Guy I’m seeing has revealed some stuff about his past relationships in bits and pieces over the last few months, and I’m feeling really concerned.
1. He has said it takes him a year at least to say “I love you”
2. Last girl he saw gave him an ultimatum, “either we are in a relationship or we’re not” … he chose “not”… they had been dating for over a year
3. He had to really think about what his longest relationship was since one was on and off for like 10 years… the longest they were together monogamous (they had an open relationship because they lived in Europe / USA) was 1 year. That’s his record. He’s 34
4. Girl from the long off and on again relationship eventually was his fiancé on paper (like the K1 visa I think it’s called?). This happened because while they were apart again, he was having doubts about the relationship and met another girl. Developed a “strong emotional attachment” to second girl. Told them both about each other because he felt so guilty / was kind of hoping one would bow out so he would t have to make a decision… he had doubts about the LTR but also knew he couldn’t compare the NRE with the second girl to the old relationship with a deep history… anyway second girl was literally like “idc, pic me” and first girl was like “well I can’t be mad since it was an open relationship” and that’s essentially when first girl moved over and he ended things with second girl. In the end, he broke off the relationship, and is still not really sure why he did that but he says he doesn’t regret his decision. He feels like he wasted his ex-fiancees time (she has since gotten engaged yay for her – she sounds really kind).
5. He has what he calls “relationship OCD” and this he thinks caused him to doubt that last relationship… perhaps all of his relationships. I googled it and my psychiatrist friend from college confirmed it’s a real thing, I guess it’s like where you either fixate on perceived flaws in your partner or you’re constantly checking in with yourself on whether or not you actually love your partner. Lol. Idk what form he has but sounds like more of the second one. His ex-fiancée told him, apparently, she didn’t understand why he couldn’t just put his mind to committing or making the relationship work when he’s able to do that on every other facet of his life.
So… tbh literally none of this has cropped up in our relationship (yet) but I’m kind of like… now that I know this… super concerned and I don’t know what to do? Do I just end things? Have a convo? What should I ask? Anyone met someone similar? How did it go lol
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**Edit:** submitted this 5 minutes ago and I feel like I’m asking you guys if I’m looking to buy a used car if I should go with the amazing, beautiful sports car that’s missing just about every component but the chassis 😂 “but I can still fix it up, right?”
**Edit 2:**
obligatory “everything’s great but all the above”… what I love about him is his thirst for life, sense of adventure, his dedication, determination, and ambition. We share common hobbies (both intense endurance athletes, when we met I worked out 12 hrs a week and he 18… now I’m trying to beat him each week and it’s probably not something I need from a relationship but it’s one of those fun, unique things I appreciate about our dynamic). He’s crazy smart, I’ve never been more attracted to a guy I’m seeing (and I have found all my partners attractive). It’s been 6 months, we are just seeing each other. Things built slowly because we both travel a lot so the timelines been a bit more spread out I think.
We’ve had a few disagreements and for the most part I’m happy with how we handled them. He’s patient and kind, is there when I need him if I had a bad day, offers to help me. Always hears me out if I’m bothered by something or a dynamic in the relationship.
So, yeah, I like him but uh, I can like other people, you know? Maybe I’m just scared by all this but, while I’m not looking for a fairytale I’m also not looking for a train wreck.
31 comments
Ok sooooo he realizes he has a problem. What’s he doing to fix it?
His past is concerning to me, so I understand your feelings entirely. But the thing that changes everything is if he’s actually *trying* to fix things as opposed to using a self-diagnosis as an excuse. It doesn’t matter if these issues haven’t cropped up for you yet – they *will* unless he’s actively trying to stop them.
I’ve never heard of relationship OCD, but my therapist has mentioned that I hyperfixate on the flaw of my partners as well as whether or not I love them or not and I have to really work hard every session to try and work through my garbage. I wouldn’t have dated me prior to therapy, honestly.
You want someone whom you will feel secure with… if knowing all this doesn’t make you feel secure .. then I don’t see how you’re going to enjoy being with him.. is he consistent with you? Did he say he’s looking for a relationship now?
No. I’m 38M and I think this way too much than it has to be for me.
Sounds like a lot of issues and not a lot of lessons learned or strength’s they’re bringing to the table.
If they’re actually trying to be better, I get that. But a lot of that “it takes me a year to say I love you” seems like some really odd gatekeeping type things that people with healthy and normal relationships wouldn’t put down as something concrete.
Maybe they were burned by that “sort of not serious” relationship that also was a fiancé visa thing, but how you described them is more red flags than not.
Edit: Misspelled a word or two
Yeah…if you have to ask you already know. It is just like you said new car or the best the hell one. Easy answer.
I never like saying that but also if you are this concerned I would run away.
yeah, almost every single one of these points would be a no from me. sounds like emotional unavailability, wanting to have his cake and eat it too, etc. at least he was up front with you about these things? but i would not get more involved with this man. it sounds like he should be spending time in therapy and working on himself, not dating.
Hm, I would pass personally. Good luck to you!
Why would you consider this guy a “sports car” what does he have going for him again? Sounds like a child to me
I’m not sure how he shared this with you, but seeing that all layed out in a list is a lot. He also doesn’t seem to have any ideas/plans on working through his issues?
Taken the wrong way, I think it’s hard not to assume he’s kind of putting some distance between you and maybe saying he can’t or won’t commit.
When someone tells you who they are, listen.
He’s telling you this because he’s buttering you up…..
“You knew I had commitment issues.”
Then it’s your fault.
I dated someone before who said he wanted a serious relationship but most his last relationships were casual and Fwb.
I was concerned too but I continued talking to him. then onetime he said he was going to call me that evening but he didn’t.
Next day he sent me a msg apologizing for not calling me cuz he was too tired . I said it was ok next time I’d appreciate a msg plz. he freaked out!! He was like are we in a relationship now!? I was like nooo I just wanted to let you know that I expect you to follow what you say to me. He wasn’t able to relax and I took that as a sign that he can’t commit to anything serious. Not even calling when he says he will. He wanted ultimate freedom. He ended up asking me to be casual. I said no thanks.
Also I realize he has commitment issues with other people. Like he used to tell his father that he was going to visit him but he doesn’t go. His poor father ends up waiting for him every time.
So just look at your guy’s life … is he able to commit to what he says he’ll do and how does he react when you ask him to commit to something?
I wouldn’t bother
Whew, this is a big bag of burritos to unpack. This relationship sounds like one of you is dancing on eggshells while holding a Molotov cocktail, and the other is chilling on a plush leather sofa and holding a lighter.
So from what I’ve pieced together, you’ve been dating him for six months and have not established exclusivity.
Has it ever come up?
Are you still seeing/meeting/eyeballing other people? Is he?
Do you want to be exclusive?
If you do, bring it up now. I **know** that’s scary, because you might lose him. But if you lose someone because they don’t want to be exclusive, then ***you never had them in the first place.*** Moreover, and I can’t stress this enough, you never would have, either. His answer at six months, more likely than not, would be the same in a year… or two years… etc.
**Equally important:** He is probably exciting to be with, perhaps in part because of the anticipation and the unknown. He’s ambitious! Driven! He challenges you! You’re working out more! There is nothing wrong with any of this!
But. BUT!
It’s unsustainable.
Ask yourself seriously: can you see yourself doing boring shit with him? I’m not being facetious. Can you see yourself folding socks with him while watching MSNBC? Going to Target? Photocopying work materials? Buying a new dishwasher? Washing dishes by hand until the new dishwasher comes in?
And the gold standard. Is there a world, either now, or foreseeable at some point in the future, where you could say to him, **”I have diarrhea. Do we have any Imodium? Can you go to Walgreens and pick some up? The brand. Not the generic. It has to be the brand.”** This is the shit – literally – sustainable relationships are built upon.
“If I _____, then he will leave” is not a logical reasoning scenario you want to be constantly engaging in. A good exercise in this scenario: if you catch yourself holding back on bringing up exclusivity (on anything else) specifically because you think “*if I ask him this/do this/say this, I might lose him.*”. That means you should absolutely ask/do/say that thing to find out.
I’m not saying dip, I’m saying be assertive in asking for fulfillment of your wants and your needs. You have as much right to them and he has to his.
He’s a love avoidant. Look into the work of Pia Mellody. Also, what’s his relationship with his mother like now and as a child? He most likely experienced deep enmeshment that causes him to be conflicted about love because he experienced it as a burden and need to take care of a needy and emotionally immature mother. He feels suffocated (unconsciously) and distances from the relationship or never fully commits and gets close to others because it’s triggering (unconsciously) the suffocating relationship he had with his mother.
I’d probably dip if I were you. Might seem shitty, but I don’t think many people would blame you considering how consistent his track record for being flaky is.
And you want to be with this? He’s giving you reasons to bail. You can’t say he didn’t warn you.
My opinion is steer clear. He has unresolved issues that you will, like everyone else, suffer for. Unfortunately for him, his issues aren’t his fault but it is his fault he’s not doing more to get them sorted out.
I stayed with a man similar to this. After almost 20 years together, 2 pre-teen kids, a mortgage, etc, I found out a little over a year ago that he’d been cheating on me for the last decade. I would never ever knowingly be in a relationship with a man like that again.
It sounds like you’re going to have a really hard time a year in.
A couple thoughts:
1. In my experience, people don’t offer up unflattering disclaimers about their history/personal issues unless they believe they are relevant. I would assume he’s telling you about his commitment issues so that you can make an informed choice about whether or not you want to proceed.
2. Also in my experience, people don’t offer up information that makes them look bad *while withholding information that makes them look better.* It can be really tempting to assume “Well they’re telling me about their personal struggles with relationships, but that means they’re self aware! And if they’re self aware, that MUST mean they’re working to fix things! Yay!” Resist the urge to “fill in the blanks” about someone else’s personal growth. Chances are if they haven’t said anything about the concrete steps they’re taking to change, it’s because they’re not taking concrete steps to change.
3. Never count on being the exception to somebody’s rule. If his relationships generally stall out at the situationship phase, don’t expect that yours will be different.
4. If he was unwilling or unable to resolve his commitment issues with his previous partners, and especially the partners with more history that you (like his 10 year ex / former fiance) don’t assume that he’ll get it together for you, the woman he’s been seeing a few months.
5. Don’t cause yourself grief working on “relationship issues” if you’re not even in a relationship yet. Save the emotional heavy lifting for your committed partners with a history of having your back. Don’t run yourself ragged addressing issues of someone in a casual dating situation.
Now all that said, should you break up with him? That’s up to you. If you feel like you’re only setting yourself up for heartbreak, it may be better to call things off now.
If you’re having fun and you feel your time together is worthwhile – and more importantly, you won’t feel like you’ve “wasted” your time if it doesn’t work out – there’s no reason you can’t continue to see him. However, be aware that the issues that have been present in his previous relationships will likely make themselves felt here. And you probably aren’t in a position to help him resolve those issues. So be ready to enjoy it for what it is, but also be prepared to end things if you reach a point where the juice isn’t worth the squeeze.
Told the two women because he didn’t want to have to make the decision? No way, OP, there are people out there who don’t do this to people.
I would be concerned about his past and it would probably make me not want to date him, as some people have pointed out, it doesn’t sound like he is working on wanting to change. The risk is quite high, he sounds like he is able to charm many women, but I am not sure he cares deeply for the relationships with them.
Google Avoidant Attachment.
Then you’ll have to decide on what you want to do after you’ve read it.
He has very clear issues with commitment.
I’m sorry. If you’re ever looking for a husband then this is not the one.
It sounds like he went through all of these situations and doesn’t provide what he has learned from them and how he has grown to be a better partner. It’s like the only person he was willing to stay connected to was someone who wasn’t even on the same continent, red flag to me. Makes me think he has commitment issues and clearly doesn’t like to make decisions. I feel that people don’t change unless they have actively worked to be able to identify trends in their actions and therefore make different decisions based on what they have learned about themselves. Kinda sounds like my last relationship, he was very good at pretending he wanted to fully commit until I started requiring him to actually commit like moving in together and spending more time with each other. He sounds like he’s fun to be with but his past doesn’t show he’s able to commit to a serious relationship.
Any time I hear something that concerns me about choices someone has made in the past, my first question is “what did you learn from that?” The answer is very telling.
That would be a no from me dog
Why would he tell you this if not to hedge against his lack of faith in his own ability to commit? He has already set himself up for the easy way out. Years later, all he has to do is say, “I told you so.”
Well, he did tell you so. I think you have everything you need to know. Maybe he ought to take a few of those gym hours and work on his emotional health, instead.
If he really wanted to give it his best shot, he wouldn’t warn you about his unwillingness to commit.
You can spend a few years waiting for a guy to hop off of the fence, or you can find someone who won’t keep you waiting forever. Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. What is he afraid of losing, really?
You’ve mentioned all these things about why he’s a great guy and NONE of them are about how he treats you. Perhaps im overshooting but if all you like about him are relatively superficial things, it’s not a very secure feeling to begin with.
Compounded with his history is what’s casting your doubts.
In isolation, his relationship history – unless abusive and a _consistent pattern_ of lying/cheating/manipulation – shouldn’t matter. You’re just as single as he is, no matter the circumstances that got you here. At least he’s deeply introspective about why he’s not made them work and if he’s willing to make changes to those traits then you’re in a good place
He’s saying :
1. Yes we can hang out,
2. He can have the privilege of exclusive partner without having to be one
3. He can date anyone else and just poooff.. missing like a ghost. And when you question him, he’d say : I have told you I have this trust issue etc2.
4. If you just want to have fun and SURE that you won’t be hurt when he’s not interested in you anymore, go for it.
However, in my opinion, this kind of secondhand car would not pass the pre-owned quality check and won’t be certified by an authorized dealer. Maybe many parts have been replaced by unofficial spare parts that could bring to functionality in a long run. So I will pass, regardless of how charming it looks from the outside.
All the bestt!