Before I explain any further, note that my boyfriend and I live in a society where it’s only normal to live with one’s parents regardless of age and their opinion matters a lot on basically everything.
My boyfriend (25M) and I (24F) are in a serious relationship since the past four years. Since dating so openly is not respected in our culture, our parents hardly know that we’re together. A major issue that has come up during this time and is now really affecting me is making it official. At the beginning of course, neither of us thought about it since we were too young and had completely different perspectives, but as time went on we decided that we would like to settle together at some point. That, unfortunately, came too early for me.
Two years in, I started hinting that I’d like our families to be introduced so that we could get engaged, but since he had just graduated and only started his career, he said he wasn’t ready. His main concern however was that his parents wouldn’t agree because marriage in his family happens only once both partners have secure careers – professional stability first, marriage later.
Here’s where I got extremely impatient. My bf hardly landed decent jobs and decided that getting a Masters degree is the only way he’ll be able to become “somebody”, and apart from that, traveling abroad for his Masters had always been his dream.The idea of a long-distance relationship doesn’t sit right with me, especially with no “solid” commitment. Of course, being engaged doesn’t make anything permanent, but I really wished for him to at least do that before going for a whole year. He refuses to this by saying that he wants to take that step only after he returns from his Masters and would put a ring as soon as he returns. According to him, this is because he’ll be a much more secure financially as the probability of him getting a well-paying job would increase significantly with an additional degree.
When I ask him how getting engaged has anything to do with his stability since I obviously wouldn’t be dependent on him in any way; he says that his parents wouldn’t let him take a step like that and also that my parents; judging his current achievements and the fact that he’s broke, would also never willingly bless us or want me to get engaged to him.
He also added that once he returns from his Masters, I will be able to judge better whether I really want to spend the rest of my life with him. His explanation behind this is that if I marry him solely because I love him, I will regret being with him 20 years down the lane if he isn’t able to afford the lifestyle we both have always wanted. Hence, he thinks we should make it official only when things are “clearer”.
Obviously, all of this has me extremely confused because my perspective on these things is entirely different. I’m not materialistic and I believe that struggling together is only a part of any marriage and such a marriage shouldn’t have to be so terrible. I also believe that by delaying an official commitment, I may just be wasting my time and making memories with somebody and investing in them when we don’t have a future. I’m the kind of person who is scared of the idea “hope for the best and see where it goes”.
I know my boyfriend loves me but with his mindset and his decision to not even get engaged before he leaves for a whole year, I feel hurt that my needs don’t matter as much for him and that makes me doubt everything altogether whether he’s even serious about me. I fear that he’s giving all these excuses/reasons because he subconsciously isn’t even sure about me.
As a person with intense childhood trauma, I desire somebody who’s absolutely sure about me and cant wait to spend the rest of their life with me, regardless of the circumstances.
What decision should I make? Should I be understanding about all of this and wait or should I take this as a hint that he isn’t ‘the one’?
**TL;DR; : My boyfriend thinks he’s not financially stable enough to get engaged and thinks getting engaged a year later would be more mature and practical.