My (33F) wife (42 F) is a type-A person with a leadership role at work and acknowledges being a bit obsessive, pessimistic and anxious. These qualities have seemed to serve her well in her career, which is great; however, when she brings this energy into our relationship I feel resentful. I am the more optimistic one and have worked hard to manage my own anxiety through meds and therapy, and generally feel decent these days. However, when I join her in repetitive planning it usually makes me feel confused, frustrated, and overwhelmed, and this state takes energy and time to shake off.
I have an emotionally strenuous job and like to spend my time outside of work relaxing, being creative, etc. She likes to spend it thinking of every possible solution to an upcoming scenario, even when in my perception we have already come up with a solid plan. When I tell her that I am happy with the current plan and that it stresses me out to be constantly re-working the same scenario, she seems to hear me in that moment BUT will often do the same thing again even an hour later, and does it at least several times a week, seemingly without awareness of how I feel.
When she is in this place she doesn’t feel present for any conversation or connection other than around the plan of the moment. She also makes comments about how she handles more than I do, which feels unfair, as she is usually unwilling to let me do something my way and at a slower pace than she would.
I am unsure of how to handle this situation, as I know she feels better talking out the possibilities with me, while I feel worse. One part of me resents what I see as her regularly getting her needs met at my expense and wishes she would go into therapy or take anti-anxiety meds; however when she tried therapy in the past she didn’t think she needed it or was getting anything from it (which surprised and dismayed me).
Other complicating factors: as a therapist I know I am much more knowledgeable and better equipped to manage my own emotions than the average person, so part of me thinks I should try to manage my own stress about how she approaches things instead. Not to mention, I’m aware I am sensitive to others’ moods (which feels like my shit to handle) and can sometimes feel entitled to my needs being prioritized. I think it’s important to care for a partner as you’re able, but it often feels like she’s dragging us both down with her anxiety and I’m unable to help her.
I’m so stuck in my perspective right now- it would be helpful to hear from others who can relate to either my wife or myself in order to potentially see another solution.
TL;dr For my wife, planning alleviates anxiety; for me it exacerbates it. I wish she could come up with one solution and stick to it so that we can move on. How do we find a solution that meets both our needs?