases and P and I keep seeing each other at group events, the normal next step in my mind would be to ask her out so I can get to know her one on one.
I asked her out and that’s where the drama ensued. I wanted to be a little bit more mindful of the social dynamic, so I essentially told her I was into her and I’d like to get to know her by taking her out. She was incredibly receptive toward it and I thought it was pretty successful. I said take a few days and if you’re curious, let’s see what’s there. Well, of course she told her best friend K, which is expected, but K didn’t respond very well. Apparently (according to P that I found out later), K was pressuring her to give me an answer in a certain way, she also knew my best friend [28m] (let’s call him M), and went to him and criticized him like “why would you let him ask her out,” “tell him that P doesn’t even like him,” etc etc and it caused a lot of stress and drama.
I wanted it to be like boy likes girl -> boy asks girl out -> girl decides. If yes, then great, if no, then move on. Well P did accept my invitation to take her out, even though K kept telling my best friend that P had no interest in me. I’ve dated enough where I can usually tell if there is interest. Anyway, P was about to go on a business trip, so we tentatively said we’d plan it after, and it was also close to Valentine’s day. I learned in the subsequent days that she decided to try and work it out with that situationship and went to Valentine’s day with him. I wasn’t interested in pursuing further because I had a good feeling that she was really into him already and for what I’m looking for emotional availability is important.
I just left it alone and saw her every so often at group events, and everything was fine, and we actually started to develop a friendship. It was always hard to talk to her in person because she and K are practically attached at the hip. In mid march, K goes on vacation for a week, and coincidentally there were a few group events that week where we both attended, and that’s really where I started to get closer to her. We aired everything out about, we got on the same page, the communication was healthy, and when she asked why I never pursued it, I just told her for what I want, I need the girl to be emotionally available. P agreed she was not, as she continued to see this guy.
When she found out about my perspective of the drama that occurred when I asked her out, something I mentioned prompted P to text K on her vacation. It was related along the lines of “K said that you were using me for attention.” Now I don’t know exactly how it was communicated since I was the 3rd player in a game of telephone with people who shouldn’t have been involved at all in my love life, so it’s possible I messed something up there from my understanding of the situation. Apparently K flipped out said “we ruined her family dinner,” messaged my best friend, got him worked up, which then he messaged P to try to clarify whatever was said. P conveyed to me, “let’s just chalk it up as miscommunication, and leave it be, I knew K wouldn’t talk about me like that.” So I did. After that conversation we agreed on friendship due to her current love interest. Between P and I, everything was good.
Over the next couple weeks, I start getting closer to P as friends, with intermittent things happening where we had 1:1 time. It was actually turning out to be a pretty healthy relationship dynamic. I saw K a few times in these weeks at events, and she pretended like nothing occurred. Well P invited me to a road trip concert in April, and I get a ticket and the 3 of us P, K, and me plan on going together. K calls me up the day of the trip and flips out, saying she doesn’t feel comfortable going with me since I’m only going because I’m obsessed with P. I let her get her feelings out before I respond, and I was able to ease her concerns. However I did say “I’m not obsessed with P, I do like her, but we’ve decided on friendship. I’m not going to pursue a girl who’s in love with another guy.”
Well we go on this 8 hour roadtrip and K was incredibly mean to me the entire weekend. It felt like she was trying to box me out from hanging with P and just being overall rude and inconsiderate. She made a point to schedule 22 concerts with P over the next year right in front of me without even a mention of inviting me. P had to say something to K in private about her actions, which in their friend dynamic, I’ve never seen happen. K is very in charge personality and P is sweet and submissive.
On the way to drop P off from the trip I tried to talk about the situation a little, P said that K wouldn’t tell her anything of why she was acting like that and she can have her own friends. I take her at her word because she’s always been sincere and honest with me. The next few days she was truthful in that, everything was fine between me and P, I helped her with her taxes and investments, she was helping me with my resume and a bad shroom trip I had. A good healthy friendship.
Two days after the trip, I texted K and asked if we could sit down and talk through what’s going on. Even though I wasn’t as close to her, i still felt like she was my friend too. It was left on read.
Well I found out that K was in the background talking to other people in that friend group and just causing drama. P went out of town for a few days so I didn’t talk to her, but we had a going away party that saturday and P & K were there. I said “hey how are you” to K, and she gets this look of contempt at me and gives me the fakest “good how are you.” I put out my arm for a half hug and she stood there stone cold. it was clear she was not interested in having anything to do with me. I gave her space that night and spent time with other friends. There were two times during that night where I sort of interacted with P, and everything was normal. The first P stopped me and came up gave me a hug, we had a brief chitchat, but i noticed K behind her scowling at me as in I shouldn’t be talking to P. I end the conversation and say let’s catch up soon, because I didn’t want to create drama on that night as it was my best friend going away party. I run into a little later in the night and I come to approach her just to chitchat, nothing serious and K grabs P and says let’s go dance. again it was somebody else’s going away and I didn’t want to create drama so I just left it be.
now it seems like in the group text with the 30s people or so that K is very adamant about always using P name about how they’re doing something together, if I had to guess it was to show everyone that P belongs to her.
I’ve been racking my brain, trying to understand the underlying motivations that is causing this, but there are a bunch of scenarios. The one thing that I know is that this isn’t a healthy relationship that K and P have together.
I like P, we’re on the same page, I even checked in with her recently to make sure I didn’t cross any boundaries or anything, and she confirmed that. Yeah everything is good. If the timing ever works out, I’d be interested in exploring more. However, the dynamic with K seems like it’s not worth it to even trying to be friends with her and get to know her on a deeper level. I think I’ve been handling it good so far, but part of me believes that K responds like this because she knows that P will shut down and not want to deal with the drama, keeping P to herself.
I don’t know if it’s because she was interested in me, or she’s interested in P secretly, or if it’s about control because P does attract guys and if I gave her everything she was looking for, P wouldn’t be around as much to talk to boys with K. P and I both have the shared values of wanting to find a serious relationship and start building that and have a family one day. That life wouldn’t include drinking with her best friend K every weekend, and maybe she’s afraid that her prior freak out didn’t scare me away and I’ve actually progressed in getting to know P better despite the drama.
Personally, I’ve dated enough in my life where I know what dispositions and personalities that I’m compatible with and P is a good catch for me. if the timing ever works out, that would be great, but I’m not sure how to deal with the lack of emotional control by her best friend.
Does anyone know what is psychologically occurring here, and what I should do?
TLDR: trauma bond/codependent best friend of a girl, is causing issues with me trying to get to know her.