Hello,
I’m 29m and my girlfriend is 26F. We’ve been dating for over 3 years. Our relationship has always felt great. We push each other to do better, support one another through hardships, and we share similar goals in life. She has a degree, is pursuing her masters online, and works 45+ hours per week. I do not have a degree, am not pursuing it currently, and work 50+ hours a week. There are very few things that we butt heads about, but one thing that I cannot shake is her hatred or lack of understanding of video games.
Before we met I was a gamer. I would play 5+ hours a day after work everyday. It was how I got through the workweek, unwind, etc. I have very few friends, and I rarely see them due to distance, so I would play games with them to ‘hangout’. This was my lifestyle nearly all of my adult life. Work 10 hours, eat, and play video games for the night. I never had any interest in a life outside of this routine. Eventually I started to grow tired of my life, and wanted a change so I started dating. I met my gf nearly 3 years ago.
Things got off really strong, and I was happy to have a life outside of video games. I would play occasionally for 5-10 hours a week early on into dating, but only when we weren’t around each other. I started to neglect going on the computer as much as we became more intertwined in each other’s lives. Eventually we moved in together, and bought a house together. I rarely played video games much at this point. Maybe a few hours a week.
It stayed like this for awhile. Pretty much any chance she had plans, a show to watch, etc,
I would play video games. That is pretty much how it has always been. But one thing that has always annoyed me was how much she looks down on me playing video games. It really bothers me, and we’ve had a few spats about it over the years. She always says why don’t I do something else, or be productive instead? And I always tell her what does it matter, this is how I unwind and how I connect with my friends? She always seems to get an attitude and says “I just don’t get it, you could be doing x, x or x”
It really frustrates me that she doesn’t understand that aspect of my life. To add further context right now she is taking her masters degree online. She typically spends 6-10 hours a week doing this, while working a 45 hour a week job. My job is intense, 50 hours a week for nearly 10 years. So when she does her homework, or occupied, I try to play video games during that time. I also do all the housework as I don’t mind doing it and I want to help out more while shes in school, and I get a little bit more time to myself. This has worked for awhile. But lately she started with the comments again about why don’t you take care of this instead, do something fun, etc. She rarely gets free time due to work/school so I think she’s projecting her displeasure by taking it out me for sitting on my computer playing video games with my friends. This is usually 1-2 hours per day, or 10 hours a week.
My issue is that when she’s done with her degree she will probably start nagging me more about the video games. Sometimes I would tell her I was going to play for an hour or two before she started her degree and she would get annoyed with me. It really pissed me off, as I need that time with my friends and to unwind.
I’ve told her this in the past and how it upsets me she has such a negative view of them, but she dismisses it and says “I just don’t understand it, like why don’t you go to the gym, take care of x, or do something else?” Then she’s annoyed and we just start a new day the next day. It happens every once in awhile.
Basically in an ideal world, I would spend 1-2 hours on average per day playing video games.
But I don’t think she would accept that as she would just get increasingly annoyed about it especially after she finishes her degree and has free time again. Is it unrealistic for me to want this time to myself, or occasionally play with friends once or twice a week? It is my only hangup on proposing to her, as I don’t want to spend my life feeling ‘guilty’ or upsetting her for spending my free time playing video games.
TLDR: I like to get an hour or two a day to play video games with my friends, my girlfriend doesn’t understand why I play them instead of doing productive things, and it’s causing problems in my relationship.
6 comments
How much time do you spend with her?
Your video game playing days are over, friend. To her, you’re literally starting at a fake screen with fake looking characters flying around. She doesn’t want to understand it.
It’ll only get worse. I’ve dated guys that had gfs that hated video games, too. Even if your gf doesn’t like video games, they are refusing to enjoy seeing you happy.
Too much is when it reasonably affects your ability to put time into your relationship and household. This can look very different for each couple.
For example if you were playing video games and never cleaned and/or spent time with your partner. It doesn’t matter if that’s 10 hours a week or 100
On the other hand you are allowed to relax how you want. For my family my husband plays 2 hours Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday he plays 4 – 6 hours and every other Friday he plays 4 hours. Saturday and Sunday is family time.
He also cleans, takes care of the kid, and usually does all the grocery shopping and meal planning. I get the same amount of time to do what I want. My 4-6 hours are Tuesday.
I would tell her “we get time every day to do what we want. You want to get your masters and that’s what you use your time for. I don’t and can use my time for what I want. I understand this isn’t what you would put your time into and I’m not asking you to. Please don’t ask me to put my time into what you value and I don’t.”
Then ask her if there’s something that needs to be done that you’re not doing because that’s a valid issue
I have a question, just from her perspective. When you’re not around, is she laying around doing nothing for hours at a time or does she pick up the house, do some laundry, often something productive? I was a former gamer and I’m older now (late 30s) but if you hop in to your games during every free chance you get, you need to ask yourself if you really are pulling your weight. It’s hard to admit and really think from her perspective. How happy would she be if she came home and the grass was cut and the dishes put away?
There are a couple of things. You don’t need to get her to understand the value of video games just accept that they are your hobby of choice. Sounds similar but totally diffrent goals.
That said this seems less like it’s about the video games and more about growth. What are your goals for the next few years. How do they align with hers. Whats her next step career wise post degree, how does that align with your current career trajectory? What are you doing to further your career?
You’ve said that you work 50 hours a week and do all the work around the house as well…so it’s not like you aren’t pulling your weight.
You need to sit down and have a serious conversation about this. Be honest and tell her that you don’t like how she tries to discourage you from how you spend your free time. You said in a comment that one of the things she does in her alone time is watching a show. Ask her how she would feel if when she was doing that, if you started saying the things she does to you when she sees you gaming. Ask that in a respectful way, don’t pose that question aggressively.