My boyfriend of 10 years – porn addiction, prostitutes, general lying and cheating on me but I CANT SEEM TO BREAK UP WITH HIM

38 comments

1. Can someone help me? – therapy

2. > I keep being reminded of the good times and all the future plans we have.

   You can have those with other people. People who didn’t secretly put you at risk for STDs over and over again. People who respect you.

3. he’s gonna keep doing it if U stay with him fyi.

4. Okies – things to think about.

   – why do you need to know everything ? It is likely a mechanism to make you avoid facing into what you do know and doing something about it.

   – have you had an std test ? If not, please do.

   – are you still having sex ? If so, please stop bcos this intimacy is a distraction to the wider picture.

   – he’s got one foot out the door ‘bcos of everything thats happened’. Do you see this as a comment on how you have handled things and perhaps he is thinking about leaving bcos of you (all utterly incorrect btw) ?

   – why would you try and forget about someone lying over years and putting your health at risk ?

   – you are very young – I understand this is your first big relationship and these are the hardest to take when they end. But there are millions of people out there who you could potentially have a much nicer relationship with. He has knocked your confidence – thats on him, you don’t need to accept it.

   – it doesnt matter what everyone else is doing, especially when you are only seeing the good bits. You have to live your best life and girl, this is not it.

   Leave, take the cat, get into therapy, keep so busy you are dead on your feet by the end of the day and can sleep.

   Day by day, it will be different, then better.

   Then you will see him for the sleazy shit weasel that he is. X

5. If this is this serious of an addiction for him and you love him then he really needs to get help. That’s all there is to that, you can’t fix him. I honestly don’t see a future for you where your boyfriend doesn’t cheat. If you’re both that young and have been together for that long, it’s like it’s almost hardwired in his brain to cheat. He needs some serious therapy, not to mention that additional risk he is taking of passing STDs off to you, and you should probably get regularly tested if you plan on staying with him. For me personally, I wouldn’t be able to look at someone if they cheated especially if it was as severe as what they did to you.

6. Girl… what is wrong with you?

   Why are you ok with this man completely DISRESPECTING YOU, SHITTING ON YOU AND WALKING ALL OVER YOU. this guy DOES NOT CARE about you. 10 years!! Do yourself a favor and leave this garbage person. find someone with at least half a brain who respects you. Seriously.

7. You don’t trust him. Period. You haven’t for a long time. And that’s on him, I get it. But, the cornerstones to any good, healthy relationship are honesty and trust. He is dishonest, of course, but you do not trust him. You have access to his entire life all of the time because you’re constantly afraid he’s cheating on you (with good reason). It must be absolutely exhausting.

   And here’s the advice that everyone on here will tell you, that everyone in your life has been telling you: leave this relationship. There is nothing left here and anything that is left requires outside intervention or a lot of self-work on both your parts. If that’s worth it to you, that’s fine, but it seems like you’re wasting a lot of time with someone who simply is not ready or willing to give you what you want. Leave or start trusting him, those are your options

8. Emm leave him?

9. You’re not in love with him. You’re in love with the routine and predictability/comfort of your relationship.

   Breaking up hurts. Being single sucks. Wasting 10 years also sucks so you’re avoiding the inevitable to spare yourself the pain.
   You deserve better. You should have left the first lie or first time he cheated on you. You’ve stayed with him through so many despicable actions that he knows he can do what ever he wants.
   The more he gets away with a lie, the more he will do it.

   Dump his ass. Work on your confidence and self esteem and allow yourself to hurt and grieve over the relationship and what could have been.

   You’re only so young and wasted 10 years of your life with a jerk.

   Sorry it’s harsh. But I see so many stories from one half of a couple putting up with shit and not leaving. Internet strangers can give you advise but will you actually listen and take it or make excuses for his deplorable actions.
   And tbh I’ve been in your shoes too and learnt boundaries much later in life because I was co dependent.

   It’s not you, it’s him. Time to move on.

10. Well you’re basically wasting your time with the Chad/Tyrone. Eventually (when you guys are in ur 30s or approaching ur 30s) that guy will probably realize that you’re old and he will move on. That or you’ll settle down with some doormat guy.

11. Why do you hate yourself so much to let him walk over you like that? I don‘t understand you. You are wasting your youth on him.

12. It’s up to you tbh mate – you’ve wasted 10 years of your life I can’t even imagine doing that – and you’re only seeing the consequences now.

    Your mates will soon all be having kids in happy relationships – that take YEARS to build, btw – and you’ll still be getting cheated on and taking shit ‘day by day’. Soon you’ll be 30, 40 and doors will start closing like you’ve already seen doors close.

    What you do is up to you – keep wasting time here or fucking move on like you should have done 9 years ago. Do better, or see more consequences it totally up to you. I suggest you do better.

13. Did you seriously write all this out and ask if you should give him the benefit of the doubt? Take the blinders off, you’re wasting your life on this guy. You literally do a monthly check on this guy’s social media accounts. This relationship has run its course.

    Do you really want to marry someone who cheats with sex workers and lies to your face about it for years?

14. He lies about everything. How do you know he’s not just hiding things?

15. Women make safe bubble and they don’t want to get out of it. They think that bubble protects them in reality it’s traps them. Neither they can scape nor look outside. They think this their life only reason of their existence.

    “Think 100 times before you do something when you do something never regret”

    Question: While love him for a ten years did you forget to
    love self ?

16. Respectfully, you’ve gotta respect yourself. You have so much knowledge of how poorly he treats you, and you have all the power to make that stop. Why should you give up on achieving your life goals for someone who thinks it’s okay to CONTINUALLY hurt you?

17. So, what are you looking for here? You know he’s lying, cheating on you, and being majorly disrespectful to both you and the relationship, and clearly has no intention of changing, but you’re not willing to leave him and you’re not willing to consider therapy, so what else is there? Strangers on the internet are not going to be able to provide you with magic words that will transform him into a different person.

18. The possessiveness you feel over him may likely feel constricting to him, and extremely draining on you. He probably feels he can’t open up to you or anyone for fear of being judged or for fear of backlash. You need to be with someone who respects and adheres to established boundaries.

    You sounds as if the trust isn’t there and never will be again. Break things off, focus on yourself for a while, and try again with someone new when you’re no longer feeling so insecure. Talk to a therapist – not about him, but about your own issues. Leave him in the past and find someone who you can build something healthy with.

    You say all your friends are getting married, and that’s great for them, but remember that there’s no set timeline or expectations on these things and it’s okay not to be ready now or have found the right person now. You started your relationship with him very young, and haven’t had the chance to truly learn and grow through the experience that multiple failed relationships would teach. You likely have a very strong emotional dependency on him and that’s that’s going to be so tough to break.

    Focus on creating a safe space where you can heal. Then find someone better for you. Hopefully one day he’ll figure his problems out, but that’s not your job to wait and find out about because it’ll take him years and years. Hell, it might even be good for you to test the waters and really learn what YOU want from a partner that fulfills all your needs. Right now, your current partner clearly isn’t it.

19. If you stay with him, this is what it’s going to be. This is going to be your future. Please for the love of god, love yourself enough to leave him.

20. I’m so sorry. I know it’s hard to lose not only him, but the life you envisioned. A few things to say.

    Firstly, it’s time to let go, and I think you know that. This is a sunk-cost fallacy. He will not get better; you are just wasting more time.

    Second of all (and maybe this is a cultural thing), you are still SO young. Do not let that bar you from living the life you deserve.

    And finally, get some one-on-one therapy. This will be a fight to get over. He has violated your trust so deeply and I can’t imagine how hard that is.

    Best of luck to you.

21. Have some self esteem.

22. This will be your future take it from my nana. My nana is now 65 years old and my grandfather is 72 I think now:) They were married for around 40 years and he did basically everything you listed to her lied, cheated, and she forgave him and everything. Years passed and things did calm down. Until 4 years ago a 26 year old showed up at our door step looking for his father. She snapped and divorced him and is now a 65 year old widow seeking therapy for wasting her youth and is looking for love elsewhere. If you stay with this man that could very much be you as well. Cheers!

23. I was your bf at the end of my marriage, you don’t know everything yet and prob don’t want to.

    Best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago, second best time is now. Don’t spend the rest of your 20’s or 30’s or 40’s dealing with bullshit, get the fuck out😄

24. How on earth he’s the one suggesting breaking up is crazy to me girl do you have no self awareness? How does he do this to you for 10 whole years and you’re here asking for a way to make this dead relationship work…. walk away. The only relationship you should be working on is the one with yourself maybe that will help you figure out why you’re okay with people treating you this way.

    Also what your friends are doing is irrelevant. You seem to be focused on the fact that you’re friends are getting engaged getting married and you’re not but have you ever wondered its because your boyfriend sucks? Don’t keep fighting for a dead relationship just because you dotn want to start over you’re wasting your own time. Marry him now butdont be surprised when your next 10 years are filled with cheating and sex workers.

25. 🤦

26. He does not love you or respect you. And he will continue to walk all over you until you gain the courage to leave.

27. I am in my forties now. I was married to this guy for 10 years and had two children with him. Okay, not this guy but it could be. He made a great deal of money and we were never able to save anything because he spent all of our money on other women. For years he hurt me and I would cry. Eventually, I couldn’t cry or care any more and was able to leave.

    I love my children very much.

    This man, he is not the man you want to spend your life with. He will only hurt you. Look for someone with morals and for someone that will value and treat you well. You deserve better than this.

    P.S. Yes. He is porn addicted. It’s not your job to fix him. If you try to fix him, he will hurt you.

28. Lol why are you getting couples counselling for HIS porn addiction?

29. Girl. Say goodbye. “Monthly check”? Super unhealthy. You will never be able to trust this man and that’s not a foundation that you can build a life together on. Would you let a new guy you were dating treat you this way? Definitely not, so why does he get a pass when he should have 10 years worth of love and loyalty to you? If you’re worried about your wasted time being with him and all that you’ve put into your relationship, don’t. You are young. I was in a 10 year relationship from 14-24 myself. We had similar issues, not prostitutes but a lot of cheating and not enough trust. Don’t waste any more of your life on this man. Don’t let him turn his betrayal into something he needs you to help him work on. You owe him nothing. But you owe it to yourself to put yourself first. Feel free to message if you want deeper advice because I have 1000000% been there and I am so sorry that you’re dealing with this. But please get out while you still can.

30. If a good friend of yours came up to you and told you this story, what would you tell her? What if she told you this was going on for 20 years? What if there were kids involved?

    You need to run. Find the good in someone who hopefully hasn’t already given you an incurable STI or worse. It’s not a race, you don’t have to marry the dud because your friends are having kids. The first wave of divorces is coming, you don’t want to lead the pack on that front.

    It’s okay to start over with someone new. It’s okay to decide you made a mistake at 14.

31. You’re attached to him because you’ve been together for so long and breaking up would be scary to start over.

    The simple fact is that he will do it again, especially once he feels you’re convinced he won’t and won’t be suspicious of him. He cheated on you, multiple times, and that is more than enough evidence to realize you should break up with him. He does not value you the way you value him.

32. >Can someone help me?

    None of us here can want better for you than you want for yourself. You are the person who needs to do the heavy lifting. You also need to realize that you’re responsible for your own happiness. So in short, until you’re willing to help yourself, no one else can either.

    After 10 years you should be sharp enough to realize that this is who he is. He’s not going to change because he not only doesn’t want to but he also doesn’t have the incentive to. If he wanted to treat you with the respect you were due, he’d do it. You are not enough to him. It’s just that simple.

    You can certainly continue to try to hold on to the good times, or convince yourself that he thinks he has a porn addiction; but at what cost to your self respect? You’ve got friends who are taking the next steps on their lives and it sounds like you want the same with a healthy partner, yet you’re stuck taking it day by day. If you ask me, that’s a terrible waste.

    I would encourage you not to get caught up in the time you’ve spent with this guy, and instead decide upon the kind of life you want to live. Then ask yourself, if he refuses to change, would I be happy with the life I have with him. If the answer is no, please have the good sense to torch the relationship, as that would be more merciful than what you’ve been doing.

33. Your wasting your life on someone who isn’t worth it, find someone who will love you, and ONLY you! I hope you find the courage to realize what’s best for yourself! You deserve it!

34. You’re getting what you think you deserve.

    You are not obligated to stay in a relationship, even if there are good days sometimes.

    I hope that someday you get the courage to prioritize your well-being, improve your sense of self worth, and work towards what you truly want in life.

    Good luck!

35. You are in a teen relationship but now you’re a young adult. Totally different paradigms. While it not unheard of for “young/puppy love” to hold through marriage and kids and life, it is extremely rare.
    Point here is that, by his repeated actions and words, he has shown you what kind of adult he’s becoming. And it ain’t good. You need to move on. The break up WILL SUCK. There’s no denying that. On the other side of that pain of loss will be a tremendous amount of personal growth for you. I wish you all the best, OP. You’re going to be ok.

36. You are still young. A lot of people get the sunk cost fallacy in a toxic relationship and end up wasting years of their prime on someone who couldn’t give a solitary shit about wasting their life. Don’t let him waste any more of your time. He won’t change. He won’t commit. It will be a constant cycle of therapy/relapse/repeat. He’s already shown this to you. You know what you want, and you won’t get it from him. So dump him, go out there, and get it.

37. Leave! I waited 15 years of dealing with exactly what you are. But we had 2 kids. And he was physically abusive. They will not change. Now he’s doing the same to his current girlfriend of 10 years.

38. Pls do yourself a favor. Your 24!!! It’s time to step that cookie up and have some fun with good people who deserve your attention. Summer is almost here, i believe in you babe, break up with him!!