‘21m’ and my gf, ‘21f’. Dating 1 year and half…. Last night my gf and I got into it again, at 2 am. As soon as the argument started I told her that I did not want to argue that late and would rather talk about it the next day. She said that she did because I would forget what happened the next day. While she makes a valid argument that I am forgetful, it’s also valid that it’s 2 am and I don’t want to argue that late at night. I start to get rude and interrupted her, saying that I want to sleep, and she started to say that me being rude was hurting her feelings. I said yeah I am still sleepy and I want to go to sleep.
I wasn’t there for her and her feelings, I was just so focused on sleeping, and I felt really bad about it the next day when I woke up. So I began to look up similar situations online in order to see what people think regarding situations like that, and I decided that I was definitely an asshole. So I thought back to remember what I did and later at night I called her.
She was understandably upset and raised her voice and interrupted me a lot. When she talked about the night before she said that she would never do that to me. I told her that she has done things that were on a worse level and decided that she didn’t want to talk about it that night. She said I was getting off topic and that I shouldn’t bring up things she has done when talking about something that I have done. She said that I should have started with an apology instead of talking about anything else. This left me in a position where I felt I just had to say something, but I didn’t and I kept it in my head. In my head I know that there has been worse situations where she did not start with an apology. Instead of saying this I said okay I’ll start with an apology now.
I told her that I was sorry of how I handled the night before, I am sorry that I was not there for her. I said that I have been working towards our relationship getting better and that moment does not build up to that. She said that she feels our relationship is getting worse and that we shouldn’t be having arguments. (This is where my question comes in soon.)
I responded what do you mean we shouldn’t be having arguments. She says we should have disagreements, such as liking the room cold vs hot. We should not be having arguments. I said maybe that’s where a big piece of a puzzle comes into play. Things feel worse for you because arguments “shouldn’t be happening”. I told her that is not how I feel. I feel that arguments are healthy and can lead to better future. Bad arguments like “why did little Timmy say that he wanted to play ball, but then you said you had something to do like always” that’s what I told her is a bad argument that shouldn’t happen. But this, this is an argument, and arguments will always happen. Essentially she doesn’t agree. And is definitive in her statement.
TDLR: Are arguments unhealthy or healthy?
Are disagreements instead of arguments better for a healthier relationship?
Is it realistic to only have disagreements?
Is it possible/ reasonable to have minimal arguments in a relationship?