Hi all,
I feel like im spiralling and would really appreciate some support and advice. I know I’ve done stupid things but please be kind on me. I’m not in the best place at the moment.
My story is a long one but I’ll try to abridge it.
I have been married for 5 years and my husband I have a 5 year old together.
The marriage has been an unhappy one for over 4 years fraught with persistent emotional, verbal and psychological abuse which has escalated to occasional incidents of physical abuse, most recently three weeks ago when he slapped across my face.
A year and a half ago he lifted me from the ground by my neck, held me in a chokehold and eventually released me by flinging me to the ground when my son’s babysitter had to physically wrestle with him. Before this he attacked me in my bedroom hitting and smacking my face.
The bouts of physical violence are rare (only 4-5 times in 5 years of marriage), but the verbal and emotional abuse is chronic. He doesn’t accept any responsibility for his actions and says I bring out the worst in him. When he gets upset he tells me doesn’t love me and will never love me again. He is so cold and harbours so much bitterness and hatred towards me. He constantly sees me in competition with him.
Over the past 5 years we have had sex 5 times. I have lost any interest in sex with him due to the emotional pain and I don’t think he is bothered. Haven’t had sex in over a year.
We also now sleep in separate rooms and have done so for the past 2 amd a half years. We live as room mates.
I presume he is likely having sex with other women because he keeps very late nights and is out every weekend till 7am in the morning. On occasion, he has returned home at 12 pm (nobody knew where he was as he turned off his phone).
I can’t see myself doing this for the rest of my life. Don’t I deserve to be happy? I haven’t left because of our young son and financial limitations. It costs a lot to rent in the area where we live. Think NYC prices.
A few weeks ago he suggested a separation but his mum seemingly talked him out of it. This was after she told him to kick me out of the house because I chose to treat myself to a solo vacation. My first in years. His mother yelled at me and said I was disrespecting her son by travelling and told him to send me packing if I did go ahead with the trip. A few minutes later, on the back of his mother’s comments he slapped me.
Till date, he has never issued an apology for any of the times he’s hit me as he insists I provoked him into doing do.
I would like to state that inspite of everything i have described, he is not a bad person and actually has many great attributes. My son adores him as he is a great and devoted father.
He is simply a person with an explosive temper and deep rooted anger issues.
In Jan 2022, I struck a friendship with someone. It developed into a romance only a few weeks (I am not proud of this as I know I’m functionally but not legally separated).
The man I met has been very supportive but says he is not comfortable with the situation and wants me to get a more defined break from my husband. I have expressed my desire to move on from the marriage. But he’s said that he doesn’t feel happy seeing me in secret and asked about my intended timelines for doing so. I didn’t have an answer to this. He doesn’t have any kids of his own and wants to eventually start a family of his own as he is 42 years old.
It doesn’t have to be an immediate divorce he said but but just something that provides a path to pursue something meaningful without fear or threat of my husband. He also acknowledged that there is always a chance of reconciliation with married couples and wouldn’t want to get caught up in that.
He wants clear lines and boundaries.
QUESTIONS:
1. On my marriage generally I’m feeling overwhelmed and sad. Feel trapped, stuck and powerless, combined with confusion and fear. I have felt this way for the past 3 years. I cannot move out at the moment cos I really don’t want to hurt my son. I would scarifice my life for him. So it feels like I’m just coasting and have resigned myself to a lifetime of lovelesness. I’m also scared of leaving my husband (despite the unhappiness), for fear of the unknown.
2. I’m trying to see if there is anyway we can separate legally but keep up the same living arrangements for the sake of our son. If there is a way to remain committed and respectful coparents.
3. With respect to this man I met, I have no guarantes regarding any outcomes but it would be nice to see where things go. I assume he is being sincere and really is keen to take things further if the coast is clear from my end. Or perhaps he is just a commitment phobe giving excuses?
4. Finally can abusers change? My husband has no interest in going for therapy and has mocked me in the past for seeking professional help for my anxiety and depressive moods ( a lot of it attributable to the state of my marriage).
Does this marriage stand a chance? At what point do you give up and walk away from a marriage? How much longer do you continue to fight for a marriage?
I just got back from my trip and he is behaving so cold. The emotional turmoil is too much. I’ve gotten so used to this treatment and now it’s reached the point where I’m realising that this is no way to live.
Thank you so much if you’ve made it this far. Any words of advice are welcome.
5 comments
Your marriage is done. Accept it. No one should live in fear of physical violence. I’m from the USA and it sounds like you are not (the word “mum”). In the US, there are a number of temporary shelters available for wives/mothers who are victims of abuse. Also, there are low cost or free volunteer legal services. Finally, there are orders-of-protection available (although of limited value). Find out, perhaps through social media, what might be available to you. You are not the first woman to walk this path. You don’t say if you have a job/career and any way of supporting yourself and that’s important. As far as your son, raising him where the tension is palpable is far more damaging to him than to get him out of this situation.
You need to get out of this marriage and away from this man. Not only is he physically and emotionally abusive but he’s choked you. Choking is a huge red flag. Most DV victims who are killed by their abusers are killed by strangulation (cutting off your oxygen and blood flow to your brain). As for your child, he’s at high risk for mental health issues if he’s raised in a household with DV. There’s nothing good about remaining where you are. Also, be aware that leaving puts you at a higher risk of being killed by your abuser. Get your documents together, put an escape plan together, and don’t tell him that you’re leaving or where you’re going. Just about every country has a domestic violence hotline or information line.
You are being abused physically. You need out, make a plan, and try and move out as quickly as possible. You need to hire an attorney and let them know about the abuse, this way it is documented prior to leaving.
Second, yes you absolutely deserve happiness, they, his family, are absolutely abusing you physically and mentally. You will never know what happiness is, without walking away.
Third this other guy, walk away. You are looking for a safe place to land vs starting a relationship without working on yourself first. You have to do this, plus he is pushing you, so you need to stop with him, block him, and move on. Again, it will not work, you are in a fog, and need to think clearly and you will not with him in your other ear.
4th, you can’t seek a good foundation and separate without the abuse to continue. You need full separation. Living in your own. Your child will get used to it and it is better he does not grow up believing this type of abuse is ok.
Abusers do not change, they restrict their actions. I have never hit a woman, never hurt one. So, possibly his mother was abused by his father.
You need to get yourself and son out of there as soon as possible. I had chills as I read your word as about being choked and thrown around. For Your safety, please get out of there!
My own feelings are that any time a man physically assaults a woman, it is over. Don’t allow him to continue to abuse you, you deserve and are worthy of a healthy, loving relationship. God bless.
Sounds like the apple that being ur abusive husband doesn’t fall far from the tree of ur mother in law