I need advice on what to do
I dont know how to feel in my relationship right now and currently stuck on what to do
Hello, I, 23M and my partner, 21F are in a relationship of 1 year and it feels that I am stuck in an endless loop of constant degradation, unloved, and no signs of respect. For starters, my love language is words of affirmation which means that I ultimately appreciate words but due to this, it also means that words can ultimately be the reason for pain, which I have made it clear from the start.
For starters, rarely do I get the chance to hear words that I could appreciate with the simple compliments and words of encouragement and instead, I receive words that hurt me such as the banters of her saying “I dont love you” or sometimes, saying she would fuck and leave me for a certain celebrity and maybe I take words too seriously? But the fact that I could never imagine saying those things because of how disrespectful I think it is. Not only that, I feel so stressed around her all the time such as from my hobby of gaming. For context, My gf managed to buy me call of duty mw2 as a gift for my birthday because i told how much i missed playing with my friends of online sessions grinding endlessly. I promised her that I would be able to balance the time between playing and spending time with her through calling (we are far apart during summer vacation) But the 2nd night of me getting it, I was invited to play some scrims that usually takes until 2am to finish. I first told her if i could play but once I was in the middle of playing, I could sense her getting angry because of me not being able to be there for her which resulted to me ending my game mid scrims. I apologized of course after that but deep down, it felt wrong knowing i would not be able to actually play with my friends as often.
Another situation why i feel unappreciated is one time, she went out with her mom to buy clothes from the mall for a broadway show we would be attending. I was out in the gym that time but I was not able to have mobile data to see the pictures she would be sending. In the middle of my gym session, she wanted me to be on her side because she and her mom got into an argument because my gf wanted this dress but her mom would nag her about choosing a different dress instead. My gf showed pictures of the two dresses but then I was not able to see because of my situation. This resulted to her getting angry at me and blaming me that i was not able to be support her. But then i decided to leave mid workout to go home to see the pictures and defend her but as soon as I was home, she had unsent the pictures I had to apologize. And finally, I feel that it has taken a toll and i am on my breaking point due to an argument recently. She and her family got into a huge argument which resulted to it getting physical and she showed me her bruises and she was not able to eat the whole day. I offered to buy her dinner (delivery) and so I did. As soon as she found out how much the food was she got angry at me because i did not choose the app that offered a cheaper delivery fee and it led to her calling me out on how i am always clueless and how i am not good enough in terms of being street smart and not handling situations well and how she always has to be the one solving it. Which is true because i grew up not being exposed to challenges that could allow me to be street smart while she was able to learn from her parents. She told me she was close to breaking up and that she wanted more from a man who can actually do all those things. She is drained that our relationship ship feels more of an obligation and a job.
When i heard these I feel broken that because she doesnt realize all of the things she has said from even past situations and how it always made me feel worthless as a person. When. I always provide words of support and afformations i only receive name calling and words of degradation. At the end of it all, she gave me an ultimatum of if i dont change and mature up in a short while, she will leave me because she told me she doesnt have the patience of me changing despite me assuring her that I always try everyday. While on the other hand, she does not take criticisms very well and whenever I would want to say something to her about how i feel, I always feel scared of bringing it up because of the reaction that will happen, and once I remember when i was able to speak up, she has the mindset of she cant change and take it or leave it
Tl:dr – I have been feeling stuck in an endless loop of feelings of being unappreciated, lack of respect and accountability and I dont know what to do