Basic detail on me – I’m a biomed student, I’m pretty attractive (I used to model) but not insanely so, I’m active and love the gym, love to read, draw, cook, I pride myself on being funny, a little odd and an interesting person to converse with.
So my three dating experiences have been as follows:
Suitor 1: My first ever dating experience. Talked for almost a year online, met up twice but saw each other around the gym a lot. We were planning on having a proper meet up at his house and the day before I saw him at the beach with his supposed ex girlfriend. Turns out he’d been seeing her the whole time. Oh, and also he was incredibly controlling and abusive towards her, blamed her for his insecurities and eating disorder, has a drug reliance problem and is a pathological liar. Throughout the whole time we were talking he used a lot of language of being ‘obsessed’ with me, putting me on a pedestal, and still to this day I hear that he talks about me all the time to friends of friends.
Suitor 2: Met through a mutual friend. He lived in London, I do not. He was incredible on paper, army cadet, male model, incredibly fit and talented at many sports, competitive tennis player, skilled at art, cooking and poetry, from a very well-to-do family. We spoke online for about a week or two before meeting, it got intense very quickly – he was talking about how he’d never felt this way about anyone, opening up about his depression, asking me to come to Italy with his family that summer, wanting something real with me. The catch is he was moving to New Zealand to join the military in two months so he and I both KNEW that we couldn’t have anything serious. I travelled to London in the summer and hung out with him for a whole day – we.had a pretty nice time, I went back to his house and met his dad and brother. Within the span of a week or two, he would get upset and insecure about sarcastic banter that was fine at the beginning, essentially confess his love for me, get bitter that I didn’t show the same extreme displays of emotion, get angry and self-pitying that I wasn’t texting enough when I was at a festival with no service. I sent him a well-worded text and broke it off, telling him that he was deserving of love but I wasn’t the right person and the distance situation wouldn’t work, but that if his mental health was ever really struggling then I would always care and be there for him. He text me intermittently a few times since, telling me he got into the army etc. I would see a lot of his TikTok reposts being about longing, wanting to break no contact, unrequited love. Then a few months ago he text again and he struck up a proper conversation, he mentioned again how he loved me at the time and really wanted something serious, I was kind but properly shut it down and said we need to move on, I told him I barely use my phone anymore which is true. That was the end of that. (Although he STILL reposts TikToks that can only be about me).
Current suitor: Once again another guy that looks great on paper: Male model (the most handsome and well-built guy I’ve ever seen – abs like a cobblestone street lol), medical student (I also want to study medicine after studying biomedical sciences) at a very prestigious London uni, very skilled at sports, cooking, funny, rides a motorbike. We met on Hinge – somehow by fate my ‘like’ was at the top of the pile of 2.7k (?!?!!) likes that he hasn’t sifted through when he opened the app and we really clicked right away, and moved off of Hinge onto text, he literally told me he was deleting hinge having met me and sent me a screen recording of him doing it. I can’t say that I didn’t kinda love that he did that, it was a nice gesture, but kind of a red flag in that obsessive genre again. Also, I told him he was hot and he was adamant he wasn’t – but there’s no way you look like he does and don’t think you’re hot (I know hot people can have insecurities too though) – and mentioned how he has no social media and got bullied for two years because his girlfriend cheated on him with the entire rugby team. Great, just when I think it’s going well and I’ve found a great guy, I find out about some intense trauma. He seems like he’s over it though, I think. I hope this is heading in the right direction as I really like him, he has a busy life obviously with medicine and doesn’t text too much because he’s studying all day, which hopefully is a good sign that he won’t get obsessive- but there does seem to be a pattern in the types of guys I attract.
TLDR : dating history: a pathological liar with an eating disorder and a drug problem who was obsessed with me and is to this day, a ‘good on paper’ guy who actually has depression and became obsessed with me to the point of being in love after a week, another ‘good on paper’ guy who is definitely insecure, has past relationship trauma, and who deleted Hinge an hour after talking to me.
I want to make it clear I’m not hating on people for having mental health problems or trauma, I’m just pointing out the pattern in the guys I’ve dated and I’m at a loss as to why I can’t just attract a healthy person, and as to why people become obsessed with me and have intense feelings very quickly. I just want to have a healthy dating life and healthy relationship. I feel that these people may put me on a pedestal and see me as the answer to their problems, but I don’t know why or how to avoid this.
Any advice or thoughts would be so appreciated – particularly any insights on the current guy I’m seeing – thank you!