TL;DR My boyfriend has no desire to try out a job in the field he spent 7 years earning a degree for, I am getting annoyed.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years and share an apartment (and a dog) together. He finished his degree in Mechanical Engineering in December 2021 and has yet to even look for a job besides the occasional job posting I have sent him. He doesn’t seem interested in even trying out a job in his field and seems content working for his parents forever (and maybe taking over the restaurant one day). He claims it’s because he’s “scared” and “doesn’t have the qualifications” but I have assured him that most job postings understand you won’t have all the desired qualifications and he should submit an application anyways.
I feel frustrated because to me this seems like a serious lack of ambition and effort and screams immaturity. He always seems to find time to play video games or go hang out with friends yet refuses to find a career-oriented job. I have tried to be supportive and understanding but I am starting to get frustrated. We are both strapped for cash at the moment, and I spend my free time sending out at least 5 job applications a day. It seems like we aren’t aligned on our future goals. To me, and I have explained this to him, I think that it would be a huge mistake to not even try out the degree you worked so hard to earn – and there is a timeline to how employable he will be. I can’t imagine business owners look favorably on someone who takes no initiative to seek employment post-graduation?
I have also expressed that if he really wanted to take over his parents restaurant then he should be making active steps towards that goal instead of just waiting around for it to fall in his lap. It honestly kind of grosses me out that he has no desire to better himself or our life while I work hard every day to try and improve our circumstances.
Am I out of line for expecting him to try? Is this a lost cause? I really do love him and I know “money shouldn’t matter” but to me, when you have the resources (a degree) to really make a difference in yours and your partners life and future, it seems unacceptable to be so lazy. How do I continue to approach this? Should I just leave it alone?
11 comments
You need to decide how long you plan to wait for him to get his shit together.
This isn’t about money, this is about values and maturity. You understand that you have opportunities and you have to take advantage of them to progress and you have to put yourself out there. He…doesn’t.
You’ve outgrown him.
>He doesn’t seem interested in even trying out a job in his field and seems content working for his parents forever
>this seems like a serious lack of ambition and effort
>It seems like we aren’t aligned on our future goals
Well, you aren’t aligned. He’s content where he is. You have ambition to change your circumstances. You’re simply not compatible if you want a partner that matches your ambition.
If you really do love him and want to stay together then you should at least sit him down once and talk to him about what you perceive and how you feel about it but if he is still not interested switching jobs then you need to decide if you can accept him as he is or move on.
He’s told you clearly who is he, what he wants, and what he values.
This is the man he is. Decide if you want to be in a relationship with that man or not.
Let him know this is not where you envisioned yourself to be at the age of 24 woman with a 26 yo cashier with a mechanical engineer degree partner.
Its okay to have grown apart, if he wants to be that cashier then let it be. Control what you can control, like if you want to be with a person with this mindset and drive or not.
You don’t share the same personality or values. Relationships can be good as in you are good friends and love each other, but if you’re looking for a marriage and potentially a family having different values is going to create so much resentment for both of you. You can leave a “good” relationship that simply isn’t “good enough”. It still sucks and you’ll feel really bad about it, but where do you want to be at 28? Does this person help or hinder your ability to get there? There’s your answer.
If you’re only still with him based on potential, or an idea of him, you’re doing yourself a disservice
Have you talked to him about he feels about this outside of the lens of your expectations of him?
How passionate is he about is field? Maybe he’s a bit burned and it after 7 years of studies.
Lots of time men go through life just doing what’s expected of them without anyone considering what they want.
He may be discovering that the mechanical engineering isn’t what he wanted in life.
A gap year won’t kill him or you and is easily explained to employers.
Imposters syndrome can strike before even getting into the work force. And simply explaining that employers don’t care doesn’t suddenly fix his anxieties on the issue.
Sounds like he has low self-esteem and a fear of rejection.
What were his grades like in school?
Do you know his parents’ plans for the future of the restaurant? If it’s likely that he’ll be able to take over the family business then it’s understandable he’s not that worried about finding a career.
You have asked for him to change and he is not changing. Do you want to settle as things are or have something else? If it is the latter, break up and find someone with a similar mindset to yourself.