7 year relationship, we have been living together for 4 years.
To give you some perspective, my bf 30M and me 27F had a lovely relationship. Very healthy in many aspects. We communicated on a very profound level. He seems like a very gentle person, very mannered and kind. We split chores equally and he is the kind of partner that does everything without needing to be asked for. He is the only person I wanted to have a child with because he would be an amazing dad, he is great with pets and his siblings (more maternal than me lol).
After 3 years of relationship, I found out my bf was sexting anonymously. Random people on Omegle, Skype, online chats etc. I dug deep and saw that it kept happening throughout our relationship: some chats were while I was in the next room, sleeping. Some were while I was at home and away.
As usual, we talked about this very profoundly, he explained he views it as porn and does not interact with ‘actual people’. It shook me to my core anyway and I considered it cheating. He cried and promised never to do it again and begged me not to leave. I gave him another chance.
6 months later, I had a ‘hunch’ and bluffed by saying I know everything and its better to come clean. He actually admitted and showed me everything right away.
I don’t know what was wrong with me and why I did not left there and then since he did not stop after being caught initially. He was aware this was hurting me.
After another session of crying and begging and promising whatnot, he was determined to have me ‘have access and monitor all his activity online’ in order to gain trust. After a few months, he had a trip to visit family abroad and I stayed at his apartment meanwhile. The first night, I tried opening the messaging app on his computer, it was mysteriously malfunctioning. I never found any proof he was sexting again but several years later he admitted he also did this on his trip.
We moved in together some time after that and my insecurities never ceased.
I keep acting insecure and psychotic at times because I do not trust him.
Recently I opened his App Store and saw dating apps recommendations which he swears never used.
I do not like the person I’ve become. I do not trust him to stay home alone, stay in the toilet for more than a few minutes, let alone stay up all night gaming while I am asleep. This is not healthy for either of us. As a result, I have ruined my sleep schedule, staying up longer than I should. I became a very negative person that starts fights all the time. I am not fun to be with anymore. I hate myself and people will soon start hating me too.
He has been very patient at my questions and accusations the past 4 years. He gets annoyed but is very patient to talk to me and explain that part of his life is over and he is extremely ashamed of what he has done.
He explains he viewed it as just porn and does not want to do it again. He says it was like an addiction and I have seen him at his worst.
Meanwhile, he got a pretty serious health scare and IBD diagnosis which took a toll on his health resulting in several issues, including low libido. We have sex about 3 times a week but it is a plunge in comparison to what we used to. It feels like I initiate every time. I obsess over whether he masturbated and look more into his privacy than I should etc.
I have to say we talk about this very openly and I cannot blame him for a health issue but it messes with my head due to our history.
I had a full blown existential crisis just seeing he was watching a girl gamer stream some video games on Twitch.
He is also a daily weed user and functions high all the time. This also bothers me a lot. I cannot say it affects our daily life too much but I would definitely want a partner that is not addicted to weed on a daily basis as it leads to ED in men and more.
This all being said, I am having second thoughts about this relationship and I need to make a decision and come to terms with it because he will propose soon.
I do not want to regret my decision. When I think back, I wish I left him the first time he did this. I DO NOT want to feel that way in the future, after we get married.
He thinks I have a trust issue and was supposed to get over it soon because ‘it has been 4 years’ but I feel like my whole relationship is a lie.
He accepts me the way I am and does not ask me to change. I cannot decide ifit is okay for me to be so critical about all these things (past infidelity, weed, intimacy, habits) and still get so insecure.
I am sick of going to bed alone while he is playing games and doing whatever all night.
Objectively speaking, he is the most amazing person I have met, unlike other people in terms of communication, way of thinking and decision-making. I find him brilliant in many aspects and I feel like I am more attracted and in love with him every day.
I either want this to stop and start a new life or finally break out of shackles of insecurity and doubt so I can love and let him love me fully.
I do intend to talk to a therapist, but I am in such emotional turmoil that I cannot handle my day-to-day life lately.
Thank you for reading such a long post. I would really like some input. You can probably sense by my erratic sense of writing I am in distress.
TLDR : My otherwise lovely bf(30M) sexted on random chat websites the first 3 years of our relationship, has not done it since, but I still have severe trust issues. Cannot go on like this, I either want to break up or come to terms with it before he proposes.