I (22M) often used to look into the future for my happiness. “When I am this or when I get this, then I will be fulfilled“. But no expectation, or hope really had so much importance and gravity as the one to find love. I had the expectation that as soon as I would have my girlfriend, life would be great. This expectation mostly manifested itself as a daydream/fantasy. I would listen to romantic and dreamy music and make myself “high” with fantasy’s of me and my imagined girlfriend. It was such a great feeling. All of my daydreams had a cinematic, movie highlight quality. Idk f.e. like riding into the sunset together.
I did this probably everyday since I am 9 to this day. I did this so I could escape negative emotions, have hope, make boring moments stimulating, and to just feel good. The medical term for this is Maladaptive Dreaming.
Today I have to deal with the consequences. All my daydreaming made and still makes me catch feelings pretty quickly for girls. But I realise now that I didn’t really have feelings for many of the girls I dated, I had feelings for my fantasy of them. Every time I date a girl that I find somewhat attractive (physically and personality wise), I literally can’t stop thinking and fantasising about her. This is because she becomes the portal to all the romantic daydreams I had during my life, she is the portal to my eternal bliss.
Obviously I know that a relationship won’t fix all my problems. The honeymoon phase will hit hard, but after that its just like any other important relationship. There will be laughter, conflict, misunderstandings, things we can connect to, things we can’t connect to etc. It won’t be a cure for all, and most definitely won’t be as perfect as my cinematic daydreams. Still my being or soul has been programmed for 10+ years, through all my daydreaming, to associate a relationship with bliss. And this is so deep inside of me, I just can’t get it out of me. Its like someone that has been injured severely by a dog, and therefore can’t encounter dogs without having a panic attack. Although this hypothetical person could logically understand that not all dogs are dangerous, they still have no control over their anxiety.
Right now I could not casually date someone that I am romantically interested in, like my friends can, without stressing and obsessing most of the day. I have such a high expectation of the outcome. This makes me overthink, and be anxious most of the time. F.e. the girl I am talking to now. I’ve met her two times. I think she’s fun and attractive, but I don’t think that we are super compatible. Still, I think every 10 minutes about her, and I get really anxious when she doesn’t text back in a couple of hours.
I know that dating is filled with a lot of troublesome and pleasant feelings for everyone. But I feel like my experience is somewhat unique.
Has anyone else this problem? How do you solve this?