My wife recently asked me for a divorce after a turbulent year. I was blinded by my own trauma and couldnt see the pain I was causing until it was too late. Ive been in therapy and the one thing I cant shake is the regret and remorse. I’d give anything to go back to the happiest day of my life when we got married and start over with what we know now. I want her to know Im the same person she married and that I will cherish and nurture her.
I know she wants to move on and all I want is for her to have the happiness she deserves but I cant shake the hoping that she’ll stay. We were so happy together. We brought each other so much genuine joy until I messed it up. The best moments of my life have been with her. She’s the greatest woman I’ve ever known. So pure and loving. I just want another chance without all the toxic bs. Can love be renewed? Can we have joy and peace again? Anyone successfully reconciled? Just venting I guess
19 comments
you can’t change the past or another persons mind.
keep doing the work and embrace what happens. if she comes back and you still want to reconcile then, great.
but if she doesn’t, don’t chase and respect her decision. keep doing the work and improving yourself no matter what happens.
As a last step, would she be willing to go to professional counseling with you? Or is it too far gone?
We attended a Hope Restored marriage retreat in Rome, GA. Most of the couples there were on the verge of divorce, but most (i think 80%) were able to learn new tools for communicating and showing love to each other, and stayed married. Mostly happy marriages i should add. I think they now offer it in Michigan
Did you cheat?
what did you do that caused this?
Yeah even i wanna know what you did? Lol if its cheating, then for me i couldnt forgive. Just not possible
Depends what you did
Ive been in your shoes. My situation was probably a little different in that my wife, in reaction to me messing up, also messed up. Arguably worse in fact. But we still fixed it. I had to suck up my pride, not only regarding my lacking, but also to to be the one to forgive her first because I messed up first. Now our relationship is WAY stronger than it ever was. Know when to give her space to be upset. It’s valid. But don’t stop fighting for your marriage. She probably wants it back too, but it’s hard for her to see it as a possibility. You need to change and show her you are becoming better. Don’t make her feel like she’s stuck. And don’t try to make her feel like she’s wrong for wanting to leave (even though, I think it is. Despite her feelings being valid, marriage is still for better or for worse. People CAN change, and you have the obligation to do so, and she has the obligation to let you and help you to do so.) Just focus on loving her. Her love language and genuine respect for her will be your best friends.
Tell her what you wrote here. You can change the past but you can change for the future
What did you do to “mess up”?
If you love the woman you’ll support her exit.
You’re trying to unring a bell and that doesn’t work.
Give her peace.
I guess it depends on how bad it got. There are things that people do that can permanently change our perception of them. You may still be the person she married, but she may have learned that the person she married isn’t who she thought you were. You may have said and done things she would have never imagined you capable of, and now she can’t unknow those things about you.
My guess is that you cheated
You know, I always thought it was super disrespectful and annoying when a spouse ignores the problems their partner continues to bring up until they begin divorce or breakup proceedings. Why should she believe that things will change now if they haven’t before?
Need more info. What did you do?
I’m assuming—based on your other posts—that your mental illness is at the root. As someone who has paranoid schizophrenia, I’ll tell you this: at some point we only have ourselves to blame. You said it went untreated and you were somewhat of a terror to be around, I’m sure that strained your relationship, someone can only love you so much before you stop being the person they married. I’m not blaming you, but I hope you understand there’s probably little to nothing you can do to get her back. Just work on your mental health and try to go back to the man you were. Maybe she’ll come back, maybe you’ll find someone else. The future is uncertain.
Honestly it sounds like you’re love bombing and blaming trauma and not really taking responsibility here.
If the wedding was the best day of the marriage, there are a lot of issues to work through.
I’ve been in the opposite spot or am to a degree. My wife was recently diagnosed with a neurodivergent disorder as well as anxiety caused by it. I’m so devastated by how she hasn’t been able to make amends. Making amends is key. We all can be forgiving especially with new diagnoses. But saying you are sorry for the many years of putting a partner thru it while going thru it themselves is an important conversation I hope to have some day. Or else I will divorce her too.