Sorry, this is going to be a very long one.
I (30f) have been married to my husband (30m) for 10 years, together for 12. He’s always struggled to deal with any of my feelings towards our relationship and takes it as personal criticism. Even if I approach it calmly, at the ‘right time’ and be constructive, It’s the same routine every time; he will blow up, swear tell me ‘I guess I’m just really a shit husband’, we’ll argue for two hours, I’ll shut down, cry, and then he’ll apologise after a few more hours.
His emotional immaturity has always been an issue, he comes from a very closed-up family. He says he’s working on it but the last ~year has felt like absolute hell for me, as I’m now 5 months postpartum.
My pregnancy was awful, after a miscarriage, we found out this pregnancy was high risk. I bled for the first four months and was told pretty much every day I was having another miscarriage (I wasn’t, thankfully). I was depressed and struggled to be alone, I told my husband this and yet he would get angry and say that he’s struggling too and then leave to watch the football at his parent’s house. My panic attacks started up again, which was terrifying when pregnant. He apologised and said he would do more.
At six months pregnant, I couldn’t walk, could barely stand up some days which was another hit to my mental health. I cried every morning knowing it was another day of pain and anxiety, all the while wanting this pregnancy to be successful. Little things like wanting the bin emptied, having to tell him over and over, he gets mad at me for ‘nagging’ and shouting ‘why can’t you just do it yourself’. Or if I’d ask him to wake up a couple of minutes earlier than me in the morning to make me a cup of tea to help my nausea, apparently this was too much of an ask. I asked him to read into stages of labour, so he understood things if I was unconscious, and he would always say ‘yeah sure’, but nothing. I told him I’d love flowers (his business is across the street from a florist), begged him(!!) for something to perk me up, he eventually did after a few months (i got two bouquets throughout my pregnancy). Begged him to plan my birthday in advance as we usually go abroad, but couldn’t that year due to my pregnancy. He asked me two days before what I wanted to do for my birthday, which was heartbreaking. I ended finding a spa stay nearby (he paid and booked massages).
We went to his parents after I gave birth for the extra help (his mum is AMAZING, mine passed away when I was 21). I asked for two weeks from him, to just be present no matter what, it lasted less than two weeks before he said he needed to go out for meetings during the day, asked me if this was okay in front of his family so I couldn’t exactly say no. I still wound up doing our laundry and when I told him this was unfair, he blew up on me (two weeks post partum), essentially told me I was lying and he has done the laundry many times. He apologised after I cried myself to sleep and said he would do more. I asked if he could do one of the mid-night feeds so I get one good chunk of sleep for just ONE night, he said he’s tired too and it’s unfair to ask that, yet I did all the overnight feeds for two nights when he was sick with bronchitis, a week after I gave birth. I spoke to his mum about this and she essentially told me ‘that’s what men are like, they won’t get it, you should find someone else to speak to’. Which I found INSANE and so upsetting.
We’re now at the point I feel like I’m banging my head against a wall. I’m managing our baby’s life and routine, he says he knows the routine and nap times etc but when I ask him what it is, he gets it wrong (another argument ensues, followed by an apology). I say he’s not proactive with our baby, he never just gets up to make a bottle, or nappy change, or put to bed. I’m always telling him what needs to be done. I know being on maternity leave makes me the primary parent but he should know how to look after our baby if I’m not around, right?
The last few weeks have been one thing after the other, when telling him I’m struggling with post partum anxiety, I need more emotional support from him and not to feel invisible to him, he gets so mad and tells me he’s doing so much already and ‘what do you even do for me?’. Yesterday just felt like the cherry on top of it all. I was changing baby’s nappy and when I got up, I had an excruciating pain in my ribs, I doubled over (he was picking up baby at this point) and sort of shouted out in pain, he asked what’s wrong and then nothing from him, no ‘are you okay’. I got upset and asked him if he even likes me as a person anymore? I KNOW it sounds so dramatic but why do I feel invisible to him, he just blows up tells me ‘it’s all in your head and you’re too sensitive, nothing is ever good enough’. He said if I did nothing at all, it wouldn’t make a difference to his life, this just felt like a slap in the face so I vowed to show him exactly what that would look like if i did nothing. I know it’s immature but I feel like I’m done arguing about my feelings, why does it need to be an argument at all? He responds telling me he’ll do the same and ‘fucking watch me’ over and over again. Is this what marriage is supposed to be like? He would never treat his family members like this, always there for them when they need help or are unwell. He apologised last night and is being extra nice this morning but I feel numb.
These are snippets into the bad times, but it’s not all terrible. He attended all of my appointments when pregnant, and I had at least a couple every week. He was SO helpful during labour itself, advocating for me when I was out of it, which honestly saved me from a lot of trauma. There are good things in our marriage, we have a lot of fun, he supports me in my career and insisted I apply my dream job a few years ago in the depths of my anxiety, which I got! I don’t have to cook or clean (we usually figure out dinners together and he has OCD so will do a full clean of the house himself). Previously, during arguments he used to get all up in my face for literally five hours shouting at me, to which I would shut down or leave the house, but he’s grown a lot in the last few years. I’m not perfect either but I have been to therapy, worked on my issues and genuinely feel like I’m in a good place and receptive to what he needs.
Day to day is generally good and I’m mostly happy if I don’t talk about my feelings but it’s just got to the point that how I feel is uninteresting to him. I think he loves me but doesn’t like me anymore, and if he was to meet someone else he would put in the effort and not treat them this way. Shouldn’t he want to do the things that make me happy? I told him all of this and he disagrees, tells me I’m his best friend. Not sure I believe him anymore. What do I do? Am I being hormonal or is there actually an issue here? I honestly don’t know anymore, I’m exhausted.