I understand this is a very common issue submitted to this subreddit, but writing this out is really helping me think things through and also I had specific questions about ED meds. Here’s my issue:
I (29M) feel humiliated, emasculated, and extremely worried about my sexual life. Throwaway because I feel deeply ashamed; I’m pretty sure this is what they call erectile dysfunction.
I’m an incredibly socially anxious person as a result of events in my life, but recently, I’ve started seeing somebody after breaking up with my ex about half a year ago. I don’t necessarily see this new girl as compatible in the long term and don’t feel super emotionally connected, but we do have good physical chemistry. We’ve made out, I’ve eaten her out, she’s blown me, etc. Every time we’ve met up, I am extremely nervous and afraid but also excited. I also think about sex with her frequently and masturbate to the thought of her.
However, the last 3 times when she expressed that she was ready for full-on sex, I felt intensely nervous: suddenly, all the attention was on my penis to perform. It all goes downhill from there. If I put on a condom, I go soft. If she reaches to touch me down there with her hand, I go soft. If she expresses that she wants me to fuck her, I go soft. I feel so much pressure to perform and it’s absolutely maddening. I don’t know what to do about it.
For some background, I had a really weird hook-up that occurred a couple months after a pretty intense, borderline-traumatic experience 6-7 years ago. I think I was trying to prove that I was “normal” after the traumatic experience by seeing the hook-up through, but ended up not really being able to have sex because of whiskey dick/social anxiety. I think this hook-up that went poorly convinced me that I was permanently fucked up because of this traumatic experience. Now, I find that when I try to have sex, I feel like I’m always trying to prove something about myself. It’s like having a successful sexual experience/hook-up will prove that I’m loveable, that I’m a man, or that I’m not a fucked up, “broken” person.
In the past, when I’ve been in long-term relationships, sex has been more or less fine. I’ve always had that weird hiccup where I can’t get it up the first time but my partners have always been patient. When in a long term relationship, I’ve had a healthy sex life where I’m having sex 3 – 4 times a week.
I’m just at a loss because I know that I want it and my sex drive is healthy, but when the time comes I literally always go flaccid. I know it’s entirely psychological.
Any recommendations on what I should do? Should I see a sex therapist? I’ve been thinking about ED medication but am nervous to try it. Would love to hear people’s experiences about this, Cialis vs. Viagra, if it’s something I should even consider, etc.