Clarification: she ‘18F’ was friends with him ‘M23’ before the hooked up, they were childhood friends. They both were after a breakup, each one from a serious teen relationship, and then they hooked up twice(no relationship or anything). After that never spoke of it and remained friends(using a bit loosely here as they don’t hangout out very often once a month would be the max) Another factor that bothers me is the age gap, she was 16 and he was 22, it was consensual as she said to me but still isn’t right. As we have talked about it she acknowledges it was a mistake and the breakup was mostly the reason. However she tells me and, I believe her, that there is no feelings from her side and no matter what happened they were friends before. She is not asking to hangout out with him all the time or something, and never asked to hang out with him alone, always with other mutual friends.
To sum up, I do believe that there are no wrong intentions, I do trust her, and she always talks with me to see if I’m ok, the question here is: how should I go feeling about this?
TL;DR
My girlfriend insist being friends and hanging out once in awhile with a guy she hooked up with twice before we started dating.
12 comments
There isn’t really a “should” in this case. Either you can be OK with this or not. Some people don’t really care about past sexual relationships, some do. There isn’t really an objectively right answer here.
If you’re asking what *I* would do, I’d say ignore it. I’d much rather be with a girl who’s a bit freaky with me and that doesn’t happen without a past of freakiness. You want to get bent out of shape about something done and over, or do you want to focus on the thing happening between you now? If you’re certain there’s nothing going on between them, doesn’t that show that your gf is a mature and rational human being in control of her own actions and emotions? Isn’t that a wildly attractive character trait?
But then again, that’s just me. I’m not insecure and not really jealous. I’m particularly current and forward looking. Lots of people feel differently and that’s OK. The question is really just what YOU want and what YOU’RE OK with and no one can answer that for you.
At the end of the day he had his dick in her. They aren’t really just friends regardless if they speak of it or not, it happened twice. It’s clearly some sort of coping.
So this is a situation where I don’t see too many issues with her continuing to be friends with him. If she’s up front and honest about everything, and doesn’t spend one on one time with him, she’s still showing you respect. They were childhood friends, they were both not in a good place mentally or emotionally when this happened, and nothing ever came from it. If something was going to come from it, it would have already happened.
I know it doesn’t feel too great, but personally, I don’t think you have anything to worry about. If they hadn’t been friends for long, or this person in question was JUST someone that she used to hook up with, that would be different altogether, but they sound like they have a friendship to go back to, and they know how to just be friends with each other, if that makes sense.
Difficult question. Some people don’t have to think about it, others do. There is only one way to find out for real. And it’s difficult if you don’t trust your own judgement. This is a lose-lose scenario, or at least has the potential to be one.
Which would be the more liberating, satisfying relationship? One where you decide to trust the other person and maybe find out you were wrong to, or to be in a relationship where there is no trust in principle?
Look at it another way, if you had exes that you wanted to still be just friends with but your partner insisted you stay away from them or any other woman, how would you take it? Do you want the other person to trust you?
I mean, if you like when she’s intimate with him from time to time, why not? *sarcasm*
How is that even a question? Like take your owm interest before hers and be honest with yourself. Is this something that you are ok with? If there wasn’t an authority who tells what you should and should not be ok with, what is your natural response to this situation? If you find that out, then only you decide what’s next.
If you can’t yhink for yourself, then this is how it might look like.
You can only tell her what you don’t do, perhaps that you don’t date girls who hang out and stay friends with past hookups.
If she insists or still does it, then you’re not dating, or you enjoy it for what it is, casual dating.
It doesn’t matter what we think.
Either you trust her or you don’t. Either you’re ok with it or you’re not.
And if you’re not ok with it, she doesn’t have to like it and she doesn’t have to keep being your girlfriend. You’re both right. That’s how relationships work.
Personally, I don’t believe that anyone can tell me who my friends can be. And if someone tries, they better have a damn good reason and I still might not care.
The bigger issue here is history. Everyone has a history. Are you going to judge someone on their history, things they did in the past, or is it the present that should be more important. Only you can decide that.
I always put them in the same situation to see how really ok they think it is. I would look up an ex FWB and go hang out with her from time to time. If it’s really no problem her insecurities won’t pop up
It’s not about “should you be”. It’s about “are you”. If you are? That’s great. If it makes you uncomfortable that those guys are probably just waiting to for another chance and she’s enabling it, talk to her. If she doesn’t value your feelings, then you know she isn’t right anyway
this a NOT for me, never date women who stay friend with ex and FWB, never end well and more with a 18 year old girl.
If you have to ask the question I think you know the answer. I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer here as everyone has their own feelings and own beliefs. Either you feel ok or you don’t. Personally it depends on the type of relationship I’m in with that person. If it’s an open relationship so be it if not then I’m probably not dealing with that
That’s a hard one. I’m not an insecure guy, but I wouldn’t be comfortable with my partner choosing to hangout with someone they’ve slept with. I just know it would give me an unsettling feeling. Additionally, I think once you have sex with someone you kinda cross a line and you are no longer “just friends”.
She could continue to be friends and hangout with him, but should she? At the end of the day, communication is key. This is why you don’t sleep with friends.
Three possible answers: 1) NO! 2) HELL NO! & 3) NO FUCKING WAY!
So here’s a little question, maybe one you should throw at her….would she be ok with you being friends with a girl you had hooked up with??