Your average “I don’t believe in love anymore” post, but I’d really just like some help. I’ve been feeling so much dread and I hope this post can be seen as an attempt to ask for help. Therapy OTW
So I’ve recently come out of a very toxic long distance relationship (Both sides). And throughout it I realised that some of the pain and I guess trauma e.g. my fear of her leaving if I was upset would mean I wouldn’t state my needs. Not perfect though, I still was resentful and blew up eventually a lot.
I feel a lot of shame but I also feel wronged and I would go back hoping to get some closure and I feel like I’ve tried. She would be upset when she’d be distant with me but I told her that if we couldn’t speak about it I wouldn’t feel comfortable, that I would just be doing it for her. And she’d get mad at me when I was with her and kind of mute.
I’m not going to lie I feel like relationships are just something that doesn’t exist for me, I’m very clingy in person and like talking about topics and interests, whereas people want someone to talk about their day (I don’t know actually if it was just because she wasn’t the one). I feel very prone to shame like when I’ve done something wrong (I have a bunch of mental health issues).
I grew up heavily isolated, like even boarding school so I was away from people “close to me”, plus a lot of them treated me like shit. And while I loved having friends I like my own company. It seems like what I gather from the internet everyone has this “if they don’t do this they don’t care” and I’ll be honest if I haven’t been a victim of the rage bait. I’m just at a point where I don’t believe there’s anyone out there for me, because i’m not good enough. That I don’t like what normal couples do. I spoke to my brother one time about an argument we had, and he told me “that’s what being a man is you just have to deal with it”. That didn’t sit right with me, I don’t want to accept whatever that bs meaning is. But I’m not interested in being a personal journal for someone (i’m bi btw i’m not targeting anyone) let alone I was quite bad mental health issues and the whole rhetoric of “don’t use someone as ur therapist” means that Idk I think I should take a step back but I’m feeling a lot of dread and confusion. It’s like for most of our times together when I actually did try she’d have her mood swings then expect me to want to do hobbies while she was js there, I’d ask what’s wrong but she wanted to feel how she felt and sure that’s fine but it affected me. So often she’d be sick and I’d tell her to get medication and she’d be mad at me for forcing her saying “she isn’t doing enough”. I feel so much unresolved stuff but I also feel shame like I fucked up etc. I could’ve done better 24/7 in my head.
To be honest I don’t even feel like I deserve what I want and when your used to being under the supervision of someone you hate cause you know they treated you like shit, I realise I’m unintentionally putting myself and others in positions like that. Even if she was toxic too, she wanted love and seriously fuck her to the skies, but she deserves to be with someone who actually will fully love her.
TLDR: after the end of a toxic relationship I’m struggling to believe if there’s anyone really out there for me.