I (39m) and my wife (36f) have been married for 6 years and together for a number of years before that in which we did break up for about 1 year before reconciling. We have 2 boys (8 & 14) and are going through a very rough patch in our marriage right now.
The problems started over the last few years of COVID in which she was not working but was at home to support our kids through the pandemic and with the at-home schooling. Unfortunately at this time as well my wife was hit with an illness that affected her gallbladder and liver in which she needed surgery to remove the gallbladder. During the time of her illness she was also battling with depression and isolation from being in the house all the time with no car (we live in a smaller rural town). I was supportive to a certain degree but I did not take her illness and the seriousness of it to heart. I honestly thought that this was going to be a simple gallbladder removal like my mother and sister had and life would go on after recovery. I will admit that during this time I was battling my own mental health quite a bit and I know that I was not as emotionally supportive or empathetic as I needed to be as her husband while she was faced with the double challenge of her mental and physical health.
This resulted in my wife feeling disconnected and distant from me which she harboured for the last couple of years in which she has “felt like a prop. I will state that I was not totally emotionally neglectful at this time in our lives, I was helping out, making sure we had time for each other and assisting her wherever I could with either her physical or mental health but I don’t think I was doing it in the right way. Things did get better for her when she found a new job just about a year ago. She was happy again. We were spending quality time together and things seemed great.
Fast forward to this past November when everything really came to a head. I had made the mistake of hiding some drug use from her at a party that I was at during that time. We have a past history of drug use and smoke pot frequently so the issue wasn’t the drug us as much as it was the fact I hid it from her. We talked about it and I decided that I would provide her with a proper apology. I did apologise when we first talked about it but did state that I wanted to give her more of an apology later on. The issue here was that I waited far too long to do this. Christmas and the holiday seasons rolled in and kept us very busy with the kids and family but by the time I got around to apologising it seemed a bit too late.
Now, this past February we spoke about everything and she said that she wasn’t sure she wanted to be in our marriage anymore. This really took me back as I know that we had issues but I was not expecting separation or divorce. Since November I have been making sure that I have time for her so we can spend quality time together and I have really been working on myself to make the changes that she needs for this marriage to work. She has mentioned that she has seen the changes and efforts that I have put in but she still isn’t sure if she can commit to working on our marriage as she is afraid of getting hurt again. I can understand her fear and where she is coming from and I have been doing my best each day to show her how I have changed and have been pretty open about what I am working on. We have chats once a week about our relationship and what is going on between us so we can open up communication between each other but most of the time it feels like I am just talking to her although she has started to open up over the last couple of weeks.
To add to this she also has a male friend at work whom she occasionally does hang out with outside of work. I do trust her and for the most part this isn’t as big of a concern to me as working on our issues are. This past week she did reveal to me that she did have some feelings for this friend but she thinks they are unreciprocated feelings and he isn’t aware of how she feels. When they started hanging out he clarified with my wife that this was to just be friends as he is also in a long term relationship. For the most part they hang out and smoke pot while his partner is around then she comes home. The attraction that she started to have towards him she admitted was because it just felt nice to have someone paying attention to her again and she was not seeking this out. I told her I understood that but it did make me very uneasy.
Our day to day interactions are still great but there is some tension in the household. We have been sleeping in separate rooms since March but we do share our bed once a week. When we talk I am attentive and listen to all of her stories and am actually invested in them. Something I knew I had the habit of not doing over the last couple years. She will still speak about plans for the future, what we want to do with the house, plans with the kids for the summer, things we can do together and the possibility of getting a new cat. This is the start of some of my confusion about our marriage but each time we talk about working it out she still isn’t sure on committing to fixing our issues.
This past weekend was what caused me to make this post as I had to get these thoughts out even to internet strangers. We were celebrating my sister’s birthday at my moms house and my wife, sister and I decided to have some drinks to celebrate the occasion. During this time she spoke to my family extensively about how we would be able to help out more in planning or hosting family events as my mom and step-father are getting a bit older, she was asking my step-dad about his recent health struggles and genuinely having a good time with my family. Then after a few more drinks we get home and have sex for the first time since November. We were intoxicated but consent was still there from both of us. The only odd thing was that while we were well into the act she asked me “this is just sex, right?”
So here I am today dumping all of these thoughts out as I am very confused. My wife says that she is not ready to work on fixing our marriage but her actions seem to not match her feelings leaving me very confused.
I do not think that she has done the research into what actually goes into a divorce so the gravity of her possible decisions may not have crossed her mind. We would have to sell our house and move into apartments as I do not think either one of us would be able to keep our current home independently, move the kids to new schools and likely live in the same house during our separation period. Financially it would be a struggle for both of us if we were to separate.
I have also told her that I think counselling needs to be taken by both of us before a decision on whether or not to stay together is formally made. She said that this is something that she would consider doing furthering my confusion about our situation.
I spoke to one of my friends about this situation recently as I knew he had gone through something very similar and he said the only thing that saved everything was counseling so I have decided to bring it up again soon. For now, my plan is to keep showing her through my actions how I am working on being a more attentive, caring partner, communicating better, and setting boundaries in our marriage and hope that this sways her.