I(25f) feel like a roommate to my bf (29m) of 5 years. I’ve tried talking to him about this but he says it’s normal and that my idea of love is like a movie. It’s just that we don’t do anything romantic. He doesn’t like cuddling, so we don’t do that. We don’t go on dates. When we go out to eat, it’s us splitting the bill which is fine most of the time but it would be nice to feel special every once in a while. When I say things like this he says I’m trying to get him to waste money. When I suggest fun dates, like going swimming, which would be free, he’s too tired. I know he loves me. But this isn’t something he’s willing to work on or even hear me out on as he says it’s normal. Maybe he is right though and I’d get this way with anyone for this long. Our sex life is alright. We have sex about twice a week.
I honestly don’t feel a spark with him anymore though because of feeling like a roommate despite him saying it’s normal. What would you do?
18 comments
The lack of effort from your partner is concerning but then again that’s just how he may be. If you feel that you’re being treated more as a roommate than as a lover/partner then I think you already made up your mind on the situation. I personally wouldn’t enjoy staying in a relationship like yours especially after you’ve already voiced your concerns to him which only led to him dismissing them.
Sorry to hear op but good luck to you.
This is very normal, but that doesn’t make it ideal!
Read *Mating in Captivity* by Esther Perel, and check out her amazing podcast on relationships *Where Should we Begin?*
She has amazing insight and advice
Have you offered to pay the whole bill so he can feel special?do you take him out on dates?maybe he’s thinking the exact same thing you are “is she my girlfriend or my roommate?”
>What would you do?
to be honest and as a guy where i am, rentals are too damn expensive now. i will stick with my roomate especially if it came with benefits.
Love/relationships are like a plant, you always need to water it. You have to always act like you are dating and keep the spark alive. You shouldn’t just let it run it’s course. You are five years in, imagine if you are married with kids? A relationship is always something that you have to be willing to do different things and fall in love over and over; that will make the love continue to grow. Doing fun activities is also something that is just different and experiencing that together makes it exciting, even if it’s just a hike, or a long drive, a trip, etc. you have to keep exploring together. Love needs attention to grow. Good luck.
Went through the same thing with my boyfriend. Tried talking about it and also got dismissed, then one day I told him “either we both start working on the relationship or we can go ahead and call it. I’m not spending another weekend feeling like a stranger in my own house”.
The day after the effort started again and now we’re good again. I don’t know if telling him it’s the last chance will help, but you can try.
I divorced my husband after 6 years for this exact reason. I told him that it felt as if he had lost interest in me at all and we just acted as roommates. All intimacy was gone, we didn’t go on dates, etc. I don’t regret my decision. Find someone who chooses you, someone who pursues you, and who respects your needs. Don’t settle for less, because in the end it will make you unhappy.
Y’all want something different and it’s okay … you’re growing apart. It’s ok to walk away from a relationship where your needs aren’t being met. Look up “love languages.” You’re never going to be fulfilled with someone that has a different love language than you and that’s OK!
But how is he besides the lack of romance? Does he contribute equally to chores, groceries and such? Does he do laundry, and pay bills? Is he a respectful talker and sex is still nice? If yes, i would stay with him, girl. Because the spark goes away with most guys and most guys, after the roommate phase started will treat you like a liv-in maid they can fuck.. occasionally and without putting effort.
It’s normal to some extent in that both parties can get complacent and things get stale, however, if you both don’t put the work in to reignite that spark then your relationship is doomed. I suggest really being honest with him and just tell him that you’re not happy and something needs to change and that if it doesn’t then you’re gone. There’s only so much staleness that you’ll be able to take before you completely detach and leave him, and that’s when he’ll come crying back saying he’ll change etc.. hopefully he’ll open his eyes before it’s too late and you guys can work through it. You deserve to be happy. Best of luck.
So there is no perfectly “normal” in relationships. You are telling him that you do need certain things- special dates (free or not), to feel “special”, and to see that he is putting time and thought in to things. That’s just as normal as settling in to a comfortable relationship where you stop wearing makeup and start wearing sweatpants.
The only truly normal thing about relationships is that the ones that survive the highs and lows are the ones that talk about their issues AND compromise. He doesn’t get to decide that what he wants is “normal” and what you want is a waste. I want free swimming dates! I want to treat my man to a nice surprise dinner, and I want to be surprised with things and treated sometimes too!
You say he loves you, and I’m sure that is true, but if he can’t muster up a special moment a month when you say you need it, then he is showing that he puts his own absolute comfort over the smallest of efforts to make you happy.
He can say it is normal all he wants, and you know what, he is right! Lots of relationships lose the spark in this same exact, “normal” way, when one partner stops trying and doesn’t care about keeping the spark alive. If the spark is gone, you should be too.
This is exactly how my last relationship of 4 years went down. He ended up cheating on me and getting the girl pregnant anyways and that was the only way I was finally able to let go. Sometimes we just grow apart. It’s better to end things amicably then let it get to a place of resentment. You deserve dates and cuddles and all those little things. If he can’t provide that anymore then it’s okay to let go, but only you know how much longer you’re willing to wait. Good luck.
to tell him you are unhappy in there relationship while still having sex with them twice a week sends a mixed signal. Actions speak louder than words.
It’s not normal. Is he autistic? Sounds like my autistic ex.
Because he thought he required very little emotional maintenance, it never even occurred to him that he should be making an effort with me. HE didn’t want to go out to dinner for special occasions, HE thought spending money on a night out was a waste, HE didn’t want to go on vacation even though he had PTO.
Basically, the entire relationship was about HIM. I see that in this post. You want to go swimming, but he doesn’t, so you don’t go swimming. You want to go out, but he doesn’t, so you don’t go out.
He is CONTROLLING you without even making an effort. It’s not abuse because it’s not intentional, but in the end the results are much the same. You feel like maybe you DON’T deserve a date night, you don’t deserve romance, you don’t deserve an attentive partner.
If he is autistic, I doubt he’s going to change. If he’s not, you need couple’s therapy.
And in my opinion, if he needs a therapist to tell him that you’re unhappy, you might as well end this relationship now.
Pretty soon your gonna be posting on r/deadbedrooms
So you still have sex because that’s something that he wants to do, but every other activity that would have value for your emotional relationship is something that he doesn’t care about.
It sounds like you are continuing to try and make this relationship work, but he doesn’t care to. I think you need to take the message he’s giving you and move on
He’s comfortable.
You’re not.
There’s probably an easy compromise somewhere in the middle, but honestly it doesn’t sound like he’s interested.
Go out with yourself or with a friend since he wants to be boring