Hi, this is my first post; I wanted some advice.
Honestly, I hate all of my school friends. Even my closest. I try my best to be a good friend by listening and being overall kind, and they seem to have fun. No one dislikes me, but I never get anything back from it. I have no one to lean on for comfort, and no one I feel I can truly show myself with. I’m never their number 1 choice, despite how I try to be a great friend to them. I’m not faking my sincerity either. I just treat others how I would like to be treated one day.
I’m an outgoing smiley person who you’ll never see in a bad mood. I usually respond quickly to any messages, and make sure they never feel bad. I try to listen, even though I prefer talking. If they ask for help, I will go the extra mile like calling them so they can thoroughly understand. I take attention on the smallest details such as never leaving someone on read. It’s just my personality I guess. I don’t quite understand why I do this myself and yet when someone doesn’t do the same for me, I feel this bitter emotion. Finding new friends isn’t an option as there aren’t much people to even befriend.
I don’t even know what my hatred comes from. Maybe I secretly hate my friends because I can’t truly get along with any of them. Or maybe I’m just upset that I’m nobody’s favorite despite my efforts. “At least I have friends”, I think to myself. But I just want to figure out why I’m feeling this way and what I can do to solve it.