How have you dealt with the pain that you didn’t have a normal childhood?

30 comments

  1. i had no respect for adults so i saw what they did as the wrong way and just avoided doing those things.

    basically learned what *not* to do from a bunch of idiots with zero emotional maturity who demanded respect simply because they survived that long.

    edit: as for dealing with the pain, i was very angry at my parents and it got worse the older i got and the more i realized.

    i get over it thru reparations. make my mom pay for my phone bill and i charge my dad 100s for doing simple shit for him like his taxes and filling out paperwork and doing things on the computer.

    theyve never apologized for shit and dont even remember some things that i bring up or they skirt around the topic 🙄 i expect ni reconciliation at this point. they just exist in the background while i try to navigate adulthood with this bipolar disorder i developed due to their shitty parenting and abuse

  3. It is something I’ll probably struggle with for the rest of my life. I do feel like I shy away from those patterns but now I’ve created issues to the other extreme!

  5. Therapy and self-analysis. You break the cycle by seeing it, acknowledging it, and changing it. Also by going no contact with those people.

  8. And she shouts out at the top of a mountain “Therapy be thy name!”

  9. Therapy…lots and lots of therapy, a husband willing to lovingly call me on my bullshit who I also wanted to be better for, getting physical distance from home, healthy boundaries, recognizing that I would repeat the patterns I grew up with if I didn’t recognize where I needed to change and make those changes, forgiveness, learning grace over judgment, and also learning that we’re all doing our best with the tools we’ve been given.

  10. I’m skeptical I ever would have decided that I wanted kids otherwise, but I did decide I definitely didn’t want them in part because of what I went through going up. Otherwise, I’m still working on it. Probably will be for the rest of my life. But I’m pretty pleased with the handle I’ve got on things at this point and I’m the happiest and stablest I’ve ever been.

  11. An unhealthy amount of therapy, and a very supportive boyfriend turned husband.

  12. I think what has been the most helpful was disconnecting from my family. It’s been 5 years.

    I continue to work on myself, the ACA 12 step program has given me actual tools to be able to find moments of peace and acceptance.

    As for “overcome”… I don’t think I ever will. I marinated in crazy for decades, this is best I can do right now, and I think I’ll always be working to quiet those critical voices in my head.

  13. Still working on it with the help of my husband. My mom wasn’t around consistently because she was busy partying and drinking with her (now ex) husband. My dad wasn’t the warm and loving type although he was a lot more stable than my mother, he just didn’t seem all that interested in raising kids. I had to look after my sister a lot while balancing school, sports, and the desire to do normal kid/teenage things.

    My mom had a horrible temper. To this day I struggle to set boundaries with her because, despite being a grown adult living in a whole different country, I’m still scared of her temper. I still live in fear of her taking everything away from me even though it’s not possible. I’m a major people pleaser because I learned early on to keep the peace and go along with whatever she wanted. My husband is trying to help me overcome that. He encourages me to make decisions on my own and offers constructive criticism when I make a mistake (an actual mistake, not just a decision he disagrees with).

    It’s a day to day struggle. But now it’s my turn to break the cycle and give my daughter a better childhood than I had.

  14. therapy, and the one thing that i learned and carry with me is that i have to be better than who my toxic parents were to me, they were awful towards me but i can learn to grow and be better people then who they were/are so that really gave me a push

  16. Therapy, a lot of self reflection to see if my own sensitivities made my life harder, telling my childhood story to beloved friends…their affirmation that “it wasn’t me” helped so much, and finally, finding as much forgiveness as I possibly can since my parents were very broken and my dad had mental illness so I have learned that yeah, they fucked me up, but they probably were doing the best they could at the time.

  20. Therapy to deal with the baggage and being conscious of what was normalized to me. I basically went with if they do it, I should question it. We did CBT and following through with creating new patterns by reparenting myself did wonders.

    It was conscious for me that the partner I’m with be not on the same journey, come from a non dysfunctional family. They really helped create a space to let me grow without triggering me or adding more toxic values. I dated folks from fucked up families and I was at first this is great they will GET IT and it just personally made it worse when they were stuck in their own mental hells that clashed with mine.

  21. A buttload of therapy, research, working on myself and being patient with myself.

  22. Just started really addressing the unhealthy patterns the last couple of years. I got out of a relationship, didn’t date anyone, just sat in my house and looked at myself lol.

    Probably should have done it with a therapist. I often feel like I’m retraumatizing myself, so yeah would recommend a therapist.

    Other than that..meditation. honestly it has changed my life, it helps me look inwards and has taught me to trust myself. It helps me maintain self awareness in a way that is detached, not so caught up in the drama of it all.

    Journaling is indispensable. It helps you get off the merry go round of your mind and gives your thoughts somewhere to go.

    Explore the mind body connection. Feelings are created by the mind but they exist in the body. Take a lot of time to just sit with and explore the way your emotions feel in the body.

    Learn to control your nervous system with breathing. Recognize the physical symptoms of being emotionally dysregulated and how to breathe through it.

    Learn about attachment theory and figure out your attachment style.

    Do things that makes you and only you happy and learn to enjoy your own company rather than wanting to escape it. And it doesn’t count if you like being alone so you can disassociate. Really learn to be present with yourself.

    These are probably the most important things that I try to make a point to do daily in order to maintain equilibrium so that I don’t fall back into unhealthy patterns. It’s work and I’m not sure if it will ever not be work.

  24. I’m still trying to navigate out of the dysfunctional home. I developed severe anxiety and depression from it. I was seeing therapist all through out my childhood and my local town doesn’t have the best therapists. Apparently I’m following in my moms footsteps though because I just got out of a 4 year long abusive relationship…

  26. I treat myself better and make sure I treat others with fairness. Not overcompensate but if there is something I wanted as a kid and I still want as an adult (whether it’s a material item or something more intangible), I’ll get it. I’m currently preggers with twins and I make sure that when I interact with one, I interact with the other too. I strive to show no favoritism.

  27. Had to learn slowly that it’s okay for me to just be mediocre. That I don’t have to feel like I’m always a failure for not being super successful at life.

  28. I am still learning. I think the most helpful thing has been moving out & having my own space. For myself, I needed to have my own space to truly understand the impacts of my childhood & to learn how these things have manifested in my own life & in my behaviours. Most importantly, I needed my own safe & comfortable place to heal & to feel.

    Though I did not have the childhood I wanted & the childhood that every child deserves, I am still learning I can give to myself what others did not. I no longer seek refuge in the beds of temporary lovers or by numbing myself or by destroying myself. I have chosen to deal with the pain by letting it in, grieving what could have been, & by creating a life I am proud of.

    Practice mindfulness & keep developing your self-awareness. Be curious about yourself & remember that you deserve compassion for your experiences. When you recognize an unhealthy pattern, try to understand it. *How did it come to be? What is it’s motive(protection, avoidance, etc.)? Where does this stem from(abandonment, neglect, etc.)? How does this serve me?*

    Connect with your inner child. When you come from a dysfunctional home, chances are that you become distanced from your inner child. I abandoned my own inner child & if I’m being honest, I know that she still does not fully trust me. I connect with my inner child by writing to her, making her favourite comfort food, snuggling my stuffed animals, watching animated shows & movies. When I think of my child self, all I dearly want to do is just hold her & protect her. I want to tell her that she deserves better & that I love her so much — so I do this. I tell myself this in the mirror. Part of healing is allowing yourself to truly feel this pain & integrating it. Knowing that it does not define you & that you can create better for yourself. It is knowing you deserved better then, & you deserve better now.

    Depending on what unhealthy pattern or behaviour one has, that pain & hurt does not only affect us. We need to be aware of how we are also impacting others. We deserve better, but so do all the others that we hurt because we were hurting. This harm, i like to believe is usually unintentional, but that does not make it any the less valid. Learning to take accountability & to hold myself accountable has been one of the biggest things I have learned. It is also one of the lessons I am the most grateful for.

    Sending hugs to everyone that resonates with this thread <3 you are loved

  29. Slowly and over time. I’d say it has been around six years since I really fully confronted my trauma. A couple of my darkest years yet passed. It has been four since I decided I wanted to be better. For my own self, not for anybody else.

    My depression waned first, followed very quickly (around 1-2 months) by my anxiety. (I’d never had anxiety before, but I know exactly what I did to cause it. Two years’ chokehold it had on me. It was the *worst* symptom I’d ever had.)

    I’ve been contented with bouts of shiny optimism (a personality trait of mine that I *love* and am promoting rn) for nearly the last year. I’m 33 years old. 🙂

    No time like the present!

  30. I returned the favour and kept receipts of them doing it to me so when family members call me out on things I just whip out whatever I have and go “so do we both change or is this gonna be the new dynamic?” plus I limit the time I spend on useless “discussions” and walk away when I know they don’t listen.

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