I (just turned 33) had the most terrible year in 2023 in just about all aspects of my life and ended up moving to a different country and different city.
Since I’ve always had issues with getting attached easily and then getting depressed when things don’t workout, I decided in this new city I was just going to spend time alone and just be for a while… no apps no nothing but also because people told me it’s terrible to date here and I decided to listen.
I moved beginning of September and then in December I was invited to a NYE party by a lady I had just met who knew I didn’t have many friends because I had just moved.
I was hesitant to go because I only knew her and she was the host but decided to go. Party was mostly quiet as everyone is in their 40s and 50s and around midnight in walks a new but louder group. One of guys, let’s call him M (40), walks to me and introduces himself, writes my name on his notes and makes a promise to remember it.
Everyone heads to the rooftop, we watch fireworks but I’m standing in a corner as everyone is hugging and kissing and doing all the couple stuff. M shouts for me, finds me and gives me a hug. We go downstairs and sit facing each other just talking, around 4 am I decide it’s time for me to head home. He takes my phone saves his number with his name and what we talked about… one very long funny sentence and says we should grab coffee sometime.
Next day, I wake up looking at the picture from the night and I stare at his number wondering if I should text or not but end up texting. He replies and tells me he’s going on a ski trip and would be back on the 13th and would text me then to hangout.
13 comes and goes and I hear nothing from him since the last message. I decide to delete his number and keep it moving. Then toward the end of Jan he finally texts and tells me he’s been busy and would love to grab coffee. At this point I’m annoyed and decide not to respond.
Two weeks later I meet with the friend who was the host of the party, I ask her what she thinks of him. She says “He’s an amazing guy, if anything I’m sure you’d be good friends BUT he has a girlfriend although I don’t know what’s going on with that”
I don’t know why but I decide to text him and he doesn’t reply and then two days later I joking ask if he’s mad that I didn’t reply to his text for two weeks and he replies and says he’d been busy with work but he wasn’t mad. We start planning our “meetup”
1st of March he comes to pick me up and we end hanging out from 3pm to 3 am in the morning.
During this time, we end up at his apartment so he can drop his car and wear warmer clothes as we are head to the bar. He then opens up about having a gf (38). Tells me they have been on a break since October due to her mental wellbeing and her refusal to get help. He then goes on to tell me he doesn’t know at what stage their relationship is but the plan is to get a therapist for her and a mediator as they can’t talk to each other without her screaming at him and then decide what to do from then on. Because our meet up wasn’t characterised as a date, I decided to just go with it.
We’ve met up at least once a week since , sometimes planned and sometimes spontaneous. I met all of his friends, there were moments of physical touch but nothing intimate, no kissing or nothing but sometimes we would just stand while holding each other when waiting for a cab or just standing. Because he is tall, he likes having his arm around my neck and resting chin on my head.
We gave each other stupid nicknames that only we would understand. He would pick me up and if we used public transportation he would get a cab to drop me off first then drop him after so he knows I am safe. He does cheesy things like walking behind me when I walk up the stairs and in front of me when I walk down and says if I fall at least I will fall on him.He opens doors. He calls instead of texting if I am upset about something in relation to him. Sometimes he calls just because. He wants kids, wants marriage and is a self-established man. He gets my Humor and I get his but we also can talk about deep stuff that I don’t get to open up about. I don’t get anxious when he doesn’t text, in fact I trust this man so much more than any man I’ve ever been close to and yes I caught feelings with all that cheese.
At this point you’re probably screaming girl… he has a gf. Well we kept hanging out without ever talking about his gf and two weeks ago I realized I had caught feelings because I missed him so much but could not tell him this, it felt weird. So I decided to leave my phone behind while on a trip for two days. I came back home and found text for him asking if I was ignoring him. I texted him immediately that I needed to breathe cause I was in my feelings. He said he was in his feelings too cause he is used to speaking to me everyday , at this point I had told his friend the host that I was confused about what is going on cause we hangout and have never said our hangouts are dates but I know he likes me and I like him too but he is taken. The friend told another one of their friends that she was now worried that he would hurt me.
He found this out and wasn’t happy that she didn’t speak to him about it. So then finally this past weekend we had dinner and spoke about what’s going on. Currently he and his now ex have ended their relationship. She moved her things out yesterday but he still have to make sure she’s okay financially as he was response for most of her finances and they have been together for four years. He also needs to assist in her finding a place to stay which might take months in this overcrowded city.
He did say he really likes me too but most importantly he respects and values me enough that he wouldn’t want to date me right now. He needs time to heal and be on his own for a while especially since he still has to deal with ex for few months.
I am 100% behind this decision because when I realised that I like him, I also realized that he might not be in the right space to enter into a serious relationship which is something I want and it’s not fair to expect that of him.
So while we will still spend time with each other, I will also be dating other people and him
Too possibly.
Guess what I’m trying to say is, has anyone ever been in a similar situation and can share how it turned out?