My gf (F18) and I (M18) have been dating for more than a year, and I love being around her. When she’s present physically, it easy to be authentic and we get along really well. A lot of the people around us also think we get along, but it’s actually not completely true.
I always find it difficult to communicate with her when she isnt physically present, which has been making me feel disoriented and anxious in the relationship. I am kind of anxious, but it doesn’t mean I can’t go a day without talking to her. Both of us aren’t that active online, so I generally am fine with not talking through text that often.
However, it has been a consistent problem that she would always take forever to respond, which has made it really hard to plan things as well as making me anxious. Her communication is very inconsistent, sometimes replying immediately, other times more than a day. What makes me feel really bad is that she often reads it, but doesn’t reply; it’s noticeable since she often replies to group chats, but then doesn’t respond to my texts.
She also often ghosts everybody during breaks, with no warning, which has taken me by surprise often confusing me. Although it’s often understandable that she is out with her family or doing thins, her status shows she is online, but often completely ignores text on days without notice, only to reveal that she was spending time with family.
This has made my anxiety worse, which has prevented me from reaching out when I wanted to talk to her, instead going to friends for help or a companion to talk to. I’ve talked to her but she doesn’t want to fix it, saying it is her habit.
This has caused major trust issues, which has made it difficult to ask her out as well, as she is not time-managed and suddenly reveals that she has other responsibilities friend/family hangouts as I ask her to go out.
I’ve talked to her that since it’s hard to connect to her online (we usually hangout once a week), I would prefer if we could spend more time physically. It really hurt me when she said that she doesn’t want to start thinking of the relationship as a chore if we hung out more and that she needs her own space. Although she proposed to compromise by trying to make more time, I never really felt like she acted on her promises.
I fully support having individual time and am trying to be more self-sufficient. I know we both enjoy each of our company, but it just feels like she often tries to keep me at a hands distance in the relationship and makes me feel like a convenience. When she is feeling like it she would want to hangout, but unknowingly she becomes distant and doesn’t want to hangout. Am I misunderstanding her, is she actually avoidant, or is it that I’m the red flag? Should I remove myself from this anxious-avoidant dynamic? Can it work out?
__**tl;dr**__: My gf (F18) and I(M18) have been dating for more than a year. Her avoidant tendencies with exhaustingly delayed responses and unavailability makes my anxiety worse and very hard to feel like I can rely on her in any situation. Is she really avoidant or am I being the red flag? Should I leave this anxious-avoidant dynamic? Can it work out?