Hi, longtime lurker but finally have something to ask the internet for advice.
I (26M) have been seeing my now girlfriend who I’ll call Leah (23F) for just over a year. Things have been great, I’ve met her parents and she will meet my mum soon. She’s an extremely caring and empathetic person whom I really get along with, have shared interests and trust. I love her and I can feel her love for me too.
Generally I’m quite a chill person and don’t worry a whole lot but in this situation the problem is my own one where from past experiences in previous relationships there has nearly always been another guy friend or ex boyfriend involved which led to situations that left me feeling insecure and I think for valid reasons. I set poor boundaries with myself and others partner’s in the past which has led me to getting hurt.
A new situation arose where my last week Leah up ended talking to a guy street party that we were at. She’s very outgoing which is one of her attributes but the guy then asked if she wanted to meet up for coffee/get a drink. She told the guy that she has a boyfriend and it would purely be at friend level. She also asked if I was ok with this as we’ve had conversations in the past about my insecurities and knows how I can feel. I said yes although in my own head was hesitant but I truly do trust her.
So then last night Leah goes for drinks with the guy and was out for several hours with him. We texted a bit so I knew how she was but in my head my mind was spinning with all sorts of uncomfortable thoughts and ideas for the majority of the evening. By the end of the night I had asked her to call me and then I eventually went over to her house as I was feeling quite upset and stressed.
We talked a bit that night and more in the morning. I asked her to not hang out with guy anymore as it brought up this horrible familiar headspace I have experienced in other relationships. She said yes although I understand this isn’t easy for her either having to deal with my insecurity too. It was quite emotional for both of us.
I think my fear/insecurity at its most basic level is that I’m afraid of being hurt like in the past where another emotional connection is shared with some other guy and it detracts from my relationship.
Alongside this I think I have some minor parent trauma from growing up which may affect my attachment/security needs so the combination of these two things together can be truly splendid
I don’t want this issue to get in the way of my relationship with Leah, I think she is very special and I’m invested in us.
I guess my question is how can I overcome this part of my brain as it’s something I have struggled with for a long time now
And at what point does my insecurity end and my boundaries begin?
How comfortable am I with Leah and hanging out with other guys in situations such as this?
I want her to have friends and grow as a person too
TL;DR: My girlfriend whom I trust fully went for drinks with a new guy and was clear to the him that her intentions that it as friends. Despite this, due to my previous relationships I can feel insecure about situations like this and I asked her to not see him again. How can I overcome this insecurity, find a way that I don’t worry and she doesn’t have to concede fully with things like this?