I have been seeing my girlfriend for about 3 years now. I was her first and she was always really awkward about sex but it was fine. We had to take a break due to some medical issues, about a year, and now it feels really awkward. She’s always been super self conscious and lacking in confidence and overall has a hard time relaxing. Another problem is, in her mind if she doesn’t orgasm then she did something wrong, and she attributes this to a feeling she describes as “it slipping away”. In other words we can be having sex and having fun but then the feeling of orgasming will slip away and she gets super frustrated. It’s hard to continue from there because I can see it on her face that she’s frustrated and no amount of soft words or affirmations help, instead it would normally just end there uncomfortably. This led to awkward interactions where I wanted to have sex and she does too, but the combination of her shyness, frustration and lack of overall confidence makes it something thats, overall, kind of an uncomfortable process.
I tried voicing my feelings and talking to her about this, even looking up blog posts and forums talking about how to build your confidence, how to get rid of the “orgasm is the only goal” mindset” and just relax and have fun but none of it has seemed to work. I got her toys to try playing with herself in private to build her confidence but she says the dildos hurt to try and she can only use a vibe to get off and even then she sometimes has trouble finishing.
I’ve tried on my part as well, doing things like going down on her more, increase in foreplay, and being gentle but the two big issues that keep arising is the “slipping away feeling” frustration and the lack of confidence which leads to an overall uncomfortable, boring session. At this point we just avoid sex all together and it sucks since I do have a high drive but it feels so uncomfortable having sex with someone who seems to be uncomfortable and not having fun. A big turn on for me is confidence in bed and the girl taking control but the sheer awkwardness and lack of relaxation makes it really hard to get into it.
Any tips on how we can address this and move past it in a healthy way?