My husband tried to make me feel guilty for trying to reach out and understand him. I didn’t reach out to reprimand him. I tried to figure out a new way to understand him so I didn’t feel like walking on eggshells.
In the past and very recently, he would criticize me for not being mentally there in the morning; I am not a morning person and need time to ramp up, so I would be aloof and tired. I have explained this to him. We would have these arguments where it’s heated and that I shouldn’t behave this way. These arguments caught me by surprise so I remembered them. I’ve learned his social cues that would lead into arguments, so I tried to be proactive about addressing it by directly by asking him if he is okay and he would say he’s fine. Similar to the past, same social cues, before he gets mad, he would pretend everything is okay, but holds his anger in, looks bothered, the burst will happen soon. I kept asking him, concerned that it was the case, trying to avoid another temper filled morning. We reached to an understanding that it was actually nothing. I gave him context my original concern to give him the rationale of having to ask him multiple times (how he would get mad at the way I was behaving in the morning) and that this new context helps me relearn him. He then gets mad, telling me it’s the past, and it’s triggering for him to re-visit. I often have told him it’s not the past, it’s recurring, it’s something I have to unlearn and relearn. I told him I needed context because the social cues I was picking up were the same. He then blames me for nitpicking the word “past” and making it a big deal about this situation. I told him that he often uses the word “past” to dismiss what I am telling him; i told him it’s not a past if it repeats. Then he goes into gaslight mode, trying to win the argument. I realized no explanation at this point would go thru, we’re not communicating. This has been many years experiencing it, recent years working on it. I’m tired of it so I wanted to get my own space. I’m not going to entertain his ego of winning again, not on a Sunday morning.
When I tried to walk to another room, upset that our morning conversation turned out this way. He tried to block me from going into bed. I said you promised not to block me, and he said “I didn’t promise shit”.
I locked myself in another room to get my privacy. I didn’t have water, breakfast, or any caffeine yet. I don’t understand men. He was raised by a single parent gas lighter who never admit when she was wrong. I am worried he’s incapable of change due to his upbringing. He has made considerable changes, but I’m tired of getting these moments with him. I have hated mornings because of him and MIL when she lived with us (who is kicked out now). It feels like I’m in a relationship with someone bipolar. How do you get thru with someone like this? Or if change is impossible, how do I survive in this relationship? He has blamed me for throwing a nice Sunday away by staying mad at him; he expects me to quickly accept his apologies once he apologizes. This time I’m too tired to accept a half assed apology. I hate mornings.
Talking candidly with the person I find doesn’t help when they are in gaslight mode, and even when they’re not angry, it doesn’t translate into these moments or can spiral into worse like this one. Talking candidly has been our goal we agreed to talk thru because there was no good communication. I thought we were trying to understand each other. He has many unexpected triggers I have to avoid, and I myself having a PTSD from his random criticisms/anger, and if I ever mention it, it gets dismissed as something of the “past” so I should let go? He’s confused why I don’t trust him. To me, what’s the point of building a history if I have to let go a past that keeps repeating. Walking on eggshells is tiring. I realize I’m developing my own.
Now I’m thinking, I know not to mention my intentions with him anymore/share context because he gets angry. I also learned he is incapable of changing since maybe it’s just who he is as a person, this is probably the understanding of him that makes sense to me. Can anyone share survival techniques in a relationship like this?