Hi, I’m new here but I need some help and I don’t really have anyone in my personal life I feel comfortable talking about this too.
I (38F) have been married to my husband for 13 years, we have two kids and I can truly say he is the love of my life. I am fully satisfied emotionally and physically.
Which is why what happened to me recently has shaken me so much. A new guy, good looking, fit,cocky, started at my law firm not long ago. And it didn’t take long for him to begin flirting with me. It was tame in the beginning, nothing I haven’t gotten before, so I let it go. And if I’m being honest it made me feel good to be desired by an attractive man. Even though I am married to a very attractive man.
But over time the flirting turned from tame to rather forward and I began to feel uncomfortable but I didn’t stop it. I just didn’t engage anymore. When he made a comment I just changed the subject.
Then one night I was working late and he came by my office and asked if I wanted to go for a drink. I declined, said I had to finish and get home. Then he told me that anything we did would just be between us. Nobody would have to know.
But rather than being disgusted by this I froze and for a brief moment considered it. I wasn’t concerned with catching feelings for this guy so I thought I could go back to his apartment, have very dirty sex and take it to the grave. Then I snapped out of it and thought of how I would ever be able to look my husband in the face again. I became disgusted with myself. So I told him that if he ever talked to me about anything other than work again I’m going to HR.
I went home and told my husband. He wasn’t too upset over it. I was honest that I didn’t stop the flirting when I should have, that I liked it and that I considered his proposition for a brief moment. But he still wasn’t that upset with me. He wasn’t happy with me but appreciated my honesty. Now as for my co-worker, that’s a different story. I had to stop him from confronting him. In the end I gave my two weeks notice and I am interviewing with new firms now.
My husband said it wasn’t cheating but it was something. Does anyone consider brief thoughts that go on in your mind cheating? What about flirting? Does anyone think I need to see a therapist? I love my husband and I am still very attracted to him. How did I let my mind go there?
TLDR: I briefly entertained the thought of cheating on my husband with an attractive co-worker
36 comments
Having integrity doesn’t mean never being tempted. It means doing the right thing in spite of temptation, which is what you did. Most cheating is the result of an appeal to ego at some level. We can all be vulnerable to compliments and flattery. What matters is what you do, not the thoughts that enter your head. It’s no different to being attracted to other people when you’re in a committed relationship. That happens and it’s normal. To expect otherwise would be naive. Being faithful is a decision, not an absence of the ability to be tempted. The way I see it, you did everything right. Yes, it will prompt some questions from your partner as to why you might have considered the proposal even for a split second, but what matters most is the choice that you made. Hopefully he sees that.
I think what you had was normal feelings of attraction. Yes, you probably should not have flirted, but it was great that you didn’t go for drinks with him. Your husband knows that you are faithful.
Maybe you are lacking something that your husband isn’t giving you, or maybe you just missed the feeling of flirting, whatever it was, you did the important thing: thinking in the person you supposedly love and that has made so many things for you. I think that you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself.
But maybe it would be wise looking for the root of these feelings that you may be reprising.
Your just fine. Everyone enjoys being flattered. But when it reached your moral limit you shout it down. And didn’t cross the line. Good for you
> My husband said it wasn’t cheating but it was something. Does anyone consider brief thoughts that go on in your mind cheating? What about flirting? Does anyone think I need to see a therapist? I love my husband and I am still very attracted to him. How did I let my mind go there?
Congratulations, you’re human.
While the flirting could count as cheating to many, what goes through our minds in regards to sex and sexuality, can be quite complex. Lots of people in happy relationships have similar thoughts, and just like you, snap out of it, and return to normal life. Nothing wrong with it. It’s those who *do* act on it, where it then becomes a problem.
It’s good you were honest and open with your husband about what happened. Communication is key.
Just my take.
Having fantasies or finding someone attractive is normal Two thumbs up to you though for being open and honest with your husband and communicating about it!
Anyone can cheat if given the opportunity.. some don’t even consider it and decline it and some don’t
You could’ve easily cheated but didn’t. Give yourself some grace. You were tempted multiple times & still stuck to your guns. Do you know how many people can’t do that?? You did good.
people literally have intrusive thoughts about pushing strangers into trains or jumping out of moving cars and that’s normal, i don’t think you need therapy bc you had completely normal human impulses that you didn’t even act on
Ask yourself why you needed that ego boost.
If everything else is ok, then be happy that you made the right decision.
I don’t flirt when I am in a relationship. But for some people it’s ok.
You passed the test. You have integrity and didn’t ruin your marriage, sincere congratulations are in order and your husband did well by marrying someone of your character.
It’s not cheating in any sense. It’s also not good policy to indulge a fantasy like that. You did the right thing in discussing with your partner, and again in changing jobs. Congrats.
Has the thought ever crossed your mind before with anyone else? In general when was the last time someone flirted with you heavy?
It sounds like you handled it in a fairly good way. Maybe you should have shut the flirting down sooner, but based on your description, you made the right decisions when it really mattered. You can’t help what you think, but you are in control of your decisions and you seem to have made the right ones.
Your honest to god a good person for reliably telling your husband exactly what happened
Some people love drama, the external validation.
Some don’t.
Hence they cross those little lines playing with them.
The solution is to always recall the loved ones and what you will lose. But yet some fail.
Mostly the reason is the lack of passion and communication.
But since none of it was there in your case.
You may have felt the void . The self sabotaging phenomenon, to just end it, to jump off a cliff, to touch a driller, or live wire.
You love the external validation and you played the ‘ let’s see how far I can go’ game.
Monogamy isn’t about turning off all natural feelings and temptations when it comes to anyone except your partner. It’s more that when those feelings and temptations arise, you resist and don’t act on them. This is what you did, you are fine.
Yes.the flirting back was emotional cheating.
But on a positive note you did the right thing. You took the Temptation Away by seeking a new job. You did the mature responsible thing. Now that you know what this path looks like I mean the path to infidelity you know what it looks like now and you know how to nip it in the bud.
> But he still wasn’t that upset with me.
He was very upset with you but didn’t let you see it. You broke your marriage and haven’t figured it out yet. You’ll be back sooner or later acting all surprised about the divorce.
This escalating to you giving two weeks notice doesn’t seem believable at all.
Good for you. Excellent handling of a difficult situation.
I can’t think of anyone who doesn’t consider the possibilities. It is normal. The important thing is that you did not act on it.
These few seconds of integrity right here is the difference between a slightly akward conversation with your spouse, followed by years of happy mairrage.
Vs
Deep betrayal, regret, divorce, potentially losing the respect of your kids, financial troubles ,tarnished reputation, and destruction of ones family.
Cheating is the result of a series of decisions. You made bad ones until the final decision. Recognize those decisions next time.
Report him to HR and starting talking to a therapist and figure out what lead you to start thinking/feeling these things. Everything might seem great in your current relationship but there’s probably some sort of issue with it or yourself that lead to this. Why did you entertain the compliments and flirting at the start? Sure, both of those things feel great especially if it’s new or fun or exciting. But your in a relationship with someone who you say you love and everything is great, so why entertain this from him? Do you need some more fun and excitement in your current relationship? Are there insecurities on your end as your getting older to where your not feeling as attractive as you used to? Does your husband not compliment you enough or do things to make you feel like he desires you?
You’re recognizing there’s an issue which is great. Next steps are to shut down the douchebag at work who is actively trying to get a co-worker to cheat with them and figure out the root cause of why you had those feelings.
Your husband deserves someone who won’t even consider it
>I can truly say he is the love of my life. I am fully satisfied emotionally and physically.
#Doubt
>But rather than being disgusted by this I froze and for a brief moment considered it.
If your husband is “the love of your life” as you “say”, you would never have considered it even for a brief moment.
It’s good that you didn’t physically cheat, but you were playing with fire. The fact that your relationship had evolved to the point where your coworker was comfortable enough to make the ask is problematic.
A version of that guy will likely be at your next workplace. What happens then?
In the end well done, but recognize that you made 90% of the mistakes cheaters make. All the stuff you are talking about are forms of betrayal you’d recognize in him, even without a payoff.
I feel like you told your husband because you wanted to release your guilt. But in turn, you hurt the “love of your life” and created a thought pattern for him of untrust. Was the confession of your momentarily thoughts worth it?
You were “almost persuaded” as the song goes. But you didn’t, and you didn’t even drive down the road to see where it lead by going for drinks or whatever. You did fine.
Sounds like you are human and have integrity
Congrats on the bare minimum.
Overall you handled/are handling the situation well. While it’s normal to be attracted to other people regardless of relationship or marital status, it’s when you act on that attraction that becomes problematic if in fact you are in a committed relationship or married. As I see it your only mistake was not putting a stop to your co-worker’s advances sooner, as in the first time it happened. “Enjoying the attention” is not an excuse for tolerating another’s flirtations when you’re married or in a committed relationship.
FWIW you should report him to HR, but other than that I think you handled well! I think it is, KIIIIINDA grey area mean you should’ve shut it down immediately… but hey we’re all human and make mistakes
This is the most normal thing ever. You did nothing wrong, you went above and beyond by quitting your job too. Honestly you have nothing to lose sleep over, you seem to be a good person. Now you know your own boundaries and can act accordingly if anyone else bothers you in the future.