I don’t even know how to start this. I, have been in a year and a half relationship with my boyfriend, M/18, let’s call him Alex for the sake of privacy. Let’s start with some general background. Alex and i have had lots of ups and downs through our relationship, I have struggled with mental health really badly since I was young and have some unhealed(?) trauma and I am Alex’s first serious girlfriend and second girlfriend he’s ever had.
A few months ago, Alex ( 18M ) and I ( 18F ) had gotten into a big argument on if he is comfortable with me smoking with my friends (he never was into that stuff, and I was a huge stoner before we got together – of course I dropped it for him. I have a very addictive personality, so I was very reliant on weed and nicotine before him). He argued how it makes him uncomfortable and he wouldn’t be okay with me smoking at all, and he told me he would leave me if i did any of that. Despite this, I didn’t stop and I just hid it behind his back. After i started to do this and be more comfortable smoking secretly and even being around him while i was high, I noticed he would start to irritate me. Little things he did that I wouldn’t comment on until now. Alex likes to make fun of my interests, which include things like piercings and tattoos and other alternative things, and he likes to say they’re stupid and “only druggies do that” kind of stuff. He never really has shown any interest to even listen to me about things I like, while I will do my best to learn about his interests and even if i dont like them, i still support him and listen to him.
That is the first issue that popped up, him not seeming to care about my interests. Slowly, it started to turn into almost hate for him. //I would like to add that I feel emotions very extremely, 0-100 kind of thing//. This had gotten so far that I started to manifest a breakup by writing “Alex and I will break up” over and over. I tend to fall into deep, intense times where I try manifestation or literally pray – when I don’t really have a set belief. Now, i still think these are problems but I also am scared that I just hyped it up way too much and talked all this shit to other people when he is just enjoying his trip with friends. I feel so awful.
I know based off the information I gave you, it comes off that I don’t love him but I honestly have always been this way in my relationships. I really love him, and there is nothing I wouldn’t do to see my boy and erase all the stupid shit i;ve done. I know i’ve been rambling, and I apologize, but i seriously don’t know what to do. If it helps at all, he has been gone for over a week now and I have 0 friends – so I have been all alone which can cause me to fall into depressions.
Should i confess to him all of this and risk us breaking up?? Or does anyone have any advice on what to do. I know a lot of you will think I’m a horrible gf, honestly I agree, but i really don’t want to lose him and I want to be better but I don’t know how.