Warning, this may get long but Im going to try and just hit the major points to avoid writing a novel. I don’t know if I want advice so much as just to vent and maybe let others in this position know they aren’t alone. I don’t have the answers to my problem, maybe one of you will have some words for me that will help me think logically verses emotionally and see what I need to do going forward. Also, as of right now, divorce is NOT something I’m interested in although it’s a very big possibility in the future and I am well aware of that.
My (39m) husband and I (34f) are in a sexless marriage. When I say sexless, not a few times a year. I literally can count on 1 hand the amount of times we have been intimate since 2019.
We began dating in early 2018, everything was great! We both had been previously married, I was divorced for close to 6 years prior to us meeting, however he was recently divorced and I was nervous about being his “rebound”. But we hit it off and fell in love fairly easily and quickly, and things just went from there. Our sex life was what I would consider normal. He was very attracted to me, showed me physical affection and intimacy outside of actual sex, and made me feel safe and secure. (I have a history of a very abusive relationship so my guard was up). My only complaint was that he was not as adventurous as I was in the bedroom (never told him this, as I felt it was something we would navigate and learn together over time). I know my sex drive is higher than most women’s, and I really enjoy sex. I enjoy “making love” and then the more x rated stuff as well. I feel like it shouldn’t be taboo and that it should be something fun that you share with your person and connect with in ways you just can’t and don’t with other people. I have never had to beg for sex or feel like I wasn’t wanted, even in my abusive relationship, i was always physically wanted and desired.
I genuinely felt like he was my soul mate and he was/is amazing with my kids and family. Those things have not not changed. Here’s where the problems started. I moved in with him in 2019. Left my support system and the town I grew up in, for this relationship. Almost instantly he stopped being intimate with me. Not just sex, any form of physical touch or desire was just GONE. This went on for a few months before I brought it up with him. My first thought were that something was wrong with me, that I’m ugly, I’m fat, he dosent love me, he regrets me moving there. Any bad thought and blame about it I put 100% on myself. I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t want me. He was open to conversation and apologized saying he wasn’t sure what was wrong with him etc. I stopped bringing up marriage or children. Our future plans that we both talked about, I stopped being excited for. I figured our relationship would end because he didn’t love me. He assured me he did. We got engaged the beginning of 2020. I told him flat out, that this was a deal breaker for me and he promised things would change. (Don’t they always say that and aren’t we always stupid for believing it). Plus we both agreed we wanted a child together and I feel like he has taken that choice from me. Now I’m too old and have kids too old for me to have a baby, and even if we divorced, by the time I found anyone else (if I even wanted to) that the option to have a baby is gone. Forever. I literally have grieved for the child we will never have and it’s a very emotional subject for me.
By this time, I’m angry, hurt, resentful, depressed, having panic attacks. All of it. I regret not leaving. But when I say he’s a good man, he is. He is a hard worker, he loves my kids like his own, he helps around the house…basically without this problem we really wouldn’t have anything to be unhappy about. Long story short, I loved him and believed him. Nothing changed. Fast forward to 2024. I’m severely depressed, I’m unhappy and have to put on a show to everyone around me. This is killing me. We went to marriage counseling and it basically didn’t help. I am so resentful towards him and I don’t even recognize who I am anymore. I don’t remember what it was like to not fake being happy or having a happy relationship with him. He did go get his testosterone levels checked and they were severely low. He got on biote, it helped him feel better but he never went back for his next dose which was really frustrating and showed a lack of care or initiativeon his part to try and fix this. Its like he dosent care how much this is affecting me mentally. And honestly, the biote didn’t make him want me. We had sex once during the 6 months after he received it and then he never tried again. I stopped even attempting or trying to initiate anything sexual with him about 3 years ago because it hurts and is embarrassing being rejected so I just stopped all together.
I am so sexually frustrated. I have needs, and I want my husband to want to fufull them, not a toy or another man. I would also love to make my husband feel good. I enjoy making my partner feel good and knowing they are turned on by me. But again, it’s more than sex. I can’t even remember the last time we made out, he touched my boobs or butt, the last time he kissed me anywhere but my mouth. Or even a back rub without asking for one. You get the idea. We are literal roommates. And it’s killing me. He is perfectly happy as long as I don’t bring it up. Then he just gets mad and it turns into a fight. I don’t know why he hasn’t left me yet. Honestly. I’m not staying because it’s the easy thing to do but now we have bought a home, and I have everything to lose if it dosent work. Ive started over before but it wasnt fun. I can’t afford to live and support my kids on my own with my career. I’d have to move back in with my parents. And I don’t want to leave him, I want this fixed but I honestly have no clue what else I can do. He hates me even if he won’t admit it.
I know it’s easy to say this, BUT he is not cheating on me. I know this for 100% fact. That would honestly be an easier answer to my question of why so not that I’ve hoped for it, but it would be an answer.
Advice besides divorce? Maybe I’m stupid for thinking there are other solutions but I’m open to suggestions.