Disclaimer: This might be a bit lengthy and unorganized, but I am stressed and need to get this out there because there is nobody else I can tell at the moment.
Posting this on a throwaway because she will see it otherwise. I 25M cheated on my girlfriend (25F) of 2 years. I had established a thing with a coworker (41F) of mine and it got to the point where after work a little over a week ago, we met up and she performed oral on me. I had immediate regret while it was happening and especially after. I have been having these impulsive tendencies (likely due to being sexually abused as a child by my older brother), but that is neither an excuse nor justification for what I did. I am also now experiencing STI symptoms and am having severe anxiety about it. I have an appointment coming up soon. I have not exposed her.
I am having extreme anxiety about my symptoms and even more anxiety and disgust towards myself about what I did and the notion of telling her. I fully acknowledge that I am a complete idiot and asshole for doing this and I wish I would not have. I do care about her and love her and she honestly has been nothing but perfect to me, which makes this even harder. I know that you might be cringing and telling yourself “you do not love her if you cheated.” I want to agree with that, but I just can’t because I really do love her. My mental health is clearly just shit right now and I believe I am hypersexual and have serious unresolved trauma (again, not using that as an excuse, but rather as a potential explanation). Counseling is something I should have done long ago, but have not because I have been in denial.
Her and I live together on the opposite side of the country from both of our families. I have no idea how to tell her. I really don’t want to tell her, but I know I need to. The thing I am so afraid of is the fact that it will CERTAINLY be the end of our relationship. Even worse, I know it will break her and I have no idea how I will be able to deal with seeing her heart break. I am so scared of this. I have a feeling it will send me into a deep depression and obviously send her into one as well. I do not believe she is the one to give second chances. I certainly would not give a second chance to me if I were her. I just so badly want this to not be the end of us. My family would surely think so much less of me as well and I do not know how I would handle that. I would also be lying if I said I was not slightly codependent. Not to an unhealthy level, though.
I really just needed to get this out there. Any advice would help. I feel alone and scared and am so deeply regretful. This was all brought on by my own doing and I am totally aware of this. I will not sit here and try to deflect or justify my actions. I just need help and advice. Thank you for reading.
TL:DR I cheated on my girlfriend, and I have no idea how to go about telling her and how to navigate the inevitable repercussions of confessing.