Okay so I (20F) have been with my boyfriend (21M) for 2 years and we currently live together. I want to start this off by saying I love my boyfriend but I know his behaviors are not okay. I also know me flirting with someone else was extremely shitty and I’ve been super depressed over it.
In the recent months, my boyfriends behavior gradually changed. He started losing his temper more and more and I was worried he was genuinely falling out of love with me. He became more aggressive and started to get physical during arguments (grabbing me, shaking me, punching objects close to me but never actually hitting me.) which would scare me a lot. I don’t want to paint him out as a horrible boyfriend because he isn’t. Up to this point he’d been my best friend and I felt like our honeymoon stage was never going to end. He buys me flowers and gifts regularly, he pays most of the bills and rent, he spends lots of time with my siblings and everything else.
He started to lose his temper more often over things out of our control like his car breaking down, plans being canceled, etc. But whenever I tried to say anything he becomes overstimulated and upset with me. If I was ever upset over something not pertaining to our relationship, he didn’t want to hear it anymore and was very dismissive of my feelings. I started to feel suffocated in my relationship.
I started confiding in my close friend (30M). I had only told my best girl friend about my boyfriends scary outbursts but this day I was just so overwhelmed so I ranted to my male friend about how my boyfriend had screamed at me the entire ride to work because I was upset over our apartment being so messy and him not wanting to help clean up. I ended up crying and going into work with runny mascara, it was a mess. We started talking on the phone for about 3 consecutive days about trivial things like my days at work. This already felt wrong because my boyfriend doesn’t like this friend because he had had feelings for me previously (years back).
It had only been the fourth day of us talking on the phone daily when I did something I severely regret. This friend told me he still had feelings for me, despite me having a boyfriend all this time and previously rejecting him. He kept telling me how attractive I was and how easy I am to talk to and it just felt so nice to be wanted and talk to someone who listened to my thoughts. I definitely made it clear to him that I love my boyfriend and didn’t think I could ever leave him, especially considering we live together. However, I did admit attraction to my friend. We had some light flirting and sexual talking (him telling me his sexual thoughts about me and vice versa). I felt extremely anxious about this the next day and couldn’t even look my boyfriend in the eyes. I felt so guilty I didn’t eat for 2 days and I was just so anxious 24/7.
My boyfriend and I recently went on a trip where we talked over everything that had been previously wrong in our relationship. I told him I didn’t feel loved and that I really wanted him to stop screaming at me and I was starting to feel like his behavior was becoming abusive. I really feel like we patched things up over this trip and I had a lot of fun bonding and reconciling with my boyfriend. I didn’t even think of my male friend because I felt like I was falling in love with my boyfriend all over again.
Today, I got a text from my male friend. He was basically saying how he felt bad for flirting with me and that I should definitely tell my boyfriend what happened. I know I should and I want to. But I know for sure if I tell him, we’ll break up and I’ll be out of a place to live (living with parents is not an option, all other family doesn’t live in my country.) I simply can’t afford this place or anywhere else on my own salary. I also still feel so in love with my boyfriend. I can’t imagine being without him. I’m terrified of losing him and even more terrified of his reaction. I don’t want to cause another anger outburst. I love my boyfriend so much. His good heavily outweighs his bad.
I don’t know what to do now. I feel so guilty. My male friend insists that I cheated on my boyfriend because we talked about our sexual thoughts. I understand this can be seen as emotional cheating. I can’t sleep because im feeling so guilty. Can someone give me any piece of advice at all?