I (31F) came to know that my father (62M) used to be married at some point before he married my mother (57F). To date, I don’t know the reason of the dissolution of that marriage (whether she died, or they just got a divorce).
When I was 25 (2015) I found a b&w photo of an unknown woman in a drawer in our home and asked my father who it was. He teared up immediately and told me he’d tell me another day. I went to my mum with the photo and she just grunted and asked me to ask my dad for details. I didn’t get an answer from them that day, even though I lightheartedly joked that it must be dad’s old flame.
In 2020, during lockdown, my mum accidentally let slip during a phone conversation that dad had had a previous marriage. I was unable to get any further details from her because the moment she realised that she’d slipped up, she totally clammed up. I did however, manage to put two and two together and realised that the woman in that photo must’ve been his first wife.
The last time I saw my parents in real life was 2019 (they’re in India, I live in the UK) – the phone conversation happened while I was in the UK. I’ve never had a chance to confront them face to face on the matter. I feel hurt and lied to (by omission) and recently tried telling my mother that it was shocking how they handled the situation. Her response was that it was not ‘her story to tell’, since it was about my father’s past before he met my mum. I argued that by omitting a crucial piece of family history, they’d been enabling me to build a false impression of my family. It’s not like I was expressing voyeuristic interest about my father’s sexual exploits and previous partners – it’s about something more serious – an actual marriage. I feel like I have a right to know, and I think hiding it from me for this long (well into adulthood) and the bungling way I came to know about it – were completely unacceptable.
Are my parents right to withhold this kind of information from me? I now feel like I can’t trust them about anything, and that many of the important foundational details of my family might just be another lie waiting to be uncovered.
Sidenote: When I was a child, my parents used to joke, whenever my father was late from work, that he was visiting his “other son” in a different city, and that he was busy bringing that son gifts (while I got none). (Of course I always hated those jokes and would frequently get upset over them.) After I came to know of the previous marriage, it opened up all sorts of weird insecurities/apprehensions that this fictional son might actually be real and that there are other missing jigsaw puzzles that my parents are hiding from me.
**Edit, additional note (pasted from comments section because it might be relevant)**: There was a lot of DV in our family, growing up. My dad was always the instigator, and my mother would react with violence in some cases as a way of self defence. All through that, I kept wondering why they didn’t split up. Of course, my mother would have a hard time looking after me, she was only a housewife (and no plausible means of earning). And there was no way I’d have elected to stay with my father. Thinking of my parents’ marriage as their only marriage somehow made it an easier pill to swallow (that there was DV, that my mother chose to stay with the abuser even after all that etc) – but somehow knowing she wasn’t even his first choice, that there were other lies fed to my mom’s family as the wedding preparations were underway (lies propagated by my dad’s family, but covertly supported by my dad) – and that on top of all that, there’s a potentially unsolved mystery of this first marriage – it’s just a lot to take. I also keep wondering if the first wife divorced him because of DV, or whether she died tragically and my father took out the anger/hurt of that loss on my mother.
**TL;DR:** Parents withheld the information that father was married once before, and now I question everything. Were they right in hiding this information from me?
21 comments
Their business, not yours really.
Your curious,that’s human nature, but no real right to know.
Isnt divorce a bit taboo in India? Perhaps thats why its a bit difficult topic to bring up
Parents are entitled to privacy. They don’t need to tell you who they were with in their past, it’s irrelevant to you really. Now, if you have a half brother I think it’s unfair of them to hide that from you and him. Otherwise, it’s their life. If you choose not to trust them because of it that’s your decision. Personally, I don’t see the big deal.
It’s none of your business. None. They didn’t just start to exist once you were born. They had years and years of being a person and having relationships that you were never a part of. It’s weird you keep pushing this, I feel bad for your folks. I’m the same age as you and I can’t imagine haranguing my parents over a past relationship- especially when the first time you questioned the picture your dad started crying. Do you care at all about his feelings? Drop it and apologize for being so intrusive. Maybe some day he will tell you, but it’s certainly not up to you if he does.
With the new info- fuck his feelings. I’d cut off abusive dad and move on with your life. Hopefully your mom will come around and take you up on your offer before he kills her.
Maybe do a dna test? For what it’s worth, my dad traveled for work and always made the same joke when he would come home. It’s not true in the slightest, we never ever took it seriously- just him being a goof.
You’re absolutely in the wrong pressuring your mother about this. Like she said, it’s not her story to tell. I think you’re trying to make this about you when it’s not about you.
You have no right to know more about your parents’ lives than they wish to share with you. That’s not one of the obligations of parenthood. Respect their privacy. Respect their boundaries.
It’s none of your business.
Your parents sex life isn’t your business. They aren’t obligated to tell you about their past. You aren’t entitled to know the details of their personal lives. Stop prying.
My parents had a whole life before they had me. There are a ton of things I don’t know about my mom’s life before she had me. And, frankly, I don’t want to know.
I know it’s hard because they did lie to you, but at the same time, this is their story to hold onto and do with as they well. It’s clear that they love you and love each other. One day, they might be able to tell you, but don’t ruin your relationship with them now because of it.
Withheld? That’s their biz
How would knowing about your dad’s previous marriage have changed your foundational view of your own family? I get that they kept this info private, and joked in ways that were legitimately hurtful when you were younger. But what does your family mean to you that knowledge of his previous marriage would have changed?
Honestly you are so wrong here. It is none of your business what your parents did before you. Hell it isn’t your business what their relationship now is like. That’s is their business as a couple and has nothing to do with you. You are honestly quite entitled to think you have any right to that information.
It literally doesn’t matter and as far as your mom not being his first choice it happened before they even met so he was already divorced it’s none of your business
I saw the update for this. And I’m gonna say, even if your parents have these issues and your relationship with them is awful, that just makes it even more apparent that you need to leave this alone.
You know what this first marriage confirms? That your dad is a jerk and he has always been a jerk.
Please, get a grip.
Your parents had lives before you were born. Will you divulge every unsuccessful relationship to your future children? I highly doubt it. That’s weird.
Just let it go. It’s not our place as children to know EVERYTHING about our parents. They are entitled to their privacy as much as we are.
OP, I understand that you, and your mother, have had a difficult life at the hands of your father. That said, your parent’s personal lives, before they got married to each other, and became your parents, are none of your business.
Your parents were fully formed people who had full lives before they decided to marry and have you. They are not required to divulge every detail of those live to you, and you are not entitled to demand that from them.
If you had ever, ever found out about this previous marriage, would that have changed your childhood at all? It would not. Your father’s previous marriage had, and has, no bearing on your childhood.
Any your mother is right. It’s not her story to tell. If you NEED answers, you should direct your questions to your father. But keep in mind that he has no obligation to tell you anything.
You also need to realize that this omission, all alone, is NOT something that should make you question everything. If they were both withholding knowledge of half siblings, that might be something else, but a previous marriage with no children is a nothingburger.
I think re your edit, that you’re missing the forest for the trees. Is it weird that your parents never told you about a prior marriage? Probably. Is the bigger problem that your dad is abusive and you grew up in an extremely toxic environment, and this omission is triggering that for you? Absolutely. If you haven’t pursued therapy to deal with the abusive environment you grew up in, I’d recommend it.
You can drop your DNA into Ancestry to see if the brother jokes were real. You can check official records for marriage records and divorce records and even police reports. You can also imply you know more than you do to a family member who will tell you the story.
We ALL deal with realizing our parents are not who we imagined they were. This is an important part of becoming an adult. Grieve the loss of the illusion and move on.
Hey OP. I’ve literally had this experience (finding out my dad was married before he met my mom). And I think everyone is being unnecessarily harsh with you. It can be such a mind trip to discover that a huge part of your family’s past was just glossed over. I know for me it’s part of a pattern that my dad doesn’t talk about his past, and it’s hard and weird to try to piece together how my dad came to be the person he is. If your dad were a kind man, I’d just suggest talking to him about your feelings. I felt a lot better talking it through with my dad. But your dad is abusive. I don’t think you’ll get the honesty and vulnerability you want from him. The question is, what will be better, that you ask and he refuses to talk about it, or not bringing it up?
you aren’t entitled to know 100% of your parent’s life and you’re being incredibly weird about this. do you tell your parents every single thing in your life? I’m guessing not. their world doesn’t actually revolve around you. they existed for much longer than you and they obviously didn’t just sit in a room until you were born.
You are being shouted down here, but I get where you are coming from. Multiple marriages are definitely out of the norm here in India.
If I found out suddenly that one of my parents were married before, I would be feeling all sorts of ways too – especially if the current marriage isn’t any good.
I don’t know if there is anything you can do about it though if both your parents don’t want to talk to you about it.