As the title says, I have come to realize my girlfriend is an extremely selfish person. To preference this, we just had a major fight about this last night and it hasn’t been the only one about this issue, it’s been a problem for me since basically the beginning. Last night and before she has told me that she’s not obligated to do anything for someone just because she’s dating them and just because you do stuff for me doesn’t mean you should expect anything back. I’ll lay out some back story and let you guys help me decide if its worth saving
We have been dating for 11 months now and are basically both our first real relationships. I’m a 22 year old who didn’t go to college and decided to go straight into the work force so I have a job that pays me pretty handsomely for my age and she’s a freshman in college. I have always loved to be generous with anyone, I’ve been paying for random stuff for friends and random people since before I was probably in high school and had money. I guess I picked up this habit from my Dad who has always made an effort to do things for other people and try to do some good for the world. She’s the type of person who holds wealth to the highest regard and this probably stems from childhood trauma when her fathers business failed and they almost lost their house. She’s been trained to buy the cheapest shit even if it will break the next day, the term money buys quality means nothing to her family only $$ signs do. But it’s so bad when it comes to her spending money especially when its on anything that’s not for her.
Since I’m a generous person in general I have found out that this habit gets turned up to a million when I have a significant other. I have spoiled this girl since day one, random presents all the time, huge ones for holidays, lavish date nights and trips; I pay for it all and plan everything we do. I’m okay with this, its who I am. What I am not okay with is feeling like I get nothing in return. I feel like the relationship only exist now to make her happy and anything that she doesn’t benefit from getting happy from she will not do. I just want something, anything. When I bring this up to her, she’ll become super defensive and lash out or break down in tears telling me she treats me like shit but doesn’t change. She tells me its my fault for doing so much and then say I’m making her feel bad because she can’t come close to doing what I do, so she decides to do nothing. She say’s she writes me love letters or makes me some little arts and crafts but most of these come after fights so they’re basically just apology letters. But she’s also told me she’s done this for all of her past relationships/flings so it just makes them feel even less special. And it’s not like haven’t done these for her, I have plenty of times just because. She’ll tell me I knew I was going to date a broke college student so I shouldn’t complain but she’s not even that broke her Mom paid for her first full year and she has saved up into the low 5 figures.
She tells me that she gives me love, affections and cuddles and yes I’ll give this to her, she shows affection so well and never with holds it. She told me she “gave her virginity to me” (her words not mine) and that’s the biggest gift she could have given to any person. But its not like she didn’t try with her last boyfriend, she just had vaginismus which took us a good bit to over come and I expect that if they lasted longer they would of gotten over it too. To me this is just all givens to any relationship, she not really giving anything to me, she’s just doing the bare minimum that is required of any relationship. If she wasn’t to do any of that then we wouldn’t have a relationship we would just be basically friends or just two people who know each other. Since she doesn’t “have” money or not like I do, I have tried to ask to try different things, even in sex she doesn’t give much when she has made it clear that she wants to explore more with me. I’ll ask for nothing wild just something more than the basic missionary or ridding me. We tried doggy in the beginning and she’s now scared of it because it’s a different feeling and I feel too big from behind. Okay I’m not a pusher but I’ve let it be known it’s something I like and really want to do more but I would never force it and she says this is just me asking for more. I’ve asked her to swallow from the beginning and she’s said her ex forced her and now she’s scarred but she’ll do it for me and made it seem like she wants to do it to me and has basically been saying she’s ready for 9 months but nothing ever happens. She tells me asking for it makes her just not want to do it and now she has no idea when she’ll do it. She also never initiates anything even bj’s, I have to ask for everything which is its own issue and I don’t feel like fighting on that.
That actually leads into so much more. She says me asking her to do stuff for me makes her just not want to do anything for me and that I basically reset the counter. That she’s never enough for me and I always ask for more after I get something. I really hate that because I’m not asking for anything more than I have since the start and its literally just more than the bare minimum. After I fight with her on this she’ll try to do better for two weeks but then will slowly go back to the start until I get upset again. She also does this thing of never following through which gets my blood boiling she’ll act like she going to do something for me but for some reason it never happens. “They didn’t have your size” “someone told me not to get it” “I didn’t know what to get you” ” I didn’t want to spend that money” “it hurts”. These all came after making it so clear she was gonna do something for and sometimes after she did stuff for herself. It just hurts all she really has to give me is excuses.
I give this girl the world, everything I have, all of me. I barely ask for anything in return I just want to feel appreciated outside of making her happy. That’s what it basically feels like, I only exist in the relationship to make her happy and if I’m not doing that she sees no value in it. I just want to be valued for who I am, I want to feel wanted for me, I want to be fully desired with out having to ask. I’m just asking for a little more effort on her side to show she cares. I’m not asking for more lavish gifts, just a way for her to show that she goes out of her way for me.
I don’t want to spend the whole time beating her up. Outside of being extremely selfish she is the most loving, cute, sweet, pretty, and beautiful girl I have ever met. She really will do anything I ask if I really ask for it but I don’t want to have to keep asking for what I want, I want it to come naturally or least know she’s working on it. I don’t want to have to do both sides of the relationship. Especially after I have communicated so well what I need from her. She’s like a diamond in the rough I want to polish but its taking so much time to get there.
Reddit I hate the idea of quitting on my relationship, is there anyway of working on this issue? Can I teach her to be less selfish towards me at least? How do I get through to her? Is it even possible? Is our future just going to more of this? is her making money from a big girl job still going to lead to more of this and never getting anything in return?
I really dream of spending the rest of my life with this girl but this just makes me rethink it.