I really don’t want her to find this at some point in the future so I’ll call her Naomi.
Me and Naomi met at the start of our first semester in college. Although it wasn’t the greatest first meeting since she was being ushered back to her dorm by her friends after being at a party not too far from campus. She saw me doing homework in one of the communal rooms with another friend of mine (18F). Her friends struggled to get her back into her dorm as she kept leaping out to try and talk to me. I thought it was amusing and didn’t really think much of it at first. Eventually my friend I was doing homework with would end up assisted her friends in getting her back in her dorm. A 2 days go by and that girl knocks on my door asking me to kill a spider she saw in her dorm room. Of course I agreed todo that for her and that was really it for a while. My friend from that night would end up joining their friend group and I would eventually get invited in. Naomi and I would eventually talk more as time went on and it even got to the point that I had feelings for her. I was nervous to tell her since she was a nice person and I figured she was like that with everyone so I didn’t want to ruin things between us by misinterpreting her kindness. But eventually I had a feeling she felt the same way. After hanging out nonstop for a month she says she has to tell me something. I figured she might tell me how she felt and I jokingly asked “What do you like me or something” hoping to get a slight answer out of her. She brushed off my question but admitting she feels safe around me. I couldn’t tell if she was hinting at how she felt as I’m still a dumb boy with no ability to pick up hints. As time went on she started hangout with other guys on several occasions and telling me all what was going on. Once that started happening I just assumed the role of being her friend and moved on. I ended up meeting an old classmate from high school and we ended up getting closer. There were a lot of ups and downs and I would always run to Naomi to help me since I figured she wasn’t interested in me and we were close enough with each other that we’d tell each other everything. As my relationship with my old classmates died out going into winter break I noticed Naomi started to become more distant with me. Once our second semester started me and Naomi started talking more again and she admitted she had feelings for me but I shot her down. I had no memory of this so I asked her what she was talking about and she said the night she told me she felt safe around me she also admitted her feelings to me and she said I just played it of like it wasn’t important. Now I’m a dumb boy but my memory is very good and I told her there was no way that was possible because I would’ve been estatic and admitted my feelings. She was surprised hearing I liked her back then. She said she ended up getting distant towards me because she was jealous of how I’d hurt myself being with someone else who didn’t care when she was right there in front of me. I asked her if she wanted to hangout again and see if we still feel the same way but she said she not ready due to past relationships over the last couple months. I understood and asked her if she wanted me to wait while she healed. she ultimately left it up to me and I told her I’d wait. Fast forward a couple months and we ended up getting a lot closer than before. We met each other’s families and everyone asked us if we were dating. Although we weren’t dating it felt like it and as time went on stress with school and outside events affected both of us mentally I ended up getting depressed and she had some similar mental issues. I slowly felt her distancing herself again and I kept trying as hard as i could to make things work until it felt like it was just me putting in all the work. Now Naomi has days where she is interested and acts like normally used to. Both other days she blow of plans or lie and say she’s busy. Eventually I’d see she would be hanging out with friends and even other guys when she told me she was busy. I brought how i felt to her attention and if felt like she was listening but she didn’t care. Things ended up getting more distant after that and I eventually tired to find my normal again. I still had a lot of issues from my last relationship I was healing from but i didn’t bother me until Naomi started acting like my ex. Now it seems like she only hangs out with me when she needs something and I’m not sure what todo. I won’t paint myself as a perfect person I’d get quiet or distant from time to time but I’d usually tell her why before going quiet. Now I just need to know what I should do from here. I care about her but mentally her distant is hurting me more than before.