In desperate need of advice.
My boyfriend and I have been on and off for nearly 2 years now. From 15 to nearly 18. I am 17F, he is 18M. I struggled with intense mental health issues my whole life (bpd, autism, adhd, extreme anxiety etc) and I felt for the first time in my life, in his arms, my mind went quiet. He is my first boyfriend, first love, took my virginity and gave me a lot of new life experiences. He became my FP very quickly (a common trait in people with bpd) and I developed an intense and unhealthy attachment to him. Almost like a parental attachment as I never got much affection from my own parents. He became my only source of safety from my own mind.
Some backstory on our relationship
Even just the start of our relationship was very rocky and caused a lot of pain for me. He was unable to commit and date multiple months but would still treat me like his girlfriend (going on road trips with his family, having sleepovers for weeks etc, having dinner at his grandparents house, calling me honey and baby and so much more) He would sleep with girls, occasionally sending photos to me with them, telling me, when asked where he was, “you don’t want to know”. Only to then come stay at mine for nights on end. Repeat. The pain this inflicted was unbearable but I didn’t care when I was in his arms. Even when he was hurting me the most it was him who I wanted to run and cry to. This happened maybe 4-5 times until I told him I was done. He then decided that very day he was ready to commit and was in love with me, while also maintaining that his behaviour wasn’t wrong. Maybe I was too naive, maybe he was testing the waters to see just how much he could walk all over me.
Our relationship was so intense. Almost a spiritual experience. I brought a lot of my own insecurities mixed with the ones I created during the first few months. We had broken up numerous times, 5 out of 6 being by him. Every break up was just as intense as the last. I begged him to stay, I promised to change, I promise it was a turning point etc. The hardest breakup lasted 4 months and I was distraught. We broke up about 30 minutes before my birthday. I spent my birthday trying to hold it together, until that night he posted a photo with the girl/ at the girls house he told me not to worry about. I was intensely suicidal unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I couldn’t cope. I would cry until I vomited everyday for months. I couldn’t sleep in my own bed for a while as it reminded me of him. I couldn’t be present in anything, I neglected all my responsibilities. I turned to drugs, alcohol, flings, constantly stalking his social media, asking around to find out what he was doing, you name it. The pain was genuinely unbearable and I couldn’t see myself getting through it. I genuinely for the first time thought I was going to end things.
Then I get a message. It didn’t come as a complete shock as a mutual friend was almost speaking to each other, for us. We are both incredibly stubborn and he refused to reach out unless he knew I would reply. Of course I did. This led to talking non stop, to hanging out, to being in a relationship all probably within the span of a week. I was ecstatic. I knew it was a terrible idea but I didn’t care, he loved me!!! He wanted me!!!
Reality hit not long after, old habits became present quickly. I continued to have issues when it came to his habits of lying, not trusting him in the slightest, not being able to let go of the hurtful things, not feeling cared for or appreciated etc. I struggle immensely to know if these feelings are caused by BPD or are a reality. Lots of people around me see the way he treats me as wrong, but are they just saying that? He’s ingrained into my mind that I am the problem the whole relationship, which could be true but a lot of the hurtful things he’s done I can’t understand how they could be considered okay.
Now where I need advice
He’s making a lot of progress in his career, which might entail him to move overseas. He’s been telling me this for a while but I didn’t accept it as a reality. But slowly, it’s gotten more real and I fear he will be moving soon. When the possibility of long distance was brought up he immediately shut it down. Saying he would not do it. I was shattered. I would do anything to be with him. I bargained, cried, pleaded. He said he would try and make things work if he was only going for small periods but has also made it clear he mightn’t like it and will end things. So many things go through my mind, does he want to be able to have sex with random girls again? Does he not love me? Is he not as committed as I am? He currently has no set timeframe on when he’s going or how long for. He told me he understands if I need to end things and left it upto me. It almost felt as if he was advocating for breaking up. Like he didn’t care, wasn’t fussed either way, like he expected I was going to. This caused me an intense panic attack. I’m terrified to go through the pain again out of fear that I literally won’t survive. I genuinely feel as if my life depends on this relationship, which is definitely unfair on him and I would never tell him that.
I told him I would make it work while we still could and there was no sense of relief from him in the slightest. No excitement, nothing. All he said was “yea that’s what I’ve been saying” and went to sleep as I cried all night.
**TL;DR;**: Do I stay with him until he needs to move, given the possibility he might come back soon etc, even though he seems checked out and careless either way? Do I stay and try and make myself stronger so when the time comes I don’t fear my life?
Or do I end things now, rip the bandaid off, induce potential years of pain and regret if he doesn’t move?
I’m terrified of the pain I feel due to my BPD and I’m so conflicted in my mind of what is the best decision. Any help means the absolute world.