I need some help here, as the title says, we are definitely in a rut. There may be better places to post this, so point me in the right direction if so.
We’re both 37 and have been together since college, married for 12 years.
Early on, we had a decent amount of sex, our sex drives more or less were even, both enjoyed it, both orgasmed the vast majority of the time.
A few years in, my wife’s sex drive took a noticeable downturn. We maybe did it a couple times a month, never initiated by her, but whenever we did do it, after we got going a little bit, she still would enjoy it and generally orgasm.
This is around the time she was starting to say it was uncomfortable to sometimes painful at first penetration and the first couple minutes until she would get in to it more.
This trend has continued as we’ve gotten older. Her sex drive is non-existent at this point. We can go a few months without having sex and when we do it’s “ok let’s get this over with” and we do it(the most recent dry spell was our longest, almost 5 months). As unsexy of a start to sex as that is, she does still end up enjoying it and orgasming more often than not. So it doesn’t seem to be a complete dislike of sex in general, she just has to get going a little bit and will end up enjoying it.
She has a lot of anxiety over the thought of it, even knowing that she generally ends up enjoying it in the end. It has to be planned so she can mentally prepare for it. There is no kissing or massaging that might turn into sex, that hasn’t happened in probably over a decade.
Foreplay is 100% off of the table for her. She will not let hands or mouth go down below. Frustrating on many levels because if a little foreplay were to happen, I think, she’d be more into it and kind of hit the ground running a little more once we’re actually having sex, instead of taking that first couple minutes to get going and over some of the discomfort she tends to have.
We do have a 3.5 year old. It was like this long before we had our kid, but it has gotten worse since. If I’m using 20 year old us as a baseline, I’d say her sex drive seemed to be 25% of that for the few years before we had our kid. It’s now at 0%.
We are happily married, very compatible personality wise, have a great kid, great life in general, just one missing component… sex life. We’re teetering on the straight up sexless marriage line right now.
This post is obviously from my perspective, so I want to convey I understand this isn’t easy for her either. This is emotionally tough at times knowing that we’re just off in the sex drive department.
Of course I want more sex, but I want this for her too, I want her to legitimately want it too and enjoy it. Not just appease me every couple months and dread the idea of it.
I’ve brought up many times that I want her to talk to her doctor more about the lack of sex drive to see if there is more behind it, medically. I think she has, but she’s vague with details. She’s very private with that stuff so I’d imagine she doesn’t get into much detail if it does get brought up.
I’m going to be getting a vasectomy in the coming months and she’ll go off birth control. I’m hoping that is a game changer, but I’m not naive enough to think we miraculously turn into our 20 year old selves either.
Looking for any and all advice on the situation. I’ve casually looked into some of the different CBD based lubes and oils that supposedly can help discomfort, getting into the mood, etc.
Open to suggestions on things that could help boost that libido and sex drive a bit.
Even open to a sex counselor. Something has to give, even a mediocre sex life sounds pretty good right about now.