Hi. I dont have anyone to talk to about this so I am posting it here, feel free to give any ideas on what I can do.
My partner and I have been together nearly 8 years, and we met when we were teenagers. We had took each others virginity and explored sex together, but he was always much more enthusiastic about sex. Back then, he would often pressure me into having sex. He would never physically force me, but often I was not into doing it (I had a lot of anxiety) but he would emotionally manipulate me and/or keep asking until I would agree. For a year this happened, and because of this I guess i had built up some kind of trauma and resentment toward him, eventually we broke up.
Fast forward many years later we reunited and he was a whole different man. He was more respectful than ever, he had overall just grown up in so many ways i would never have seen coming during our first relationship. We got back together and now it has been many years and he has still remained the same amazing man. However, our sex life has been terrible. We hardly address our past (especially him, he hates talking or thinking about what he was back then) and i guess it has formed some kind of barrier? These few years my libido has been fairly high and the first year we would often have sex like normal couples do but with some normal issues (going soft, unable to cum, cumming too quick, etc) and all these things plus our past has made our sex life in general an unpleasant thought for him. Now he has some kind of performance anxiety and does not want to have sex anymore. Not to mention we did long distance at one point for months and that made his anxiety worse.
We have spoken about this, and he did tell me its because he cant get into the mood due to all the issues and past history and its only with me (he can have his alone time and i think if i were another girl he’d have a much easier time). We tried talking and he seems really avoidant but the few times we talked, we agreed that the way to combat these anxious feelings is to try making new sexual memories where we are comfortable, consenting and try to free each other from any pressure to cum or whatsoever. But its been weeks since we agreed and he says he is mustering up the courage to have sex with me again but still needs time.
I on the other hand, have been wanting to have sex. Yes it is only recently where we talked and agreed to make new memories and for him, he has been mustering up the courage for a week but for me its been years. I miss the intimacy i guess, and feeling wanted. And sometimes i just want to be destroyed in bed ngl. Even sometimes when i casually make sexual remarks or flirt with him, it makes him instantly uncomfortable. Im afraid he is no longer attracted to me due to these terrible associations.
Anyway. That is all. Feel free to speak any ideas on what you think i can do. Even if nobody reads this, its good to have ‘someone’ to talk to anyway.
Breaking up is not an option. Neither is therapy (i suggested it, but he says he wants to try fix it internally first).
TLDR: Boyfriend has a hard time getting in the mood with me due to our bad sexual history.