He’s a friendly, sunny guy, but at the same time, he’s very negative and critical of others. Sounds contradictory, but I’ll try to explain:
In our first conversation, I noticed that he criticized a lot of people behind their backs (his supposed friends, mentors, etc.), and not in a good-natured, teasing way. He also made some rather mean-spirited comments about an autistic kid, which made me uneasy as someone who grew up with a sibling who was on the spectrum. He did speak highly of other people too, but the rate at which he criticized people struck me as higher than other people I’ve interacted with.
I looked past it, thinking he had a bad day. But the next few times we met, there was usually somebody that he criticized or at least one thing he said that alarmed me (comment about not being able to stand a certain culture despite dating someone of that culture for a few years, comment about ex girlfriend not being smart and setting her up in certain situations as a joke but also being very protective of her, having a loved one with a high-functioning addiction but doesn’t see the addiction as a problem and has signs of taking after their addiction, etc.).
Yet he treats me very well, almost too well given that we’ve only known each other for two weeks. Says it’s a miracle that he’s met me, he hasn’t felt a connection with anyone like he has with me in a long time, the works. He’s scared of upsetting me, very reactive to tiny changes in my tone, and when he thinks that I like or dislike something, he’ll flip himself to mirror me, even before I’ve noticed that my tone gave away my opinion of the thing. This makes me uneasy because it’s a sharp contrast from how argumentative he is with others.
I’m bothered by how positively he sees me despite barely knowing me, yet how negatively he sees a lot of things in life. When he knows me better, I’m worried he’ll stop idealizing me and begin ripping me apart like he does with other people. He hasn’t yet, but his early behavior reminds me of a few people who, like him, started off friendly towards me yet critical of others and eventually directed that negative energy towards me.
The thing is, I distanced myself before he started treating me poorly. When I started pulling away, he became extremely apologetic, engaged in negative self-talk (“I always mess this up, I can’t do anything right”), and said that he valued his friends above all and that he’d do anything for them.
Despite his red flags, he has many good qualities — he does have loved ones that he genuinely cares about, dreams that he passionately works towards, and insecurities I can relate with. I believe he could be a better person if he grew up in a healthier environment. But past experiences have told me that I can’t change a person, nor is it my job to change him. Even though I know this, thinking about it saddens me a little. Since we’ve only known each other for two weeks, I should be able to get over this, but I can’t stop having second thoughts.
TL;DR: Met someone with red flags and pulled away. Logically, I think I made the right call, but emotionally, I feel guilty. Since we didn’t have any fights before I pulled away, is going no-contact overkill, or would it be more appropriate to keep him as an acquaintance?
3 comments
Red flags are red flags. They mean danger ahead, do not continue along this path. Pay attention.
You listened to your intuition. Please continue to do that. (You were right.)
You’re having second thoughts because of his potential, not because of who he actually is. Focus on the fact that you noticed the red flag and it’s not your job to help him fix it. Negative people who criticize other people behind their backs are extremely draining and eventually he may do the same to you.