i ’22M’ am thinking about letting go or not of my ’24F’ girlfriend of 2 years. I really love this girl and the last thing i wanna do is leave her. i want her to be happy, but i think i’m not the right guy for her. I suffer with BPD and it has caused tons of problems between us. I have broken her trust by hiding thing of my past or hiding people i talked with. she is always anxious i cheated on her or that i continue to hide stuff from her. (would never cheat on her and she knows about all my exs). we’ve been going like this for 9 months since she found out of a night i had with a girl a few years before i started dating with my girlfriend. i hid that night from her cause i felt ashamed about it and regretted it from the same night it happened.
she also doesnt trust me with my ex since she talked to me in the street 2 times and i didnt sent her straight to hell when see approached me. i also
“defended” her sometimes by saying see wasnt so sh!tty when we dated. (i didnt care of defending her, i just wanted to make my past choises seem less bad). i have done tones of BS during our relationship and i feel horrible of being such a
sh!tty partner. A year ago she broke up with me because she couldnt handle my BPD and deteriorating mental health, i couldnt blame her. i ended up attempting unaliving after a while and she was the one that took me to the hospital. after that we got back together and were fine until the incident of her finding out of the thing i did with that girl a few years ago. i’ve brought tons of instability and traumas in her life and i can’t fix it. i went to therapy, changed my manners, way i dress, people i hang around, no longer talk with anyone of the opposite sex close to our age, buy her gifts, try to give her the attention and affection she wants and deserves, dont hide stuff from her and even let her search my phone so she can verify im not hiding something. But the situation is still the same, no matter the effort, she still isnt comfortable with me, still insecure, still bursts at the smallest things cause i’m of built up anger, still fills dissapointed with me, still talks to me like trash and still suffers. how can i improve the situation if it still can be saved.