My boyfriend and I moved in together in March after about 1.5 years together. Its been good, but all of our disagreements and fights center around cleaning.
In his old apartment, I despised his kitchen. I did everything I could to avoid being there and it really grossed me out. He would rather let the crumbs and small spills sit on the counter, in the sink, or on the stovetop until our cleaning day on Sunday than spend 2 extra seconds wiping it up when he makes the mess. He’s all about efficiency and doing the least amount of work to finish the task for things like this.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it. I’m also not the best at communicating when I don’t like something so he feels like I’m constantly nagging him and I don’t blame him. I’ve been working on this so I’ve been trying to adjust my standards and deal with it. This past week especially I haven’t said much and I feel our kitchen is disgusting. I’ve been avoiding it as much as I can because I hate being in there. Theres crumbs on the counter, a spatula sits dirty on the counter next to the stove 24/7 with little spills and crumbs surrounding it, theres food in the sink all day along with dirty dishes (even though the dishwasher is ready for dirty dishes), the faucet to the sink has some kind of gross dried food on it. I want to say to you after reading that specific sentence that things like this bother me a lot more than the average person so whatever you just pictured in your head I’d probably tone it down a little bit to get the best picture. I also have some weird issues with food messes, things like wet food (food in the sink) can make me physically gag.
The past week of me avoiding the kitchen also resulted in me not eating very much and I just made the connection laying awake at 4am that it might be because I’m avoiding going in there since it means I either have to tolerate and work around the mess or feel like I’m cleaning up after him. Regardless of whether that contributed to the many reasons I wasn’t eating this week or not, I don’t want to live in a house where I find our kitchen gross. How do I approach this in a healthy, constructive way without being naggy? Another comment he’s made is that he feels like he is always making compromises and learning how to clean and I’m not. I don’t disagree with him. I am absolutely willing to make compromises and have in other ways around the house, but I’m struggling to tolerate the kitchen.
Also, because I would be thinking it if I were you, I know I need likely therapy/medication and I am in the process of making that happen so hopefully that will help me to be more willing to let small things slide and improve my communication skills independently.
Tldr my boyfriend leaves small messes around the kitchen and I can’t stand it. How do I approach this in a healthy way without nagging him?